Roll Call 166!

I think you're thinking too much of things btw. But for some people I know writing it down is helpful.

Sometimes we don't really understand some of the things you say, but this... this we get.

I've always wondered why people say "No one cares" when someone writes something personal about themselves online.

I looked it up and I guess they don't even care about themselves. They usually seem happier and people wish they were like them - Being envious about their apathy.

Respect must be earned, etc..

I'm just so ****ing tired. I'm exhausted. I don't have the mental capacity to keep analyzing random things.

Writing it down for me is always helpful. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking until I write it down. I guess that's something I've learned over the years. Although I do censor myself a great deal... I guess everyone censors themselves to some extent though.

I talked with my mom. I was really open and talking about things like i never have. I'm more assertive and honest. Things are ok.

I hope I stay in this mental state. I feel like I'm becoming like everyone else instead of verbally bad autist even though everyone else is crazy and it can be a curse.

I timed myself to go to sleep at 12am so I have time to go crazy with my thoughts and tire myself out. My mom says I'm really intelligent cuz I analyze random things to the point of exhaustion but Idek what intelligence exactly is. One woman said I seemed smart and I was like "It's just my personality" and wasn't sure if that was true but idk brain waves and certain traits? It's like.. What is reality? No one knows.

No one knows anything. I might go mad who knows. My dad is concerned that i could "go nuts" which is why he facetimed me today.. My mom said to tell him about money but i said it's fine.. He doesn't want to be with my mom and she wants to live with him but he doesn't want her to have a bf so it makes it hard for her and I say to my mom that im going to tell my therapist that i want to move out and have my own apartment i said id get lonely too and need someone to help with my mental health so it's all a **** cluster of thoughts.

I'll just keep thinking and thinking then take a zopi and fall asleep dream it out only have a few hours of productive time tomorrow might read tonight or tomorrow chores to do etc mindless tasks bringing up the past trauma etc.

But it's ok.

I haven't really been censoring myself much lately. I'm just out of control and that's what scares me. But it's ok.

Th downtown is completely looted and destroyed right now....mostly it’s glass though so they’ll be able to fix it. They raised all the bridges so it’s harder to move around down there...almost like a fortress. Hope you’re ok erti....

Morning

I feel fine. Got sleep and took my meds. Woke up about 7:30am.

I’m glad you got some sleep and are feeling better.....

Thank you

I’m trying to sign up for summer classes. Trying to see if I can get into horticulture for the summer. I won’t know til tomorrow I think tho. I’ve already reserved my summer seat in horticulture tho so the only issue would be trying to get me 19/20 fafsa award. Which I haven’t yet but it’s cuz they said I wasn’t signed up for summer classes. So we will see.

Had a lot of fun with fiancé yesterday. He tried. He tried really hard to be with me and I’m so happy for that. I mean, he went all out. Well went out a lot. More than usual. We went to gamestop and I got a game. Then we picked up ice cream and went to the liquor store. Weird flex I know but it was fun.

I had a coupon for a free chicken sandwich from T-Mobile Tuesday but I don’t know where it is anymore.

Did you give him positive reinforcement for his behavior?

I suppose? Haha. Let him play games.

Last night apparently someone got shot near where I live. I knew they were gunshots.

I would personally tell him how much you appreciated yesterday and how much you love him.....you know words so it’s clear.

Oh i did. A lot. Many times.

Ok good.....

This has totally escalated out of control.....

I know... it's scary, especially since it's only a couple miles away. I don't' see this stopping anytime soon.

Ate buttered toast. Now my stomach hurts. No matter what I eat, my stomach ends up hurting. I hate this. Makes me not want to eat.

So I signed up for this side job to be a streamer. I signed a contract. Ugh I just hope this is like legit and good. I mean I’m pretty sure it’s legit because I researched the company, many articles on them, and stuff, and it’s just a tier system streaming job. Not a pyramid scheme but you get bonus money from making “diamonds” in the live stream from viewers. But that’s all whose involved. It doesn’t involve like recruiting people or anything. Idk maybe it is a pyramid scheme but it’s it’s with the developers of the streaming app, which I’ve streamed on before a few years ago.

It’s really seriously interesting. Fiancé gets videos on his fb video page that are anti-black and I get the opposite...

I just sat down to my laptop and I’m already procrastinating my torture essay. I only have to write 316 more words but it ironically feels like torture.

Anyone know any good plants that can live in the bathroom?

Always had good luck with spider plants.

Might just sign up as a journalist intern. Ugh. Don’t want to cuz I need money but I guess I’ll just have to have side jobs. Like this streaming thing.