Roll Call 176

Is there anything you can do for distraction? Coloring perhaps? Or playing a simple mobile game?

I'm scared... I'm really scared. My mind can't get anywhere else positive right now.

You’re safe. I’m sending you good thoughts and prayers. Do you want to go to the hospital? Would that be better?

No, I don't want to go to the hospital. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers...

SP, I looked up online for that diamond painting kit. There aren’t many stores that sell it here but there are a few. Thanks for the idea, not going to get it now but it’s nice to know there’s that option for doing art.

I planned out my meals for the next week

Awesome...I just ordered from amazon but crafts stores sell them too...

No because the hospital bed frame hardware takes up the space under the bed.

A friend in the neighborhood who we met a couple months ago Uncle passed away. My roommates cousin is in ICU after his overdose on our meds.

I think the same thing oftentimes about life feeling meaningless.

Perhaps reading some of the existentialists would alleviate some of the suffering?

I don't know if it's therapeutic for you to read the existentialists but it certainly is for me. It's like they give meaning to my life somehow. I totally get how you're feeling though. Sometimes life feels meaningless, for sure.

I didn’t think about that, I think I will do that. My favorite existentialist is Sartre.

We are getting pupusas yay!

I was reading over ADHD subreddit post about paralysis and now I think I'm having .. derealization.. or something..

So I took 0.5mg of clonazepam.

It just happened.. All of a sudden.. I hope I don't panic.. What does "I" or "panic" mean?

No one knows.. No one knows..

So high and mighty like they haven't made a mistake before.

I drank 2 cups of coffee

and woke up too early

I don't know what anything means

I'm just sitting and contemplating.

I will take the time that I need.. To constantly contemplate.. forever..

Edit: I'm sure I'm ok surely the benzo kicked in if not when my mom comes home she'll know.. First you have to admit to yourself that you're panicking.. I don't know anything so what does it matter..

Edit: Everything is too connected. I hear a voice from my sister's TV. Example: "Almost 7lbs!" - And my mind lights up.. Anything..

Edit: Like I really dgaf about anything.. But I care too much.. That's it of all these things.

I feel calmer. Somewhat. I think it's gone. Is it? Surely it is.

The 10mg olanzepine kicked in with benzos.

I feel mucchh better =]

Yeah, Sartre is interesting for sure! I read a lot of his stuff.

I want to go back to Argentina. However, I don't think my therapist thinks it's a good idea. Anyway, I'll probably talk to her about it this week.

Edit: Eh, probably not. Too depressed to do that.

I awoke to the baying vipers, pouncing upon any-thing that comes to mind, craws sharpened ready to degrade and dissect, mocking of any mousey murmur

They hide amongst the shadows of what's telling of the truth, all too eager for an inquisition or exsuction, I wince at the sight of the supreme beings.

Their parallel positioning of accounts, all for their own amusement, play for me little thing.

And I will sing the tale of a bird's call.

It says that olanzepine can cause metabolic damage even after stopping it.

I wonder how much weight I have to gain before my doctor lets me take metformin.

Took a 5mg Dexedrine tablet. It's 10pm. I already had a deep sleep from 7-9pm on the 0.75mg clonazepam so I'll go to bed at around 2-3am cuz Dexedrine IR lasts 4 hours.

I plan to read.

My mom has been using 2x 0.25mg of my clonazepam at night cuz she has to wait a few days for her refill of Ativan. Not sure if she's taking this seriously cuz she's up watching a movie right now.

And I want to go into the living room to read so idk

Managed to read. Now I sleep - Work in the morning..

Just had two extra-concentrated cups of coffee. Now listening to music. Seeing pdoc tomorrow. Good thing for that. This is the old one. The one who knows me a LOT better.