Roll Call 182

This is ****ing ********! I can't explain what has happened.. I didn't take the olanzepine yet.. Basically I have to isolate - And I before I knew, I went to get my mom a bottle of wine and that ****ing malicious evil ***** questions me - And now she'll gossip.. Why didn't I get contacted earlier.. Why did they say I didn't need to isolate,.. ****

I can't even comprehend

I took the Vyvanse at 2pm or something. I expected to stay up later but I have to get tested tomorrow at 11am so I can't sleep early.. I could try..

I've never been this confused. My mom still has to work - She's worn out af - And cuz of her coworkers gaslighting her and abusing her.

My sister was supposed to come home tomorrow but now that's not going to happen.

I was fine just watching the news - Which is ****ed. It's all screwed up.

I'm sort of panicking. Reality is broken. I'll take a clonazepam and try to sleep soon.

Now I kind of feel I shouldn't have said anything. My mom asked me how many times I washed my hands so far today and looked sad. I can't help it! Ugh.

I gotta study all day today and all morning tomorrow. Exam tomorrow afternoon. Nervous.

U know, maybe I somehow was reading an old roll call and thought it was from yesterday? But I swear the dates and times were yesterday ? I D K . I've been feeling more paranoid lately , especially at night. But I didn't think it was that bad. Who knows but that kinda tripped me out haha

Morning

Morning! A little bit of depersonalization last night.. The 0.25mg kpin stopped that nonsense.. I feel much better this morning.

Got tested for COVID. It doesn't help when being a slight hypochondriac.

But I hope that I test positive and get no symptoms that would be nice - Or test negative..

Maybe a cup of tea with Sugar?

Thanks, it seems to have gone away since I've almost been on the shot a week and off thorazine, I seem to be adjusting to the changes now. I'll try that if it happens again though

I slept finally, just at weird times. I slept from like 5am till 1:30pm. Now I'm all screwed up and I'll have to stay up all night tonight and all day tomorrow so I can go to sleep tomorrow night and get back on a normal schedule hopefully.

I meditated last night, it didn't help me fall asleep faster but it felt good.

My tooth hurts so I'm gonna have to go to the dentist soon. :/

My sister is dropping off the weighted blanket tomorrow. I can't wait! It's gonna be great!

Cog, would it help if you wore some cotton gloves?

Oh, I'm glad it's seeming to subside!

So, a traveling opthalmologist did a quickie exam and said it looks like I'm developing macular degeneration. I hope and pray she's wrong. I still have to go back to the regular opthalmologist for some kind of debris removal and to the retina specialist.

I had a different dream earlier. But I keep forgetting it.

Went out and did stuff

Nah, I just feel I have to wash my hands repeatedly after I use the washroom, or when they're dirty. Not clean if I don't wash them five times.

I don't remember this roll call thread, so I think I'm a newcomer on this one. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but I have voices nonstop. And they keep me awake so I'm too tired all the time. I'm ok at the moment.

The Tapatalk thanks button is a hug button here.

Doing better today. My psychiatric provider helped me yesterday so that's good.

I'm trying to have self-discipline but it's hard. The "P" in "INFP" is the only thing that explains my problem well.. When I decide to do something, I prefer to think about it, imagine scenarios, wait until I "feel" like doing something.

I need to fix this prollem - But it would make me feel pain =].. To sit and do something that I don't feel like doing.. No money involved.. Just will and hope that I'm making worth of my time with a chance that it won't work out.. bleh

Meditation should help. But I procrastinate that as well.

I'm just being honest ='/

Hello, I've seen you around, nice to have you here I hope you find some relief from the voices

Benefits of reading:

Benefits of Reading Books: For Your Physical and Mental Health

I'm re-reading A Song of Ice and Fire series on my Kindle (the books Game of Thrones was based off of)

Random person 1: Was just wondering how acid reacts with antidepressants?

Me: Someone on a vc once said that I need something to live/die for and told me to make up my mind before he came back from the washroom

Helping person: afaik its bad to take them while on antidepressants

Random person 2: Acid is an antidepressant imo

Helping person: and taking benzos to kill a trip rlly makes my brain feel weird and kind of psychotic

Me: Better add seroquel then! Olanzepine..

Helping person: seroquel makes me feel like i got hit in the head with a rock lmao

Helping person: Quote: “Someone on a vc once said that I need something to live/die for and told me to make up my mind after he came back from the washroom” - having a life purpose is really important for your happiness

Me: But I can't make up my mind! I need to explorree multiple interests (About 50-100 of them) before I decide =[ Why don't people give me timmeee

Helping person: u have a lot of time to plan 1 thing that you're going to follow for the rest of your life - help humanity in some form - have to commit to it tho

Me: yes.. The person said I would end up a serial killer if i don't which is falsssee

Helping person: what the ****? - xD - no you'll probably just become hopeless about life because u dont have a path - idk about serial killers - whats in their minds - I can just assume - probably really unconcious - numbed by sadness -
maybe being morbid & feeling doing wrong things stimulates their brain a lot - and thats why - idek

Me: I need to make my brain more neuroplastic and not fall apart - Cuz I used to just sleep on antipsychotics =/ Now with the psychedelic, it has opened my mind to everything... I learn about everything now .. I was a failed gifted kid, everything... The abuse and neglect was too much idk

Helping person: I relate to you

Me: I do want to change the world in a way... But the people posting "wash your hands" and "wear a mask" on facebook.. Idk about that propaganda machine

Helping person: what do you mean - washing hands and wearing mask does help w not spreading the virus - & infecting urself

Random person 3: U not making sense - Are u anti safety ???

Me: .. There's things where.. for the longest time, I had zero spirituality.. I was very good at math.. And that's all I was good at + languages and liked science.. But no one philosophized with me growing up. I was just told to vacuum the carpet over and over again if I missed any spots, swept floors and sanded trailers - No one told me to develop as a person.. Just to self-discipline through mindless tasks.. And now, people think they can change the world and manifest through anything - When if I were to meet a person in the past, it was just a coincidence.. OOooh a coincidence - That means that I wasn't meant to talk to them... In the isolated place, meaningless sensory deprivation and insanity of giving into the pain and walking the highway looking at passing semi's go by

Me: I'm not anti-safety! It was an example of posts i see on FB - Note to self: Use examples in more variety


Helping person: but somehow you've become self-aware of it and got out of the loop - so now you can grow as person - and learn things on your own - isnt that nice? - you woke up

Me: Yes.. But I regret.. So much regret and time gone.. Now I must accept and carry on - Maybe try to make up for it

Helping person: how old are you?

Me: 24

Helping person: ur so fuking young wtf - Xd - ur not 40 - u have so much time - and still you're in your prime physical form rn - just have to gather yourself and do stuff

Me: Yeah I suppose.. I just get flashbacks of not defending myself

Helping person: you need awareness though

Me: more awareness??

Helping person: more


Me: Oh Jesssus - No but I know..

Thank you @Blue_Bird!!

Dear @Desoxyn, I just read your last post here. I'm very sorry life is so hard right now, for you & other people. And even though I'm older than you, I can relate to you a lot. My fingers are crossed for you. Hugs & love to you!