Roll Call 181

Please don’t judge me

Can your fiancé go with you? That may make it a little easier/more comfortable

Why does doing something so simple like cooking rice make me so worn out and exhausted.

Youre a beautiful young lady... people who judge you are jealous and has issues with themselves more so than you.

I slept in until 8:45am and thought "Oh ****.. I have to be at work by 9am" so I got ready in 5 minutes and arrived at exactly 9am cuz it takes 10 minutes to walk there..

Busy day.. I drank 3 cups of coffee with Vyvanse so I feel speedy - I came home, had a shower, cleaned the litter box, washed the dishes and vacuumed my room. I feel slightly obsessive today. I feel like I had enough sleep.

I can't wait until the ACDC Cookie moderate THC/high CBD strain arrives at the weed store.. I feel like I can barely watch videos like Netflix or YouTube without it. It improves my cognition while other strains damage my cognition short term.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and this is what I'll mention;

- Doing very well on the olanzepine still (No psychotic/OCD thoughts or dissociation/panic attacks).
- Greatly improved quality of life on 60mg of Vyvanse a day (Prescribe 1-2 5mg Dexedrine tablets in the evening or increase to 70mg).
- Invega Trinza injection almost due. Eventually will try and lower it to a medium dose to see if I can go off of it.
- Not dependent on phenibut anymore - Using kratom
- Refills maybe.

I'm thinking about what crypto coins to invest in. I want to also buy silver and other assets with my job money before the dollar crashes - Better than drugs right??? For some reason, I'm not buying hard drugs anymore. I'm just less impulsive and more mature than that.

Second this!

You have a beautiful mind too @ Newt. The people that judge don't understand. You might be hypervigilant like I was a few days ago in the parking lot. You might need to tweak your meds a little.

Morning. I’ve been sleeping early lately, around 6pm then waking up around 3 am. I like this schedule so much better than waking up all night. I made breakfast, toast with sunny side egg then ate a tomato and drink some green tea. It’s 4 am now, I’m going to paint until 6 then do the house chores. I turned on my aromatherapy, what a relaxing morning. I’m so happy. My painting session set up

I’m actually afraid of people hurting me or killing me

I get that way too. I live in a... not so good neighborhood.. but even so that eerie feeling that someone is going to come after you. I find myself scared of men walking down the street.

I think life always has a risk of dying, don’t let this stop you from living. Do the precautions, go out during the day it’s safer than night, don’t go to a very quite place but instead a place with enough amount of people, bring a pepper spray, check your car if you’re driving (do you have enough gas, is the engine in a good condition, etc), stuff like that. I know there are many victims of crime but there are also many people who never become a victim of such things. Pray before you go if you’re religious, have a faith that God will protect you. Or if you’re not religious, only spiritual for example, carry a good luck stone or something like that

I’ve been drinking

But I didn’t go get my medicine.

I think I’m having a psychosis episode or whatever

I think I’ve found god in odd numbers tho. The actual like I discovered the legitimacy of god through numbers.

Fiancé is mad at me right now cuz I haven’t cleaned. He’s drinking downstairs.

I've been having meltdowns that my mom or me are going to die. I hate it. I get scared. I hate this feeling. I need to see my mom. I love visiting with her.

I have a delusion that an unknown force wants to kill either me or my mom. That one of us has to die.

I think it's cuz of the great imbalances between our near death experiences.

I feel quite horrible and stressed out

I feel like I'm someone else. My past is completely different. It's like I've reincarnated into someone else. I miss feeling ok. Sleep doesn't help. When I do feel ok, there's still something lingering in my mind, everywhere.. that I'm not at all content.

I feel okay actually. Still kind of obsessive but I had a lazy day just did some studying and watched TV.

Idk I feel okay but also not okay still.

I painted and did chores and it’s only 8.37 am. I don’t have anything left to do so probably just going to binge watching Mark Manson videos about self awareness and listen to some podcasts about the same topic. I want to watch some painting tutorials too. It’s a sunny day but not too cold. Perfect weather.

Feeling better. The weed gave me a little psychosis. I started googling weird things and watched things about doppelgangers.. Which was weird.. Reality is so weird man. When my ego dies, weird absurd things pop up in my imagination of how ridiculous reality actually is sometimes.

