Roll Call 172

Thanks @Blue_Bird!

what's up guys?

I'm bored at work but I'm off in about 20 minutes.

I should be reviewing for my exam I have tomorrow but I’m watching tv instead. I stayed up until 3am I saw the comet and then watched tv.

Hey @Erti, not much. Just at work for about 20 more minutes then off the rest of the day. Stupid furlough. How are you?

I couldn’t see th comet....I saw where it was supposed to be but it was just too light polluted here.

with CPS and such... my anxiety has increased and I have felt nauseous. Major cleaning right now. Needing a shower...

So tired. Went to sleep late and woke up early. Can't wait for bed tonight. Slowly building up my baking supplies. Got some Hersheys dark cocoa powder today and some butterscotch chips. Still need to get white chocolate chips and regular ones.

Why do I feel as if I have nothing, yet so much, going on?

I seem to wake up in an existential crisis every morning. It’s never anything major. It’s like I look at every new notification and email and there’s some questions that come to me.

And yet I pose to myself, again, the question: aren’t I not cut out for a philosophy degree? As this stuff comes so naturally to me.

Anyway
Today I do feel a wave of depression on me but I’ve been in a bit of a depression for 2 days now. A bit more, as it seemed to have started with the school thing.

It’s time for me to stop asking of others approval of life situations.

I may need to write my own book or at least poem about autumn 🍂...there seems to be a preoccupation with the end of autumn and thus death or beginning of winter instead of the vibrant beauty of fall. I need like nature writing for this I think.

Autumn | Quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing

Finally I found this....it like little snippets of writings

Not in the mood to clean but I have to

Do itttttttt

Got another opportunity to review a book for a free physical copy. Guess I’ll do it!

Going to the pharmacy tomorrow. Didn't feel like going today after going grocery shopping.

Just finished Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks. Good book.

It's been rainy lately and I love it.

the scent of woodsmoke
on
the breeze,

until a gust blows

dropping vibrant leaves

swirling round until

crunching beneath my feet

on the ground

colors glow forth,

amidst the smell of damp

from a light rain,

just hours ago

pumpkins smiling

at the peak of harvest

the corn comes golden

scarecrows stand watch

as black birds pick the

choicest morsels

from the crops

cider of apples
pressed the old way,

by water wheel

donuts, freshly fried

scent the air

as children play

near the river

snug in sweaters,

soft not scratchy

never wanting to go...

That’s beautiful SP

Thank you bluebird...it’s a favorite moment of my childhood.....

baseball starts today, a wonderful distraction

I can't write much cuz I don't even know where to start.

My mental health is ok. I'm taking a 5mg olanzepine every night which is giving me complete insight and stability along with my Invega injection.

Last night was the worst night where my mom just got **** faced and didn't give a **** about me or anyone else. I left the shot glasses, cans and dishes for her to clean up when she gets home from work. She's going to complain but I'm not being involved in this alcohol addiction.

All of my rent money basically goes towards her alcohol addiction so I can maybe move in with my brother later in time and I'll have a place where I can get away from this nonsense. I should have done it years ago. Hopefully when her kids are gone (My sister is going to move out as well), she'll realize that the decisions that she has made has left her to where she's at - and hopefully she can find a man that treats her well - Although she only likes assholes so w/e.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do. I have a list of things but it doesn't feel comfortable to research and understand myself in this environment. It doesn't fee authentic like I have any understanding or support anymore.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow and look at options about moving out on my own. I'm gonna call my old psychologist/psych nurse as well. I'll try to make an appointment with a psychiatrist - Any... It doesn't matter at this point. I want to make sure that any new doctor/psychiatrist that I have doesn't change my meds - So I'm going to write a letter and get them to approve of it.

I'm basically frozen at this point and can't do anything productive. My mind is flooded with my moms drama. Why couldn't she just be a normal cancer patient and stop being so vain? She doesn't care if she dies. She's pretty much suicidal and starves herself - Doesn't listen to my concerns and worries. She's borderline and histrionic so I can't get the 10k dollars back that she took from me and she will sell my condo because it's in her name. I made a 7k downpayment when I was 18.

I'm going to talk to my disability worker and get the check put into my other bank account which isn't shared with my mom so doesn't have control over me anymore. Then I'm going to leave. I hate her when she's drunk - She's a completely different person and when she's sober, she's controlling and still manipulative.

I've had enough. I just want to focus and do things. I feel like a child or a teenager. I've been neglected my whole life.

And the whole economy crashing and COVID and social media, news, craziness is on top of all of that. But I'm very sane and will stay that way. I'm just having brain fog and a bit of dissociation so idk..

busted the glass part of the fridge kinda broke after cleaning it out. No biggie... the fridge is clean.

I hate that I have no friends in real life. I go weeks to months without human interaction and it's only with like my psychiatrist or therapist. I have zero in person human interaction other than that and cashiers once in awhile. It's not like I can make friends here since there are no more events in the community room with everything going on.

I'm hard on myself as well. I'm a high acchiever because I belief inaction is death, and that's not healthy. It also results in a form of anhedonia (although not the one induced from my meds, the manic swtich that caused brain damage) but a lack of pleasure when I could be relaxing and not doing anything, even though that is impossible due to the brain damage.

The good thing for you is that you've found love, and so you have a means to shift from a life of action to a life of shared existence which is more authentic to us social creatures. That way you can get outside of your head and not go up in a ballon like i often do.

A philosophy degree isn't much really. If you read very carefully, a few really good philosophy books then you might be a philosopher! I'm not a teacher so I don't believe Ill have success in philosophy. Honestly, i have a good foundation in the mysteries of life and that's it, I'll never be one of the greats I feel because the greats teach classes all week and engage in ideas every week.

I have to work so I can't engage ith ideas the way i want every week. All I can do is read a coule books every month, and post a blog and write a short story every now and then.

I’m almost paid off one of my credit cards completely! This makes me happy. Next pay cheque I can pay it off completely and then just focus on my other credit card and my line of credit.

Yes, I know the feeling, I felt that way when I lived in NY, and in Chicago. There will be activities in your building again, but I know it sucks for now.