Roll Call 181

My doctor said because I have ongoing psychotic symptoms, as I said earlier I don’t talk about them on here. I talk about them with my sister and my therapist, doctor and people in my real life but not on here because I feel like it’s personal and I don’t want people in my real life to find me on here. I’m also suicidal a lot. And I’ve been on almost every AP and things aren’t getting better they’re starting to get worse the past two or three months. I know because I don’t post about being suicidal constantly or about my hallucinations and stuff all the time that may seem like I’m stable but I’ve been struggling a lot and I don’t feel comfortable writing some of the things I deal with on here. Plus I ended up in hospital last month for psychotic symptoms and I keep having experiences (again, don't feel comfortable talking about them specifically here) but that I keep almost ending up in the hospital again

No worries, no worries. I hope I didn't cause you to feel uncomfortable.

No you didn't, it's okay I'm just kind of a private person with certain things

That’s how I am BB. I don’t talk much about my psychosis anymore. I still have it daily on varying levels (just depending on how bad it is or rather how much I can deal with it). But I try to deliberately not focus on my symptoms too much because I have to absolutely NOT stay in my head. Or I will go downhill very badly.

Eh I don’t really care anymore if people know about my mood and delusional stuff. I don’t think there’s enough info on here to really identify me. I don’t use my name or any big specific details. Hell, I don’t even mention what kind of music or movies I like.

There are some things and thoughts I don’t mention but most I’m pretty open with. Even telling my family about them.

It totally does. I’ve been on meds for like ten years now.....I can’t help but think they’re slowly destroying my brain and completely changed my personality but I also haven’t been totally psychotic in ten years....there have been blips but that’s it. I now accept that I need the meds and that I’ll juts always be different than I was. I’m embracing the new me even if that new me is thirty pounds heavier.

That’s super cool....have you ever considered translating books into Spanish, we have a popular collection of stuff like the hunger games that is translated for the library.

Exactly. For me too. It changed my personality and destroyed my brain, I believe. And I’m heavier.

I’m trying to accept my weirdness, and difference in that above stuff. I’ve always been weird tho. Like really weird. Which is why I think I don’t vibe right with many people and they don’t seem to stick around.

I’ve been on meds for at least half my life. 15-17 years. Since I was 13 or about.

Good things that are happening today:

I got groceries

I got ANOTHER free, physical book to review.

I got offered to be paid to fix someone’s computer.

Stimmy got approved fully pretty much.

My dad got fiance a bday gift which saves me money on getting the item by myself.

I sent my bro in law and nephew a belated bday present, so that’s done.

Bills got paid last night!

People can find me here with my odd thoughts idc

Let them do the greatest witch hunt...

Everything's an information mess anyways

Waiting to get my blood test for lithium done. I hope I pass.

Ever since I was a kid I always felt I was weird and there was something different about me but I could never pin point it. I’ve had OCD stuff since I was a kid, and probably depression as a teenager. In my 20s I started having mood episodes and psychosis.

It almost was a relief to get a diagnosis to put a label on my weirdness.

My therapist mentioned a medication called saphris. She’s gonna talk to my pdoc and if she says it’s okay and my insurance approves it then we’ll try that. If not then it will be the clozaril.

She says she has a couple clients on it that it helps a lot (the saphris)

Just normal Google searches for me lol;

I want clozapine too. Honestly, I feel like it's my last resort.

I signed up to volunteer for English teaching but I do not feel like doing it.

Also I called my pdoc. Hope she responds soon!

My therapist said I did a good job for taking the trash out today. Lol. She wants me to start working on getting outside more even if it’s just for little bits like that since I’m getting myself into this agoraphobic mode from staying in all the time

But why did you sign up then?

It’s ok to say no to things sometimes.

I'm a sack of garbage that's why.

Sorry, no I'm just in a terrible mood.

I think I'll probably just ask to see if my student can begin next week instead of today.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make u upset. I apologize. I was just saying, it’s ok to say no to things sometimes and focus on yourself. It’s ok to slow down from time to time.

Anxiety? I get this for work and even fun stuff sometimes.

I'm sorry Newtus, I didn't mean it to insult you.

I am just really frustrated and I take it out on others sometimes. Sorry.

Yeah I think it is just that.

Watching a live kitten cam on Twitch