Roll Call 160!

I just can't get over the fact that philosophers, largely speaking, believe consciousness is a lie. Fools.

I had a telehealth appointment yesterday with the Care Coordinator (I'll call her CC for short since that's a long term). It's the second time I talked to her on the phone. She's okay. She's nice. She's a little pushy maybe. IDK. She went over all my medications. She asked me when I was seeing each of my providers. She asked me for my Regular T's phone number because she couldn't find it online--but she just moved so it might not be anywhere online yet. I think she has found my Pdoc. I don't know if she has spoken to him but I think she might have, or is going to. And I think she is going to talk to my PCP. She didn't say anything about Pastor T and she didn't ask for his phone number so I don't think she is going to talk to him. CC talked to me a lot about SH. We didn't discuss it in the first call. I'm kind of sensitive to the way people say stuff. She asked, "Have you had thoughts of suicide or harming yourself today?" I could have said no, but since I have been thinking about SH (actually I'm kind of planning on doing it this weekend--it's sort of how I am getting through the week) I said yes. So we had a long talk about SH and all of that. She wants to help me set up goals and meet those goals. So she set up 3 goals for me before we talk again in two weeks. 1) Find out about some local gyms in the area so I can get some exercise and lose some weight. 2) Get an emergency plan for SH, like an actual action plan. I have one for Sui but not one for SH. CC said to talk to my T about it and get one set up. I tried to tell her like, I can't imagine calling one of my friends and being like I want to cut. Like what is that person supposed to say back to me? I think it's weird. (I don't think SH is weird--I think talking to someone else about it is weird---like it is putting a lot on that person.) So I'm not really sure about how to do that. And then the 3rd goal she gave me was to not SH until she talks to me again in two weeks. I was pretty reluctant about that since I was kind of planning on doing that this weekend. So I was like, what happens if I fail? And she's like, we are all people, we just get up and keep trying. So I'm like okay. IDK. Maybe seeing Regular T on Saturday will change something, or maybe I can use my talk with CC to not SH this weekend. We'll see. I hope she's helpful. She doesn't seem to get how I can work full time and have higher education, but yet I struggle with hallucinations and self harm and depression and anxiety. She doesn't seem to get how I can work full time but I am not capable of living by myself at this time. And I don't know how to explain the disconnect. CC seems nice though. I guess. She seems pretty pleasant. It's probably her job to be nice. She asked me if I have self confidence and I was like, probably not. I wish something would help. Regular T. Pdoc. Medication. Pastor T. CC. something. Sheesh. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

I can't tell if my paranoia is linked to my illness or out of facts.

I have a ton of facts and hypotheticals but I have no one on the inside to confirm any connections. I just have reactions from people who lose their mind around me, and cover their mouth as If I I could read lips. That philosophy professor completely flipped her lid. I'm sure the alcohol she consumed did not help, but jesus Christ. Even the person trying to have a drink after a day of teaching, even she wanted to leave because her interlocutor made her feel uncomfortable.

There is a pattern of behavior around me, and apparently I'm still fresh in people's mind. Why in the world would that be though?

I cn only come to the conclusion that people know of my past account on there, and or this one too. If that's the case, then all is lost and I come in here to yell at the void and it has been noticed and noted.

I've said some crazy things on here, and I've vented about people too, and my situations.

I feel paralyzed in thought.

Dentist appointment went well, got a filling. Still have several more to get and have to wait for my insurance to approve the two root canals. It's day 2 of amoxicillin for the tooth infection, the ibuprofen 800mg has been helping the pain. At least I'm getting all of this stuff taken care of

Honestly it seems like it’s circling in on itself which is Usually illness....I’m not sure why that would be happening right now though.

I hope something works for you too....hugs.

The flat affect I have helps me not experience it emotionally. It allows me to just look at the facts, and have slight concerns that I see. I could well be having a delusions, I sure hope so lol The other option is not good at all lol

SK how are you sleeping, a you having any psychosis, and how is your anxiety? Those 3 things might make work really hard. But if they are manageable then I think you
re in pretty good condition to strive on.

I feel like consciousness can only exist biologically. Artificial intelligence would have to be human like if you're really to get deep down to it.

