Roll Call 169!!

Thank you, Sometimes. I always just tried to do what they said they thought I should do.

What’s going on?

It’s a long story kinda. I’m ok now tho.

I sometimes feel like I'm a person not worthy of respect because sometimes I don't respect myself

So I hope it's not me

The onion smell got to me so I’m making onion rings lol

^ OCD post. But I still doubt.

Sorry everyone! It had something to do with my fiancé and me.

I texted Newtus and she said it's not anyone here.

Damn what a thing i did. I'm not usually borderline but I didn't sleep enough last night.

Got my car inspected.

That sounds so good. I can't wait till our BBQ next week when I get hamburgers and potato salad

I can't even explain what is going on in my head. There's so much stuff. I can't imagine in like 20 years when I'm 40 something - How much stuff will be haunting me with OCD.

Sometimes I wonder if my psychosis delusions with good insight is actually OCD with bad insight - But how would that explain paranoia that I had?

The only reason that I accepted the schizophrenia diagnosis was because of the negative symptoms - Which seem better.. But I still have lack of focus, self isolate, can't do things. The psychedelic trip made me way more open minded that I don't feel like gaining much knowledge and become



Ah it's all messed up. I try to use labels to help me - But there's so many things that can help me. I don't want to be married, have kids, have a job that I hate and I want to have the best life as I can - Yet I self I still tend to self medicate. I have interest in fixing my mind, understanding the world - I'm really smart in some ways but really not in other ways.

I'm just venting.. I'm gonna read today even though I'm not feeling the greatest. Feeling defeated for setting myself up for failure with that routine - And I'm completely aware that I did that to myself. Hope can cause pain until it gets better - It just leads to more hope and not giving up constantly.

Yum!........

My therapist phoned and so I made an appointment in two weeks cuz she'll be gone next week - And it's over the phone.

She said that I have anxiety. I said that I'm still not really sure what anxiety is so she gave me a website to look at and then I'm supposed to tell her about how it relates to me.

I think of anxiety as physical anxiety (I don't get that because of the atenolol) but I suppose I have mental anxiety (Which isn't derealization/depersonalization that used to cause my panic attacks).

The thing is, I remember telling her that I liked having mental anxiety because it helps with my personal development - But sometimes I get tired of it and that happens to a lot of people with anxiety... They take an anti-anxiety medication.

My mom and her sister (My aunt) have the worst anxiety I've ever seen in a person but my mom functions really well with it. Her mom (My grandmother) probably still takes Valium.. (She used to order it online) So it's genetic.

Makes sense...well all have anxiety in my family...plus I truly feel that it’s a common comorbidity and contributes To psychosis in some cases.

Yeah I think psychosis is the most scary thing that isn't bothering me right now because I've been taking an olanzepine (5mg) every night to sleep. I didn't take it last night so I will now.

As long as I don't get psychosis, I'm pretty ok.

Beautiful picture of the tree SP!

I'm sorry you're feeling confused and unhappy.

It's really hard for me to deal with advice from others.

One time a friend of mine who I like a lot said I should stop all my meds. Unfortunately, I listened and I did it. I ended up in the hospital twice.

I am not trying to scare you, but just trying to illustrate that friends, even though they are friends, don't always know the full picture mental-health wise. Doctors (at least hopefully) do.

I'm not going to beat myself up for procrastinating my routine list with extra Vyvanse (Which is likely to make anxiety worse) and taking rare alprazolam (Which can cause dependence again). I wasn't getting anxiety when withdrawing from it - I just couldn't sleep. But I've been staying awake for a while because I'm so uncertain of everything and need to fix it. This is what the site said about uncertainty and it relates to me;

"Seeking excessive reassurance from others: This might be asking friends or family their opinion on a decision that you have to make
List-making: As a way of eliminating uncertainty, some people will make long and detailed “to do” lists, sometimes several lists every day

Double checking: For example, calling loved ones repeatedly to “make sure” that they are okay, or re-reading emails several times to check that they are perfect and that there are no spelling mistakes

Refusing to delegate tasks to others: Many people who are intolerant of uncertainty will not allow anyone either at work or at home to do certain tasks; this is because they cannot be “sure” that it will be done correctly unless they do it

Procrastination/avoidance: Because being uncertain can cause anxiety, some people simply procrastinate or avoid people, places or situations. If you do not do something, then you don’t have to feel uncertain about it

Distraction: Many people who are intolerant of uncertainty keep themselves “busy” most of the day, that way, they don’t have the time to think about all the uncertainty in life"

Thanks, Asparagae.

@BP and WA,

I was told on the video chat last year that I should stop my meds and that "Once you're a slave to the psychiatric system, you can't get out" + All of the screwed up things they've said to me, I became in denial of psychosis and lowered my Invega injection from every 3 weeks to 4 weeks.

Now it's back on every 3 weeks because it has been a disaster. My mom told me that she notices a change in me at the end of my injection and I didn't listen. I listened to people that didn't even know me.

I'm hoping to lose 30 pounds with eating healthy, exercising, and metformin.

Thanks SK, I posted it just for you

I do the double checking one...for sure everything takes twice as long....

Thanks, Des.

Got early birthday flowers at work today!!