Roll Call 160!

[QUOTE=Desoxyn;6750162
I don't want to live and die for anything. [/QUOTE]
Love is something to live for. Beauty in art, Faith. The pursuit of knowledge to pass down. Maybe a goal that brings meaning.

I deal with anxiety every day. I get anxious about everything. Especially words people say, like maybe there are hidden meanings in them. Maybe they are not innocent. I have to fight my head to not ask the person what they meant because I don't seem to be able to take it at face value sometimes.


Like today a coworker who is senior to me said to me "we should not bother her today" referring to one of the owners. I'm like, does that mean I usually bother her? Like maybe I am a bother? Maybe I am bothering people right now. But if I act like that in the workplace then I get labeled as more paranoid than I already am. So I had to fight my head not to ask those questions.


I get anxious about work. I get anxious when I am not at work. I get anxious about T appointments. I get anxious about driving. I get anxious about sleeping. I get anxious about my cat's health. I get anxious that something bad is going to happen to my parents. I get anxious about everything. I usually take Xanax at least once a day, and usually more than one pill at a time (I'm allowed four a day--but I'm trying to keep it at three.)


I'm on Trintellex actually. I'm on the highest dose. IDK if it really does me any good but none of the antidepressants I've been on seem to help for very long. A Pdoc of mine awhile ago wanted to put me on lithium but I was scared of it and didn't want to go on it. Now I'm desperate and I'd probably try anything. I'm not on a mood stabilizer though. I'm on an AD, and ADHD, an AP, a benzo, a statin, sleep med, supplements, medication for migraines, medication for acne, and I can't think what else.

My emotions are either really intense or I feel nothing at all, or just anxiety. And the emotions come out of nowhere. Like for no reason I'll just get suicidal and sad and self destructive. My doctors can't figure it out. I think maybe I am cursed. And there are these shadowy figures that keep surrounding me and they have bats and pipes and they want to hurt me. They make me anxious. Pastor T says to visualize something else when that happens. It's really hard. HUGS Kit

I'll find the middle ground and just go down to 120mgs then. I was fine on 80mgs for years though.

The reason my doctor upped the dosage is to deal with my insomnia, and now that im on a moodstabilzer, im fine. The ap uppage did nothing but bring akathasia that I still have to take for it.

I know, I know, "DT your paranoid, read your posts, dude." lol That's not going to change. I've been publicly shamed, and I brought this upon myself, and a lot of my therapy goes into helping me cope with all of that jazz.

"The measurement problem in quantum mechanics is the problem of how (or whether) wave function collapse occurs. The inability to observe such a collapse directly has given rise to different interpretations of quantum mechanics and poses a key set of questions that each interpretation must answer."

Terence Mckenna said that he's immune to paranoia. He took a looot of psychedelics. I don't get it.

I don't know whether or not I should be paranoid. The news always tries to scare us. Norovirus? really? Is this the 2020 scare now with WW3? What about Ebola, the terrorists, bird flu? etc?

Life is just a ride. We can change it whenever we want. We're all one. Love.

My cat is still having a really bad trip. She's scaring me. I don't know what the **** is wrong with her. Ever since my bad trip, she's been so weird.

Everything is creeping me out. I'm on a rock floating through space around a giant constant nuclear explosion.

I went to take olanzepine, poured the pills out of the bottle into my hand, took the first one I saw. What if I took a different pill? If I decided to do that, everything would have changed. It would be different olanzepine molecules in my brain and my whole life would be different and then the butterfly effect would take over to control the physical reality of everyone in the world.

We literally change reality by observing it and making decisions.. But in the end, it's all destined. It's like the past, present and future are all the same.

I'm gonna try meditating in a while. I've never had such racing thoughts in a long time.

I remember around 6 months ago, I had zero thoughts. My mind was settled. I didn't like it!

I like having thoughts! They keep my mind active..

SK

What AP are you on? Is it dampening your symptoms at all?

