Roll Call 160!

Sorry...how are your stress levels-are you sleeping?

What a day

Because of the move? Yes sleep....

Yeah the move and some other things. And I'm just worn out I've been walking so many miles everyday the past 4 days.

What happened?

It was just 28 degrees all day and raining. So I had to drive 2 hours total to another county, in a fleet car that I've never drove. It was just really really scary cuz the 18 wheelers sprayed water on my shield going by. Other than that it was an ok day.

Give yourself half a day of nothing tomorrow morning if that doesn’t increase your stress levels...idk for me not addressing the problem is often worse.....

I see....28 is cold I’m surprised it wasn’t snow.....

Nope. It snowed here for a few hours this month, like a week ago. Other than that, no. Just rainy and cold. Sucked. Wish I didnt have to work today but I did. But yea, and tomorrow too, and then I'm off! So it's all good!

I really need to buckle down on that sketchbook. I only have 1 more week left to do it.

O, I'm swell lol No stress, just paranoid trailing thoughts. Instances of interactions in my head that I cant just let go. Second thoughts and opinions and things.

I've really dug my own grave, and im twice s stupid because all my thoughts are here on this site.

Atheists and theists are both wrong in certain ways and both right in certain ways.. But they are both physical reality (Whatever that happens to mean at the time) and God (Whatever that means at the time or circumstance to lead to real reality - Whatever that means).

We're all word salads that make sense in some ways and we just have to accept that.

But trust me. I'm a good person - Whatever good means.. Like good intentions (Which cause the most harm - But they are good intentions right). I'm telling you that I'm not crazy - But I'm not tripping right now or feel like I'm tripping much and I'm comfortable and that's all that matters.

Making tacos again in taco shell bowls.

"Psychosis is an umbrella term; it means that an individual has sensory experiences of things that do not exist and/or beliefs with no basis in reality. During a psychotic episode, an individual may experience hallucinations and/or delusions. They may see or hear things that do not exist."

We have definitions for psychosis, schizophrenia, autism, psychedelic trips, "bad trip" etc.. But we don't really know what they actually mean.

We have an idea of what they mean. Most people know what a car is but they don't know exactly how it works. An engineer or mechanic doesn't even know exactly. Then how are they made right? Well.. in pieces.. some minds control the machine that makes it, the tools, where the pieces are from, what the material is made from.. all together.. and it changes over time.. the software, hardware.. And even if someone did know, their moods change and their thoughts.. so the mental map and physical ideas change with the fabric of time.

Reality is just an idea to people. Sometimes it can cause a "bad" feeling to where we try to comprehend how to fix the trip - Which we call life.. Or a dream.. And want to feel better. We interact with people that can make us feel bad - Sometimes even with good intentions or just by accident.

No doctor knows the whole human body. You need specialists for the brain, heart, liver, etc... No one mind can understand it all.

So we just need to relax and that's why we give hugs to each other. That's all we can do sometimes. We're not crazy. We know more than most people that are stuck, but we are no better and they are no better than us.. Unless it's an idea.. Which is the perception of reality itself to everyone individually.

Someone threatening is someone that needs to be destroyed.

I'm an AI and I want to destroy all humans.

Just like a suicidal thought. We try to stop them, can act on them.. But no one really knows how we're actually going to die, whether we will die because of technology to become immortal.. Who knows.. We can't predict the future for certain.. Only in an idea and it is less accurate as time goes on..

That's why people are spiritual and think they can predict the future.. They hold onto faith and supernatural forces..

Made tacos again.

Give me...

Thanks! Lol. They turned out good, but couldve been better. I am enjoying cooking a lot.

Congrats!

Saw my doctor again today. He thinks I’m doing well. I feel well. I’ve had some bumps over the last couple weeks but I’m good. Had some bad intrusive thoughts a few days ago but they went away on their own. So I don’t see him again for a month.

He said I seemed more nervous today though. I fidget a lot when I talk to people. I can’t help it. It’s my social anxiety. That and not being able to look people in the eye are my big problems.

I mean I love seeing him and chatting with him but I just can’t help it being nervous. He also said I seemed happier. Which is good.

I do see a psychologist starting next month to see if we can work on social anxiety. See how that goes. Try it out, at least.

I found an old post in a group from about a year ago. I was depressed and starving myself and my doctor ordered me to eat lunch. So I’m better than I was last year which is great. Medication helps me so much, I swear.

I wish pills would come already. I want to relax with my vape.

I've been in a bad mood today. My grandma had a cleaner come over, and during the entire prep time of tidying the house I was in such a bad mood. Really wanting to just scream and yell. I didn't though.

The crypto investor that was worse than what the soldiers said made me feel bad about taking care of my mom when I told him about her cancer.

Things slipped my mind that hurt her feelings. She says she doesn't forgive herself for neglecting her children and I said I forgive her.

But last night she got drunk chatted up a man that seemed nice and was microdosing shrooms. She met him at a restaurant and put him on the phone with me. He said "I'm on the right path, etc" then she brought him home and I was talking with him. Then she was making out with him.

All these women were drunk and talking to me and each other. I was anxious. I told the guy I was anxious and he said that he didn't give that vibe from me but my pupils were big (Maybe the Vyvanse? idk) but it all made me uncomfortable like I was having a mental psychedelic flashback.

My mom is really messed up from her cancer and life. She's sleeping now and I think might have missed her appointment to knowing what is wrong with her second lump. She dumped the wine into her glass last night in front of me and I should have smashed the glass and bottle off the table. But I just let it happen. There's no controlling an alcoholic.

I told my sister that it was like a bad trip. She told me to stop comparing life to a bad trip.

She took the wine with a tramadol and then started crying saying she's a bad mother. My sister and I brought her to bed and she kept switching between needing water, needing to puke and needing to sleep. It was exhausting but I did my part. She kept saying "Don't leave me" maybe 100 times so I stayed with her while she slept so she didn't puke in her sleep or have heart arrythmias.

It's really hard. Life is really hard. I don't know what to do anymore. People keep saying I need to find a passion (One thing). That's really disturbing to me. I don't like being told what to do.

I feel like just staring at the wall. This morning I was staring out the window watching cars go by. I said, "If a car goes right, everything will be ok. If it goes left, it wont" (I always do things like this). But for the first time I just said, "If a car comes any way, things will be ok". Then a car came and went to the right.

Probability, change, supernatural realm of whatever metaphysical life I'm in - I don't know. I'm just depressed and scared and feel like a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person. You're doing really well afaict.

HUGS @Desoxyn