The best we would do is mirror our consciousness with a robot as a reciprocant and then how is it any different even though it's not real?

I do believe in panentheism.. But I'm not sure if that's the right word.. I believe that a regular AI today has a consciousness in other universes or dimensions.

God is the top thing of all things. But people don't like the word "God" because there's connotations added to it to make it more meaningful. Atheism is a way of having no guided system.. But religion guided us to become atheist. There could have been atheists back then but they wouldn't have functioned well.. All the stories teaching them how to hunt and live life. It's all backed up by a story to get people to comply to certain ways in society but they get outdated.

Consciousness mirrors itself as a human brain which is why people think of God as a man in the clouds with a beard. If AI created a God, it would be a robot God and they probably would think that because humans control them, the humans must be destroyed.

Idk

I think I was stupid enough to lead people to my account on here. a) because my story was such a whopper, and b) because I've not been clever enough, I didnt take proper steps to insulate myself. Everyone else is safe, just not me.

I remember one of my first posts. I gave my full name because I meant to address it to my school. I don't think I gave the school name though. That post has been gone for 5 years I believe. But when I googled my name to make sure I can't be linked to this or that, a simple google of my name with my condition lead them to that address (letter to the school). What's even more foolish was that I used a small image of myself, which when using google image search, led straight here, and I used that image on facebook and my dating profile.

So i burnt that account, deleted all photos of me on this site, and created a new account to start fresh, and ever since I've been tidy, but how long does it take to look at my posts and see a person with my interests, struggles, and my concerns?

I'm a fool. I just hope that this handle is clean, but when I look at how people recognize me and react absurdly, I can only come to the conclusion that this handle is compromised as well.

I have a list of facts that can vaguely come to this conclusion, but I have no hard facts no hard confirmations.

Fck man.

I swear today was the longest day ever.

you mean "pantheism? Or "panpsychism"? Panspychism seems to be popular. I've been leaning pantheism as well.

Also, yeah our biology is very different from computer hardware. Hard ai is ruthless materialism. I think people might as well try consciousness with pipes and water with leavers, because that's how stretch it is from tech to biology.

Have you been following up in your readings lately? I like where you going with all of this stuff.

Hi @Day Tripper I sleep okay but it's only because I take sleep medication. I have hallucinations and sometimes paranoia but I don't really struggle with delusions (that I know of). My anxiety is kind of bad. I take Xanax to help it or I try to use deep breathing techniques to help it along as well. The good part about my job is that there isn't a lot of social interaction. I have my own office. I mostly communicate online via email or Skype. I do attend the morning board meeting and two or three people come into my office a day but not much. I used to work retail before I finished my education and that was super hard because of all the interactions with customers and coworkers. So I guess even though I work in an office setting, I'm still pretty isolated. HUGS Kit

Well, if it helps, I have no idea who you are besides our beloved Day Tripper on Roll Call. I don't know your name, or how to search for you or any of that. To me, you are Day Tripper. Kit

Were you at work?

I am a pantheist. It's like spiced up atheism.. People argue that God created the universe, others argue that the universe created itself - I argue that God is the universe.. I can go even further that God is everything or anything.. Then I can go even further to say that God is everything possible and what doesn't exist in this universe but in multiverses outside it..

But I keep it grounded in reality because there's no proof.. But I believe in panpsychism which is a more rational idea.

Yeah I saw the thing about the robot made out of frog stem cells. It's like little blocks that allow it to walk.. We're very very far from an actual biological robot lmao...

I've been reading the book "The art of doing nothing" by Andrew Smart but I stopped because the reviews were bad.. It put me off even though it is interesting. It's a short book but I don't feel like wasting time.. Even though I am.. idk..

I think lowering my Invega injection form 4 to 3 weeks makes it harder to cope with stress each time at the end of the injection. My injection is tomorrow and maybe each month, the blood concentration is lower because apparently it takes like 9 months for the injection to completely leave my system.