What's your anxiety feel like? Is it worse in the mornings?

Do you tap your feet on the floor because of your anxiety?
-I ask this because when I tap my feet on the floor it's because of my akathasia, which I thought was anxiety, but it was a side effect from my AP because it blocked too much dopamine.

Do you feel well rested after waking up a bit ago?

Just found out what local business my art will be displayed at.

The AP I'm on is Rexulti. I don't know if my Pdoc gave me that for depression or the hallucinations. I guess it can be used either way. I took seroquel before for a while and then I wasn't on an AP and then the doctor put me back on an AP but put me on Rexulti because he said a lot of people respond well to it. Although it made me ravenously hungry and I gained a ton of weight on it. It did help for like three months but then it doesn't seem to be working that great. He bumped me up to another mg of the stuff and there was a little improvement for about a week and then not much. He might switch stuff up when I go see him in February because he doesn't even know about my suicide attempt yet.


My anxiety feels like it is hard to breathe and I get really restless. I'm constantly moving my legs or tapping my feet or adjusting my glasses. It is okay when I first wake up but I start getting anxious about the time I am going to go to work, same on non-work days. Then I stay pretty anxious throughout the day although sometimes it tapers off in the evenings but then gets worse before bed.


When I first wake up I don't feel that well rested but after I have been up for about an hour then I usually feel pretty okay. I get tired easily though because I have ME/CFS also. So just regular activities wear me out. Usually on the weekends I take a nap. Sometimes I take a nap after work too.

That's cool!

just took an ibuprofen , tooth hurting again

I just wanna feel good. I feel like ****.

HUGS @Blue_Bird; HUGS @falcon09

I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

I want to just go somewhere. To travel somewhere. My dad is ignoring me. He's already dealing his own ****. Everyone seems to be dealing with their own ****. I want to just be ok, happy or sad, to feel something. I don't know if I'm actually feeling anything - or if I'm anhedonic and a small bit of light is shining through the window.

I feel so great but with guilt and confusion. I feel so sad as well. I'm really happy and really sad.

The blessing and curse thing that is life. Idk if it's mental illness but the chemicals seem to help..

I want to do a martial arts class. That's what I would love to do for a living, or make music. I can't do analytical research or math/physics anymore idk. I'm just not patient enough. I'll get on that meditating soon but I'm gonna go get a haircut right now.

God damn.. I'm ****ed up.

Sorry to hear bluebird...hugs.

I think my anxiety is leading me to feel like a fraud at work. I feel sometimes one day they’ll realize I’m terrible and let me go. I think that’s why it’s been more than two years working there and I still haven’t really decorated my desk.

Isn’t that called like imposter syndrome or something?

I totally know what you mean! Hugs!!! Kit

Tapping your feet might feel like anxiety, but it may be akathisia. Akathisia - Wikipedia
If it is akathisia then you just might need a side effect pill called Cogentin. It's cheap, and I don't feel any side effects from taking it. It just does what it should, by making the inner restlessness, and the need to ta my legs, it stops it.

Have you read this? Sometimes, to get me through, I need something to chew on in my head. Since you enjoyed Candid, I thought you might like this too? I don't know if it will help though.
Robot Check

Desoxyn, do you ever use youtube to watch series like Carl Sagan's cosmos series? Neal DeGrasse Tyson remade it with what we know today. I tend to enjoy physics on the screen rather than in a book or class. Maybe we can only know it by peaking our nose in the tents this way.

Yeah that sounds like it.
It doesn’t make sense but it’s how I feel sometimes.

I follow a lot o philosophers on Twitter, and it is very common among them. Very prominent even amongst the best!

Honestly, I should feel imposter syndrome, I can't explain why I don't though! Maybe im so good at faking it, that I even faked myself lol now that's arrogant, be lucky you don't have that!

Do you think it’s something you would act on or is it just thoughts? Either way you should get in touch with your doc but if it’s more than thoughts you should goto the hospital. Or if you want to talk we are all here for you....