Roll Call 166!

Are you watching Netflix through your Xbox? That’s what I do

No I've been watching it on my laptop

I seek patterns and organization. My mind is like a grocery store. It's all food though - And tampons and such. But yeah.. I said to the soldiers, "We're all the same" and they said "No we aren't"... Well.. How about this;

We're both!

The paradox.. I thought I was psychotic trying to explain the paradox.. So was John Nash.. Maybe we were.. But anyways..

I'm doing good right now. Today was a rough day. I'm glad I have zopiclone to put me to sleep and that I talked to my dads hippie conspiracy friend and he said that he took zopiclone for 15 years and was fine.. I focus on all of these little drugs, meds and chemicals to keep me sane.. They give me comfort.

I'm uniquely me. I know this.. But I try to fit in and be normal.. All the life I've rejected myself before I could be rejected by anyone else to save the pain.. Because people have made me cry as a kid for being myself.. Then they would feel bad and say sorry. I was a very trippy child.

I sometimes think that because my mind said it, I have to follow it. I guess I am feeling that way about school right now. I feel like quitting again. Crap, just realized I need to stick with it.

I don't know what tf to do. I'm ****ing paralyzed. I just need to make a decision.. But it's time to sleep.. I'm waiting for the olanzepine to kick in. I WANT to be a zombie right now. I've had enough. I've ****ing had enough.

Feeling better. Gonna sleep.

Close call.

Morning

As the days go on with everything in the world, I’m getting more and more depressed. I’m pretty much just about to say screw social media and get off it for awhile. Like...I don’t have energy or motivation to do anything whatsoever. I just wake up and feel scared. Like I don’t want to leave my house at all. At all.

I notice the past 2-3 days all I do is MAYBE think about what I need to do. My mind isn’t racing, it’s just completely blank from fear.

I just sit and sit, for hours, past 2 days or 3. I just sit and stare into space. Usually the day goes by slow when I do that. But it sorta feel fast right now, like it’s going by fast. I have been sleeping a lot of the days tho. And I wake up and I just stare into space for the rest of the day. I don’t even remember what I’ve been doing past few days. Some but not much.

I think I’m supposed to see T today.

My body feels heavy

I have a migraine again today. Yuck. My head hurts.


I have my last appointment tonight with my case manager. A month ago I would probably have missed her. Now I'm like, "Meh." Not sure if that's just the mood I'm in. Maybe I'll miss her tomorrow.


I wish my former T would write me back. She hasn't in a while. In my head she is calling me crazy psycho chick but probably she doesn't want to interfere with my therapy. I just miss her though. She like really understood me.

My sis is covid negative so it’s not that thank goodness....

Great news SP! Hope your sister starts feeling better soon.

Thank you Kit!!!

Are you still modifying your meds?

Just seen T.

She wants to start doing EMDR therapy on me or whatever ever the eye movement therapy is called.

Good luck, I read good things about EMDR.

Great news

I’ve been doing EMDR with my psych. It’s kind of weird but in a weird way it makes me feel better. So if it seems weird at first give it a couple tries and you could be surprised.

I've done it some with T. I don't love it but it's not terrible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cogladaid I’ve been doing EMDR with my psych. It’s kind of weird but in a weird way it makes me feel better. So if it seems weird at first give it a couple tries and you could be surprised.

How is EMDR done?

There’s a couple different ways to do it but it all is based off of left and right and calming your brain. The way we do it is with some little buzzy devices one in each hand and the buzzes alternate. It’s supposed to help calm you and process stuff like trauma and anxiety.

Since COVID we’ve had to do video calling so we do alternating arm tapping.

I’m not quite sure how to describe it.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - Wikipedia

Not doing well

I’m so tired of waiting x.x

HUGS @falcon09

Hugs @12AM

I think my sister got me a gift card for my birthday. She said on the phone that with what she got me I can get any game I want, so I'm assuming that's what it is. She's gonna drop it off along with the pizza stone Thursday. So I can make a nice pizza that night for a special dinner. I'm also gonna buy some cheesecake tomorrow.