Roll Call 181

I should try to read more. Reading is great. I just try to sleep now instead of reading.

Can’t sleep. Mind too busy. Wrote down some stuff.

Watching TV.

Gonna spend 5 minutes every night writing a memory journal - Here's for today March 24th 2020;

Didn't want to go skiing this morning but my mom got me out of bed to go and I enjoyed it
Read a bit of PiHKAL in the car - He talked about taking 2C-E with a friend on a hike and it made him realize that he's an old man and is at the end of his life, seeing vultures circling the sky - His friend was having a great time, enjoying the colours and scenery
Bit foggy, flat light - Enjoyable skiing day
Was worried about my doctor having to refill all my meds but my psychiatrist refilled 3 months of all of them - But not the Dexedrine yet
Was looking at crypto - Seemed to be going down even more
Came home and sat by the fire, little bit of snow, took kratom, phenibut, smoked some weed
Listened to a bit of Alan Watts (His last interview in 1973)
My mom was drunk but didn't allow the psychopath "*" to ruin everything
Wanted to read tonight but might go to bed instead - I'd be reading if I could take 5-10mg of Dexedrine in the evening
Mental health doing very good - Keeping memory journals so I can remember things. The olanzepine and Vyvanse greatly improved my quality of life - Last year was ****ed. I haven't suffered so much like that ever.

When I have a bunch of emotions swirling around it often helps to write. I don't know if it's the same for you.

Also, I keep getting up ridiculously early (it's 5:00 AM local time here).

Tapatalk is a-workin’!!!

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Omg that’s so weird. Yea I remember now that you said it.

How crazy. Like my delusions or whatever always been religious for the most part. I have seem to have scrupulosity (sp?).

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Yeah this is the first time me delusions have been on religion. I’m not religious regularly at all.

One time years ago I was really up and I wanted to convert to all kinds of religions but that’s a little different.

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I put my bra on and my back is not in much pain virtually at all now.

Over the shoulder boulder holders.

Scruples*

Just walked the dogs and my back is in so much pain

Not sure why.

I sit and sit and sit most of the day now. Idk how to explain the brevity of it. Or rather the seriousness of it. And I say it's serious cuz I don't get a damn thing done anymore and fiancé and my mom and even my dad ask me what I did today and I always say idk because I then realize I've sat in a trance all day with things running through my mind. A literal trance. Like I used to do when I was catatonic with my psychosis.

Had a fun day out as I shared with you guys on Snapchat. I ordered my art supplies and a ukulele for my sister too. I think the art supplies will be here in 2-3 days but the ukulele will be here tomorrow probably. I bought many fruits too as the price in this other town is like 30% of the price in my town. I also bought 2 cakes and some snacks that all taste amazing. Talked with my good friend, she told me to help myself because I’m good with helping people but I don’t use that skill for myself. Love her for always reminding me to take care of myself. Trying to sleep now

Have you been taking your meds regularly? Because you sometimes forget to. I hope people around you don’t make you feel guilty for feeling this way? You take care of everyone when you feel good, it’s only fair for you to be taken care of when you don’t feel well

Yes I have been. Idk what’s going on. I’ve had this before obviously when I was real sick and other times in between the years.

My mom makes me feel bad but thats all who does

Hmm, how’s other things in life? Is there anything that caused you stress?

Yes my sister recently and idk probably other stuff I shouldn’t be stressed about. I’m also stressed about the state of my mental health right now too. And other minor things. I stress out easily. Even on the littlest things. So big things kill me inside.

Finally slept after a while. Woke up wide awake and I feel clear headed. I see truths that were being hidden from me.

Hugs. I’d say try to stay away from your mom and sister as much as you can, at least until you feel better. Surround yourself with loving people, do a self care, and be gentle on yourself. It’s a tough situation but it won’t last forever. You got this ❤️

9.33 pm and I can’t sleep yet. Ugh hopefully this won’t mess up with my sleep schedule

I think my doctor is going to be mad at me. He’s being used as a pawn. I don’t blame him at all. He’s too nice of a guy. He wouldn’t hurt me. Forced to peddle poison.

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Cog sweetie, call your doctor. You sound unwell at the moment. Let him know what is going on.

I got my hair cut last night. It feels so good. The stylist took an hour to cut my hair, blow dry, and style it. It feels good though. Its shorter than I wanted. I wanted shoulder length and it's more like chin length but that's okay. It's weird when I brush my hair now. I'm like where's the rest of it. I think she cut like 9 inches off.