Roll Call 169!!

I don’t think I’m going to be able to have a regular job ever again.

Why not?

I’m pretty much back to square one with my meds and everything and everything that has gone on the past 3 months with my mental health. Psychosis, depression, severe anxiety. I am back to sleeping all day again and on a high dose of meds. Well, higher dose. Idk, I see all this as a huge setback. I’m gonna have to start working from home.

KIt, I was in a horrible state hospital for almost 5 years for something I did not even ever do. I totally realate to your feelings. I do. Hang in there. There are thousands of Americans who have been through a similar thing.

I loev hot dogs!!

Beautyous!!!!!

3mg is actually the starting dose for vraylar...it goes up to six.....so you’re not on a remotely high dose, you may need to go higher. I’m not sure your sleeping is related to the meds...I mean you stayed up all night when you were first on it so the sleeping could be a mood element? Regardless, don’t give up there are still other meds like brexpiprazole.....you’ll find something that works.

You might ask that doc about modafinil, Provigil I was on it for many years. It does not have any risk of aggravating psychosis,but will keep you awake. I had a bizarre side effect and so, had to stop it. It is generic now, so, with the GoodRX, it is only 30 bucks a month. Worth reading about. Air Force pilots use it to stay awake on these 70 hour bombing runs from Missouri to Afghanistan and stuff. It really works.

Also I’m gonn have to my gauges out of my ears. One of them is migrating down too and I don’t want my earlobe to rip. Only on my right ear but might as well take them both out.

Ugh I was just telling my fiancé how my whole body is going to pieces. Just cuz my age. I’ll be 30 in 2 months. It wouldn’t be depressing if I had a bit of luck with my physical health but I don’t. But that’s also from years of abusing it. Not abusing directly but just eating bad, not exercising, my weight going up and down severely due to being off and on meds when I was real sick, drinking, all these piercings I have, not really just my ears, and just overall not taking care of my myself due to psychosis and negative symptoms.

I was just telling him I need a push up bra cuz my chest is like going to the ground and my chest used to be on my chest up high when I was in high school. Lmao.

Today is a day of introspection. I’ve been doing it all morning.

I think I will reward myself with a haircut when I get thinner. I’m gonna look ugly with the one I want being this weight.

Based on what you’ve posted I’d say it was predominantly negative...

Reflect on your good qualities/attributes as well.

I’m trying. Maybe I’m not as much as a positive person as I think I am.

Could be a mood thing....you have plenty of positive qualities.

Thank you!

Positive things...

I got my meds on time today. Some other meds are ready for pickup.

Hm this is hard...

The company got those phones. I’m just waiting for payment.

Ugh idk what else...

Watching these videos on Youtube of haunted locations in different states, addicting to watch

My appointment with my therapist went well. We talked about the different things I'm doing to manage my anxiety and a lot of other stuff. She recommended a book to me, she's recommended books to me before and I've always enjoyed them so I'm gonna check this one out sometime. It's Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks.

Our next appointment will be in person.

These are just things you’ve done, they aren’t you. What happened to that inspiration board you made with the post it’s? People are complimenting you all the time, write those things down and add them to the board or your wall or whatever.

That sounds like a cool book!

It’s on the hallway wall. I been looking at them but I feel like a total imposter. What am I even doing anymore? Maybe I see worthiness in what I’ve done idk rather than what’s me. Because what’s “me” isn’t interesting or cool or whatever, at all. When it comes down to it, .

You’re not ugly or old....those are superficial qualities at any rate, beauty is just a chance of birth, so who cares....age well you only get better with age. Think about your personality, how much you push forward with every breath. Most people aren’t like that and it doesn’t matter if you’re temporarily taking a break from pushing I know you’ll do it again. You’re also fun to be around, highly exploratory. And you’re nice, I’ve never seen you be mean except in self defense.

Accomplishments per se, well I don’t value them as much as other do but you’re an established mental health writer, your art was displayed and written up in the paper. You’ve got a book out and are working on a second. Just because you did it last year doesn’t make it less, it’s still part of who you are....

Omg screenshotting this for future reference.

that was so nice of u, SP. And I never had someone tell me I’m highly exploratory. I’m still stuck on how my boss ghosted me. Never came to my last meeting or anything. Blocked me everywhere. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why people do that to me. That’s 3 or 4 people in 3 or 4 years that done that.

Thank you @bpcyclist I can't imagine a hospital for 5 years! You're a really strong person!