Roll Call 166!

15/20 poems

Almost there

Thanks! I hope you enjoy it.

I may be cray cray I am thinking about sipping on THC freezes after having a freak out by going to get blood work done earlier.

tried edibles. Freak out before going into bloodwork... then get food to sober you up before going for bloodwork. I managed to get sober... talk out my ***... finally come home after a while. Thinking of drinking some thc slushies... oh and munchies and possibly ribs if that happens or not. It is making me hungry.

I want to read your book Job. If I get better, I will. Maybe my cognition is on the decline because I can't even read the books that i personally find the most interesting to me.

I've been depressed for like a month. I keep arguing with the "soldiers" in my head and struggling with not wanting to live yet being too scared to die. I feel like even my family doesn't love me.

The meth house thing is getting me down as well. I don't have the strength to deal with it because I feel lifeless like my existence has no meaning and I'm just like a dog being dragged through life (Hell) by a leash.

My mom was shaking a jar of green liquid and I said that it could explode but she didn't listen to me she was just like "What's this green paint stuff". Well apparently it's a meth lab in that room and the cops said to leave the house - But we still have to clean it. People keep trying to break in because rumor is that theres a big bag of heroin in the house.

And I can't focus on my future. I'm feeling like I just;

If you want, I can write you a personalized book of my philosophical theories. Just pick a philosophical theory. I can about write any theory you want me to. In the world. Or western society which includes western Europe.

I’m serious. I love people giving me writing assignments. Especially about philosophy. I may not blow your mind like Job can but I can sure make u think about things differently.

Let me know. Send me a theory. I’ll get started. It’ll be a 10 page booklet.

In fact I have a neat idea! I could sell philosophical theory booklets on Etsy!

Thanks. It doesn't have to be 10 pages but I'd really like to know about solipsism, burn out (Exhaustion) or nihilism. Maybe all three idk. Abuse.. confusion.. social alienation, idk

I'm sorry I cant type

Humour too.

I sometimes lose my sense of humour. It's the only thing that keeps me alive.

Oh youre fine! I love to write. It’s my passion and hobby. So 10 pages on something I love is easy. I adored writing essays for philosophy class in college!

No. I sleep.

Good morning

Been up since 5:30am

I feel like I’m gonna have a good day. My back is already hurting tho.

Bored already lmao. But I got a BUNCH of stuff to do as I’ve been putting things off while also adding to that list. most of it is writing stuff, so idk why I don’t wanna do it.

The usual reason is fear......

Had several panic attacks last night, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open but I can't sleep.

True. But I feel it may be a depression. Or maybe it is fear. Fear that nothing will come from my writing, so why am I doing it at all?

You don’t seem particularly depressed but maybe you’re not telling me everything.....usually it’s fear of failure

Oh man I almost puked...we have an early class meeting today with some sort of xml practice ....I just get anxiety over the smallest things.

Hope you're feeling better!

I hope it goes/went okay SP! New things are hard. What is xml? I'm not familiar with that. Are your classes online right now SP?

@Desoxyn just because

@Job 30 26 if you PM me the name of your book and where to buy it I'd like to look it up and see if I can afford it.

Finished paying my Dad. My kitty cat Esther had to go to the Vet in March and it was like $500 but that is when I was still paying off the hospital, so my Dad paid for my kitty's vet bill and I paid him back in increments. So yesterday, I finished paying him the rest of what I owed him. $150, so that is paid off. My other hospital bill will be paid off next month so that's good. I feel like I am getting my finances in order. I don't like owing people. It makes me anxious. I have some put into savings now too much more than usual so I feel like that's good because I'm going to need tires probably before the end of the year. Always something.

I'm still anxious today but it's less, I think, than yesterday. I'll probably take Xanax in a bit. I want to get ahead of the anxiety instead of trying to fight it once it is full blown. I did take a walk last night with my Dad which was nice. The weather was good, a little breezy. It's been hot here so we either have to go early or late to not be in the heat so much. Might try to go again tonight if it isn't too hot. It's supposed to be hotter today than yesterday. I think walking is good for my anxiety. And just good in general.

I wish I was good at writing. I’m struggling writing an essay for this English class contrasting two vampires.

Curse you, one required English class!

I think it’s fear of failure. Cuz no I’m not really depressed.