Roll Call 181

Okay I’m not feeling so bad today. A little more focused. I got all the work I was supposed to get done yesterday done this morning. Now working on new stuff so I can relax a bit.

I feel like a sack of garbage from Klonopin. Why the devil does Klonopin even exist?

How does one combat the brain fog induced by Klonopin. I am really at a loss here.

My sleep is still not right. I slept through the night only 2 times since I switched my medicine to night time. Otherwise I’m still sleeping during the day.

Is this really all medicine related? Ugh I wonder if I have a physical condition going on. This makes no sense. At all.

When I was working and making myself get up in the morning, I was so incredibly tired most days. Or at least half the days. But I still stayed up, even after work, and my sleep schedule was on point. I slept every night. So I feel perhaps maybe some has so to do with me not being as active in doing things during the day, but there’s gotta be more to it.

I’ve been dealing with excessive sleepiness since I been on AP’s starting with seroquel or haldol, one, back in 2007. Whichever I was on first. I don’t remember. Before that, I was in high school and still on meds but not AP’s. Just AD’s and AA’s. So I was still sleepy but that also could’ve been teen issues cuz I was staying up into the night, etc and school is exhausting of course on top of that.

I literally don’t know what’s wrong anymore. Idk if it’s the meds anymore FULLY or idfk. It’s driving me insane for a straight decade now. Fckkk.

Worried. I made a 60 second video on TikTok about how depression and anxiety makes u stay awake in the middle of the night. And it’s blowing up. Just worried cuz i don’t do video stuff anymore. I hope I don’t get bullied on that platform.

I'm not going to play doctor because that's not allowed on this forum but why does your doctor think that you need clozapine? It seems like your symptoms (psychotic ones) are under control. Clozapine is helpful for those who don't respond to other antipsychotics and/or those who are I guess I don't necessarily get the logic behind that. Plus you have to get a bunch of blood draws and that's a pain, etc. I'm not discouraging you from going on it nor am I for going on it either. I just want you to consider the risks and potential benefits because it is a really serious medication.

Also I feel like I found the meaning in my life. It's writing in Spanish.

Beautiful sleep

Don't wanna take meds anymore. Someone convince me otherwise. I hate psychiatry as an institution.

I think meds phenomenologically change me.

Think how you were at your worst without meds. That should be enough to keep you taking meds.

AHHHHH. I know. You're right.

I just hate how it's like a game with the meds. It feels like a game.

I know what you mean though I hate having to take meds. Side effects, money, the fact that you’re dependant on something. I had to come to terms with the fact I’ll probably have to be on meds the rest of my life.

Erti#11339

It's like: I am already disadvantaged by having a mental illness. Then on top of that I have to take these meds that sometimes work and sometimes don't, pay out the *** for a psychiatrist who doesn't always help me and/or prescribe the right thing, see a therapist who encourages me - I may or may not have a job at any given time, and I basically have to put in double the effort that a "normal" person does in any given moment. I am sick of it.

That's why I posted the above thing about finding meaning in life.

Honestly, the only thing that gives me meaning is studying the Spanish language and writing in it. (Don't tell my family this, wink). Because there are typical reasons that people find meaning in life and sometimes it's like family, kids, etc. My reasons are different. My reasons are intellectually related. Anyway, thanks to everyone who is reading this. I have been having a really hard time lately.

The thing with chemicals.. There's no bad drug.. Especially if it's classified as a medicine. If they don't work - You have to find which one it is, stop that one with supervision..

It's a process.. One med for this, something for that.. There will be many new and better meds in the future - Some of which that used to be illegal.. Others will be analogues, derivatives, etc..

It's not the meds that have any effect in their chemical structure. It's all in the brain - The brain/mind is the experience of consciousness. Mental illness is a certain state of consciousness.

There's probably hundreds of different types of depression - Maybe that's why some meds don't work for everyone. Since it's the brain that experiences, there's millions of people that are already on meds/drugs - naturally without even being on meds.

It's like saying "All drugs that get you high are bad for society" just like "All meds are bad for myself - Even if I have mental illness".

There's people that have been on meds and do well without them because they never needed them in the first place but usually that's just a change of perspective - A massive change.. And it only works because of the anger associated with it.. It can jump start immediate coping mechanisms that haven't been triggered before. That's why psychedelics are being trialed for possibly treating mental health disorders - They cause immediate change.

Thank you sir. I appreciate it.

You are very smart, Des - I hope you know that.

That’s a good gauging factor.

Added!

I’m in Canada so I pay to see my psychologist but I don’t pay for regular doctor or psychiatrist. I have insurance benefits that pay for pretty much all my medication and most of my psychologist. I’m lucky in that way. Had I had to pay for anything all out of pocket, I probably never would have opened up to my doctor and done anything about my mental health. If I didn’t have insurance I probably never would have gone on medication or seen a psychologist. Healthcare systems are supposed to help but they help mainly the advantaged. It’s unfair.

And brings me meaning aside from my mom, my sister, my dog - is learning. I have to keep myself busy. I love advancing myself and learning and keeping myself busy which is why I decided to go back to school last year. I don’t know who I would be if I couldn’t work and couldn’t learn.

It’s really dumb how it works...

Need job to get benefits to pay for medication. But at the same time - needs medication to get job.

CATCH 22.

Lotsa small good things happening today

That app Nomo I used to track not drinking says I’ve already saved an estimated $60. Nice.

I pay everything out of my pocket, but i still feel lucky that I’m getting treatment. I’ve been stable for a while now