Roll Call 172

I think we may be here another year. I don’t want to do that but we just don’t have the money for a down payment and my credit is bad anyway. I guess I can take a year to build my credit and savings. Really, really sucks. But then maybe we can get a house next year.

What a good nurse!!

Little bit irritable today. I woke up with brain fog.

It’s rainy out. Normally I’d like that but I don’t today...

Yeah it's a bit rainy here but big summer clouds not overcast.

I usually feel good when there's not a cloud in the sky

Hugs, Des!!!!

Finally got the laundry done. Just did the dishes too. Now I'm listening to music. Gonna read more of my mindfulness for bipolar book.

Got 75% on my first exam!

I think I’m about to have a panic attack

I'm in the mood to watch my yule log DVD with Christmas music

Just got 75 minutes of homework done. I did three 25-minute sessions with 5 minute breaks in between each one. I think it's a good strategy for me to do it this way. Thanks to SP or whomever suggested that I divide it into short sessions!!

Christmas in July.....been watching hallmark lol

Awe Newt <3 Much hugs.

Take an lorazepam? Then drink chamomile tea, get a blanket, sit on the couch - Tell fiance. Watch TV until it's over.

Sometimes I feel like telling you guys that I'm going to have a panic attack but I'm like "It is I, Tweaky, that will go deep into the unknown abyss void - No one can help".. And I do..

Eventually it's over.. There's 900x fear but it always passes.. That's what I've learned and I'm also like "****.. I can't keep taking these benzos.. I'm gonna withdraw and it will be constant fear..."

Scared tortured by own mind lone wolf

But so far I reduced my low dose benzo use by 75%.

I’m gonna need a lot of things for this upcoming class. An rigorous academic calendar/planner, tutor, study group...etc I’m going all out to be the top contender. I’m actually on a waitlist for a class. I mean for the teacher I chose. Hopefully 4 people don’t pay for the class and get dropped. I feel like this is the academic hunger games. Especially with “pass the initial 3 classes with a B and you will be qualified”. Hm ok. Let me just battle through this battle-royale-style war. Every man for himself to be able to hold the gauntlet of knowledge and be one of the few standing.

I hate saying the word “tutor” because my dad used to make fun of me and say “oh you need a tutor? Don’t you already have a tooter? Haha”. Lmao.

I was just reminding myself that. It always passes.

I may not be the parents of my friends kids... These kids know me as an aunt... My heart drops every time the cps people or maintenance come over to see the condition of the place and say we neglect the kids. I feel personally responsible for these kids and I feel like a bad person... like I didn't do enough.

A small mess is ok. When I walked into my moms house that the renter turned into a prostitution/drug dealer house, the kids walking in to collect their things - I couldn't process that. I don't understand. All I think about is them growing older and dealing with trauma. There was homework scattered all over the rooms with melted pipes, needles, soda cans, plates of dry old food, animal feces...

Hopefully what's best for the kids, happens.

75% is a good mark but I wish it was better. I tried my best.

I’m cutting myself some slack it’s my first exam in six years. First exam with this university.

Better luck for the next one!

the house was nowhere near that and in no way a drug or sex trafficking house.

Me: "How do I change my set and setting? - The more important one.. The one that isn't state of mind.. I mean my surroundings..

I want to do an online course but I always have to do it in the living room. Why can't I be comfortable just doing it in my own room?

I feel like I always have to go to a different place to read, watch a movie, listen to a podcast (Outside), anything.. My room is for bizarre thoughts of listening to music, sleeping, tripping, etc..

I feel trapped like I have to wait 1-2 years until I can move and get a bigger house so I can have my own study room or something.. But now it just feels wrong.. I feel claustrophobic..

Help???? How do I change my mindset to work with what I've got??"

Person: "Well I guess you could say that you are more familiar with your room than any other place. Given this, you’ll pay less attention, feel like you know all of it which leads you to be unconscious and fall under thought whilst you’re in there. You can see this when your out in a new country or place, not being able to name things or understand them or see them before means you are constantly seeing something, new not letting you ‘give in’ to the mind"

Me: "Yes!!!!

I knew asking psychonauts this question was the right thing.

It's very interesting and intuitive as hell. No normal person thinks of these things.

I'm very unaware of my surroundings even in new places so it's even harder for me. I'm always in my head.

I'll keep that in mind..."

I didn't mean that it was.

I'm just messed up from what I saw. I never seen anything like that.

My mom has always been a clean freak.

You are an awesome person, Erti, with a great big heart. Be kind to urself.