Roll Call 160!

Job 30 26 · Feb 06, 2020, 08:14 PM

This morning I had anxiety as usual, but then I got better, and it turned out to be a pretty great day! I love the people I work with. I worked my but off though. I had to sand a 3 car garage today, and prime and paint it, with the help of 2 other strong co workers. We were left alone and we told stories, and laughed for the 2nd half of the day. It's days like these that I don't mind my job.

Job 30 26 · Feb 06, 2020, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I feel amazing

Is it the chocolate?

Blue_Bird · Feb 06, 2020, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Job 30 26

Is it the chocolate?

Lol that and lots of coffee

I feel euphoric which I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s nice

Sometimes psychotic · Feb 06, 2020, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Lol that and lots of coffee

I feel euphoric which I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s nice

Did you adjust the Thorazine down or leave it alone?

Blue_Bird · Feb 06, 2020, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Did you adjust the Thorazine down or leave it alone?

I left it alone

Blue_Bird · Feb 06, 2020, 08:48 PM

ugh my tooth hurts so bad.. I wish it was the 18th already since that's the day I'm getting it extracted.

Blue_Bird · Feb 06, 2020, 10:20 PM

I want pizza. Or Chinese takeout. Or hot wings. Anything like that sounds good right now

Desoxyn · Feb 06, 2020, 10:23 PM

I'm feeling unmotivated. Maybe having few tokes will help.

Desoxyn · Feb 06, 2020, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I'm feeling unmotivated. Maybe having few tokes will help.

I feel much more relaxed. Just needed a small bit. As long as I'm involved in a particular activity, I'm not thinking of paranoia.

Angelique67 · Feb 07, 2020, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I can't hold this weight that's on my shoulders. I can't keep going on. I'm holding on to life but all the crap is wearing me down.

I think I'm burning out.

I'm gonna cold turkey xanax 0.5mg a night, take 1g phenibut tomorrow. I'll take 50mg Seroquel tonight - Maybe the palpitations were all in my head.

More suffering. I'm becoming a zombie. I just want a simple life now. Yet I don't want a relationship. I just want to be great, travel, have a fun life. The soldiers and crypto investor guy didn't give me support - They put me down. I don't know how putting me down fixes me. I keep thinking about what they said all the time and can't get it out of my head.. About my anhedonia, everything.

That's why I never talked to anyone when I was a teenager. I was afraid of getting hurt.

I remember people in the psych ward would say sorry when they told me to do things.. And I did them.. They said "Sorry don't mean to boss you around". I didn't get what they meant - Now I realize that doing tasks for people is my automatic reaction because my ex step dad bossed me around all day every day.

I can't believe how horribly I was manipulated.. By everyone.. I'm really damaged. Psychedelics just make me realize that this is all a sick twisted dream.. To look on the bright side but when I feel happy, it feels fake. My mind is too open - Things are really really bad. And I didn't become a stronger person with all this horrible stuff that happened to me? I should have become a stronger person by now - But I feel weak and paralysed.

I've continued to put immense pressure on myself since two nights ago when I said that I shouldn't - It's the only way for me to be. It's not like I can get a girlfriend or boyfriend and get admiration from people like some grand theft auto or sims game. "Oh you're getting married how wonderful". Even though I would treat someone better than most, I have no desire. I rarely get excited about things like food (Dessert for example).. It feels fake.. I don't like impressing people.. It just feels fake.. I don't like expecting things or surprises because I can predict everything. Everyone I know is predictable. Nothing shocks me -

Possible trigger:

It's all the same monotone train of **** that I want to jump under to end it all.

I think meds and drugs encourage the sense of being weak and fake.

Angelique67 · Feb 07, 2020, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I ended up not going out today because it was cold and lots of snow, but maybe this weekend

Wow, snow? Geographically we're in the same general area but we haven't had snow here.

Angelique67 · Feb 07, 2020, 01:23 AM

I missed all but one of my vape breaks today. Sleeping, and body issues. I haven't told them yet that I stopped taking the colace. It's making things worse but they don't care I guess.

My headphones are charging. I usually charge them when I go vape because the whole thing can take 45 minutes or more.

My hair is totally matted again. Brushing it is a long ordeal. And painful.

I had 4 or more 5 dollar bills in one of my locked drawers and it was gone a couple of days ago. And they eat all my candy. Really hating it here. I'm afraid to complain because I'm pretty sure they know about my micro vaping and don't know how to punish me. I'm afraid they'll transfer me to a residential hospital.

Valentine's chocolate sounds great. I'd love to have another order of fudge made by the Monks. It was spectacular.

I wonder when I'll go to sleep. Hopefully not too late.

Blue_Bird · Feb 07, 2020, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Wow, snow? Geographically we're in the same general area but we haven't had snow here.

yeah, and today we have freezing rain

Ceara1010 · Feb 07, 2020, 09:51 AM

Morning

Looks like it's going to be a beautiful day out. I'll be hanging with my sister today. Looking forward to it.

Hang in there, peeps!

Sometimes psychotic · Feb 07, 2020, 11:56 AM

Blue_Bird · Feb 07, 2020, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

omg that's heaven lol

Angelique67 · Feb 07, 2020, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

yeah, and today we have freezing rain

That's the worst, I hate being out in freezing rain. :/

SlumberKitty · Feb 07, 2020, 12:41 PM

Internet, phones, everything is down at work. I guess it's part of a bigger outage. So I cant do my work. I have to just play on my phone I guess...lol. I did do my Bible study and some therapy homework. Should have brought my book for book club. Sigh. It's going to be a long day.

Sometimes psychotic · Feb 07, 2020, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Internet, phones, everything is down at work. I guess it's part of a bigger outage. So I cant do my work. I have to just play on my phone I guess...lol. I did do my Bible study and some therapy homework. Should have brought my book for book club. Sigh. It's going to be a long day.

I usually asked if i could work from home if that happened like at least the last two hours of the day if it lasted.