I was talking to my sister and she said she was really concerned because I was talking in word salad about things that are completely unrelated to each other but for me, they're all connected and I kept talking around in circles (Not being able to do things, IQ, antipsychotic, psychosis, psychedelics, my mom neglecting me but still being a good mom, the soldiers and crypto investor guy saying that my mom is a ***** and that's why I'm asexual or want to be gay because I hate promiscuous women - Which is not true at all.. and because I'm taking care of my mom - Like I never even knew that it was bad to be promiscuous? I thought the women attract the man and not the other way around like most other animals.. and because I don't have one passion to stick with I would end up a serial killer, my sister being able to stand up for herself and more mature than me and I'm not able to control my moms drinking, her cancer and her cancer being caused by too much estrogen and progesterone which is why my brother and I aren't completely straight and are really smart or autistic, einsteins being autistic and his son being schizophrenic, my sister getting breast cancer, using phenibut to be social, the guy that my mom brought here that microdoses with shrooms, him telling me to find ONE passion. I'm sick of people telling me what to do and controlling me. I want to be my own person. I blame it all on myself and not being able to stand up for myself - being in an addiction of avoiding people then doing psychedelics and now I'm not that way anymore but my brain is fried, why people like me and people that don't know me don't, the fact that my mom is an adult and gets to do whatever she wants and people giving advice to that to people like me - IT'S ALL ROBOTIC AND I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF, then the circle completes - I CAN'T DO THINGS TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL)..., etc..

SK How often do you feel anxiety? Have you tried an ssri or snri to help with your anxiety? I hear trintellex is an awesome ssri. I do wish there were better meds for anxiety. I have difficulty with social interactions too, but work limits that to just people I feel like I can be myself around.

What helped me with my anxiety is lithium, then I was put on a better mood stabilizer, and lamictal helped as well. My pdoc didn't understand how a mood stabilizer could help with anxiety but it worked like a charm for some reason. I'm on Trileptal now, a different mood stabilizer.

How's your emotions? Are you able to find time to center yourself without the need of a benzo?

Yes and swear it was the longest day. Back to back meetings and I had to stay an extra 30 min.

I know your past identity on Pc but I don’t think a casual user would.....you’ll always be “the one who likes philosophy” you’re not going to be able to hide that.....however, I cannot see why anyone would come looking for you most people don’t have that stalker level of interest.

I told the crypto investor guy that I just want to be better than I was yesterday.

He laughed at me and said "Find one thing that you would live and die for and don't say your mom".

I don't know why it's getting to me so much.

I don't want to live and die for anything. That's why war is real. That's why people fight for their country. I don't want to support veterans and wear a poppy. I don't want there such thing as a country. I don't want imaginary borders around this planet. I want it all to be one country.

I don't want to defend myself. I take abuse. And that's a problem. I don't want to cause pain to people but I cause pain to myself.

Desoxy,

There's something that has caught my attention, and it's "intuition." Beliefs we have that we don't even know why or how, but they are their. We can't even detect them at first or a million glances later. They are right under our nose and we never knew them, we could never articulate them. Intuitions of space and time, intuitions that there is an external world out there, our concept of relationsal properties in math, intuitions of when we communicate. And then I look at nature, and I can't help but come tot he conclusion that nature has intuitions on how to create life with such complexity, as if nature has done this for eternity, and matter has this entire intrinsic nature from eons and eons ago, and that it just knows what to do. I have much more to say on all of this but, it just makes me wonder how deep our intuitions go.

Thanks SP. I hope you're right... 7 years after my ex telling me "My people have been keeping tabs on you" and I still can't get that out of my head. what an awful thing to say to a schizophrenic. a

I think my mental health is in decline.

My speech is less. I mean I have something to say but I have to search for the words mid way through. My boss gives me an oral assignment and I can't remember it all. My room is never clean, nor my car.

So what am I going to do about it?

I'll lower my AP to what it use to be, back down to 80mgs of Geodon a day.
I'll get high dhs omega 3's (DHS is the brain fat right? @Desoxyn @sometimes_psychotic
I'll read something small for 30 minutes like a platonic dialogue, scene in Faust, or a poem.

Any other ideas?

I don't think you should lower the antipsychotic but change the med. DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) is good for the brain. Fish oil usually has the main ones, DHA and EPA (eicosapentaenoic acid).