I used to get up really early like that. 3:30-4am and start my days. I always felt much more productive when I did that, I got more done early and had the rest of the day to do what I want.

Trouble sleeping again.

Obsessive thoughts.

I just want to feel normal. Like I can’t even tell if this is normal now. Is this me? I can’t tell if it’s hypomanic me, or stable me. I must be close to normal.

I just can’t tell.

Reality is indeed weird. Feelings are weird too. They’re fluctuating. What we feel so important now, like material things, anger, happiness, sadness, etc, they don’t last. During the Ancient Rome era purple color was for the royalty only, they thought it was so precious that the commoners shouldn’t wear it. Today purple is just purple, even beggars can wear it. Or like feelings, when I had my first crush in the middle school I thought that guy was perfect. Looking back now I cringe, dude couldn’t even do a simple math. So was anger I used to feel towards my abusers, it has disappeared now. I see both reality and feelings as tools to my goal. I just have two goals for now, making money to take care of my family and people around me, and making a progression in my spiritual journey because I believe in the after life. I want to be a good person. I refuse to believe that we just disappear after we die because that would mean that my struggles and efforts would go in vain. There must be an ultimate justice after I die. But that’s my perspective, others might have different views and it’s fine. So yeah, I’ve been trying not to glorify reality or my feelings. Doesn’t mean I run away to imagination’s never land or denying/put aside my feelings, but to see them as tools. Using the imagination and make plans for it to become reality to change the reality I am in now that isn’t comfortable. Processing my feelings to have a self awareness and change them into more proper feelings to have based on the situation I’m in. Idk if all of these make sense 😂

Yeah this schedule makes me feel good. I hope this will become a habit. I’ve been taking my meds right after lunch. I feel sleepy by 5-6 pm when I take them around that time

Just listening to music tonight. Gonna go to bed on the early side. Asking my psychiatrist tomorrow if I can lower the olanzapine, reason being that I am getting super depressed by it late in the day. It has had that effect on me in the past. So, that's where I got that idea.

You seem to be in a very good spiritual place @12AM. I only rarely get to that point. Now I'm blinded by a SHEET of PURPLE.. I am a king..

But no there really is a point where a certain philosophy or way of thinking can really solve any mental problem that anyone is in. Most psychedelics are "entheogens" (a chemical substance, typically of plant origin, that is ingested to produce a nonordinary state of consciousness for religious or spiritual purposes).. Hmm a drug that induces spiritual healing - But you don't even need them because spiritual states can be manifested in sobriety.

Psychedelics are illegal in the western world because as much as I wouldn't like to believe, it benefits the rich for people to suffer.. It's similar to making purple illegal..

I'm in a state where I'm trying to research crypto - But also trying to find inner peace and spirituality/meditation/content so it's similar to yours. I used to be extremely logical and loved science when I was a kid. My parents would buy me chemistry sets, telescopes and stuff like that but it all changed once my ex step dad manipulated my family and trained me like a dog for years.

I think ~90% of people have some awareness of what I didn't have before my trip. I am a bit different just because I was "the doubter"/atheist or skeptic and I got to "put my hand into the womb" while nobody else did.. So I seem to be on both sides of everything now.

I'm trying to practice gratefulness and get my creativity back. I'm happy that you're painting - I could draw/paint but I'm not 100% of anything right now. I need a vacation or to relate to people IRL maybe make friends. Either people are assholes or they're like me but way more "out there" than me.

I think the best way to do this is to meditate - That's why I'd like to use a virtual reality headset and lie down while I use the internet cuz it's like my brain is completely functional but my body is exhausted - That's how I see it... I'm so heavy and worn down that I don't want to make effort - Like lifting weights.. Exercise would help - All of these things would.. The good things.. Not drugs. After I stopped using hard drugs, I'm back where I started.. I have to relive, finding meaning to reality and to not escape it. I'm faced with a wall that I have to climb over which I ignored my whole life. I'm ready now.

I'm still not sure if I want to live but I better make that decision soon and live with full attention, motivation and try to let go of my past and not to regret it.