Roll Call 166!

I lie down in the morning,
Too lazy to take my stimulant
I lie down at night,
Too lazy to take my hypnotic
I then dream after I take each
I want to be on the beach
I want to drink coconut rum and sit in the sun
I want to be someone to get to that point
COVID-19 is really no fun so I should just smoke a joint
I seem pretty content at odd times of the day
The past has went and gone and now I have to pay
For all of my mistakes, the sugar and cakes
Exercise isn't what I'm really motivated for because people do it just to find mates
But I drag myself along in this reality where everyone takes
Being offended for each other as the world breaks
It's not making anything better
Conflict is forever
Because everyone is different and we all die
To burn out like embers in a fire or we see the weed that is loses it's green colour
We are like a dreamer that wants a surprise or God in disguise, getting high on a star for no reason
It's the truth but we're filled up to the brim with lies every season

Pdoc appointment at 250cst

I haven't been feeling well. I said as much on Friday to the CFO. She just said she was sorry I wasn't feeling well. We texted some yesterday on the holiday (Memorial Day) and I told her a little more. This morning she asked me how I was feeling which I wasn't completely honest because she said she was more worried about me and that made me feel bad.

I texted two of my friends yesterday but they didn't text back. I'm worried that I am overwhelming them so I'm not going to text them for a while. Or if I do, it's just gonna be a "hi, how are you?" sort of text. Nothing deep. I talked to Pastor T last night. We are still going to go every two weeks. He said if I see him every week I have to have more goals to work on and I don't have them. I just have the one big one. So I'm not going to like make stuff up just to talk to him more so it's every other week right now. That's how often I speak to Regular T too. I don't know. I don't even think it matters. I think I'm beyond help.

Waiting for the oven to heat to put in tater tots.....

Hey I’m ok

I just I’ll explain in the next post.

So I've just learned to accept my prospecting or perceiving personality trait.

I'm just gonna go with the flow right now and stop trying to go against it.

Right now I'm learning about the cartel and how they do business.

I’ve come to a conclusion.

I started thinking about marriage and a wedding last night. I don’t think I’ll ever have the wedding I see in my mind. I see all my family there and they are all happy. But in reality I know that’s not possible. So why do I keep seeing that default image in my mind? Probably cuz that’s the typical wedding fantasy. But I need to stop daydreaming that.

I need to see the reality with my family and extended family. My mom thinks fiancé and I are losers. Doesn’t want to do much for us and definitely doesn’t like talking to me. I’m tired of trying to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t care much for one seems like and gets upset every time I call her. She doesn’t like fiancé I don’t think. Fiancé brought this up to me out of the blue and I wasn’t shocked but I was heart broken that he sees it. And apparently my mom has been rude to his mom before, when we were moving out of the last place.

My sister doesn’t talk to me much at all. Rarely. More rare than my mom. I never get to see pics of my nephew unless I ask but my mom is given pics all the time and she calls my mom all the time. Like once or twice a week. I haven’t talked to her in weeks. And when I did it was short. My sister, I mean.

I don’t think I’ll be inviting extended family to my wedding. It would be me basically trying to forge a relationship if I did so. If they haven’t tried before than forget it.

Only family that tries is my dad.

As far as friends, I’ve had too many people ghost me for god knows what. THEY ghosted me. Meaning they quit talking to me out of the blue and disappeared or blocked me on social media. I’ve never heard from them again or seen anything about them or etc, anything.

I gotta re-evaluate my marriage plans.

Between all my successes and troubles the past 10 years or my life, the thing that stings the most is my lack of familial relationships.

Here’s the crockpot and Little Dipper I bought

I went from learning about the cartel to occult conspiracies, satanism, educational blogs and then technology.

I'll just keep going like this. I can't change my ADHD. I should have just gave up a long time ago. I'm much happier this way.

I need to learn to let go of trying to change myself, let go on control and stop being so hard on myself. I have time.

Ugh sorry it came out upside down when I posted it for some reason

Beautiful...may they serve you well....

My parents eloped.....it’s about the two of you as a couple not the world.

That’s what I need to learn further. I lean too much on peoples perceptions and expectations of me.

The key is figuring out what you want and then taking adequate steps to achieve it.
It’s also key not to have unrealistic expectations.

I’m sorry you’re struggling @SlumberKitty , I don’t think you’re beyond help

I got my ice cream. Half gallon of chocolate peanut butter cup. It’s chocolate ice cream with swirls and chunks of peanut butter

For me I limit how much I tell neurotypicals but tell you guys whatever because you guys get it....you can always talk to us.

Sounds super yummy 😋

I never liked birthday parties, baby showers, celebrations, high school proms, dancing, wedding dresses, work suites, eating out for dinner, social rules, insurance companies, car registrations, politicians, justice, being apart of a group, changing the world in small ways, being punished or rewarded, getting in trouble, conflict..

But I like animals, idealizing utopia, being efficient in solving a problem without drama, explosions and chemical reactions, pretending that I'm in another world in my imagination, sneaking behind peoples backs, abusing my powers for good, having good friends that talk about philosophy and new ideas, innovation, music, art and math, experiencing new things and never staying in the same place.

I feel unusually tired

Have you ever considered being a research biologist? Like the kind that go out into the wild and study animals? You seem to like travel, science and animals....

I'm crazy... crazy for being so lonely.

OMG, I L-O-V-E tator tots. yum!

They are soooo good, I had actually forgotten....