Roll Call 181

I feel... I don't know. Kind of out of sorts. Like I don't feel manic. Don't really feel hypomanic. Not hyper at all. Hard to focus and I have thoughts. Like weird thoughts. Not like... psychotic. But kind of disordered.

I keep skipping breakfast. I feel guilty eating sometimes. Trying to eat smaller portions because I need to lose weight but my mind keeps going to extremes.

IDK just my brain is working too much.

Loneliness is destroying me I think.

Practicing clouds

I managed to get some really good sleep - Awesome dreams. They were so exciting and strange. I feel well rested =].. My body needed deep sleep as well not just my mind..

Took some kratom, phenibut and stim. I feel content and mindful - Although my memory is very bad and I have FOMO for everything still. I still feel mild depression.

I felt so terrible yesterday. Felt a little like psychosis. I get the injection next week. I'll see my psychiatrist and I'll keep my meds the same except for adding Dexedrine.

I'm trying to prevent my mind from deteriorating but I think I'm losing that battle. My memory is so bad and I've been overwhelmed by novelty and being generally interested in everything after my trip 4 years ago.

I realize that I just can't keep up with everything that I want to do. I don't have time. I often will be reading something or watching a video and just bookmark it to come back to it later - But I never do.

I'm doing an experiment where I go 90 days caffeine free. I want to see how it will affect me. I'm actually gonna stick to it this time.

I'm in the process of coming off Thorazine because it causes me to sleep wayyyy too much and have zero energy. My doctor is fine with it since I'll still be on an AP (trilafon), moodstabilizer, and ADs. I have 2 more days then I'll be off it.

My sister is coming over next weekend so we can finally make bread with the bread machine.

I'm watching a video featuring Jim Kwik again.

I'm trying to develop sustainable motivation. Jim Kwik had a brain injury when he was a kid - I did as well.

And the effects of what happened afterwards is very similar - Withdrawing, isolating and trying to make myself smaller and invisible. Because the brain is a muscle so you either use it or lose it.

I think one of the problems with making my brain more active is that I'll find it harder to sleep. Right now the OCD thoughts are 10% of what they used to be a while ago - It comes and goes depending on how stressed I am.

Every night I have obsessive thoughts about coming off Latuda. Just flood my mind what if what if why not try it...

Maybe I don’t need it. Maybe my problem is just bipolar. Nothing else. This whole time I’ve been on wrong medication.

What if what if what if.

What if I’m wrong. I feel like I have more to say but it’s being blocked.

I wish I could just go and get drunk. I feel like I need to escape my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I haven’t had alcohol since I started the lithium almost three weeks ago.

I thought more about how much I would spend on alcohol and apparently I’ve saved roughly $230 so far. Not drinking is helping my debt a little bit. But I miss it. Just vibeing and relaxing.

I don’t understand how I goto rest for 30 min to an hour and I sleep 7 hours...

I’m so pissed at myself again. So pissed. I haven’t been getting the greatest sleep either during the night. I’m up all night. I’m still tired too but I’m pushing myself to stay up just a bit longer.

Is this truly the medicine? I don’t get anything done anymore and it’s truly depressing.

Do you have anything to help you sleep now to reset to a normal sleep?

Our neighbors sold their townhouse condo right next door to us. I hope the new people aren’t loud party people. I hope they’re studious book worms who listen to music with headphones.

You've been sleeping like this for months now I think.. It doesn't seem to be getting better.. Am just getting updated thinking - "Christ - The suffering.. Will she get better?"...

What meds are you on? Do you think that it's the meds or depression? Or something else?

I put 0.25mg of clonazepam under my tongue because I thought I could go without the olanzepine for a few more hours - Nope... Colours are brighter and I'm dissociating slightly

I got overwhelmed by studying cryptocurrencies

It’s like I feel the world needs to calm down so I can calm down and have a sense of normal.

I started a conversation on LinkedIn about happy things during the past year. Getting good responses. I’m glad.

I try to keep thinking of the good things. Promotion, school, doing well with social anxiety. But there’s bad. Lost two pets, global pandemic, struggling mental health.

Sometimes I feel so lost. I can’t take it sometimes.

What to tell my doctor Monday:

1. Obsessive thinking.
2. Hard time sleeping.
3. Eating disordered thinking.
4. Some little blips of delusional thinking.
5. Pressured speech.

I don’t want to slip into depression.

Last I remember you were having this issue even while you weren’t on meds......

I have work tomorrow but my sister is getting coffee and donuts so that’s a plus.

After work I have to go grocery shopping. Part of me is excited to get out and do something. But also part of me dreads being out in public. Especially since I have to wear a mask. Sometimes I wear a mask it’s so hot I feel I’m going to have a panic attack.

Sorry for posting so much I just feel I have to keep saying things.

I have all these thoughts going through my head.

Like so much so much but I can’t hear all of it. It’s being blocked or stolen from my head.

I can’t sleep.

You know what guys,

I think I know when this started.

I think this started real heavily when I stopped taking diphenhydramine which is otc called Unisom or any other sleep pill really, back in august of last year.

But I got scared I was hurting my liver with that stuff so I quit cuz someone told me it’s not good on my liver.

Ugh.

(Diphenhydramine is basically what is Benadryl)

Cuz I deal with severe insomnia in general. Always have since I was like 8 or 9 or even when I was a baby, my parents said I never slept.

Am I still hypomanic? I don’t know. Do I seem hypomanic or manic to you guys?

Had a slight panic attack but got myself out of it. Now listening to "music for stress relief".

My sister caught me in the middle of it and I couldn't express my thoughts. I fear that she thinks I'm this way all of the time.

It was about time that this would happen.. Idk.. It's complicated - The meds.. I'll try and take them as prescribed? o.-

I was planning to meditate and I guess that this is the best time.

I think it's over.. the panic.. Tired of this

I read every post but find it hard to remember them.

Mania or not, you neeeed good sleep...

Sorry idk if im helpful

The olanzepine killed what ever this was.. A flashback... I feel ok again.. I'm not afraid of anything anymore. To get over these things, you just need to let go - I thought to myself though, "This is 100% because of my malfunctioning brain".. But when it happens, you just need to let go..

Let go of the panic, accept and breathe.

So depressed today.

I think my hair is falling out too a little bit.

I feel nauseous

I’m hearing voices.

Not eating much lately

Not enough intake of water

So much more