Roll Call 189

If I had an arsenal of meds at my disposal right now I still wouldn't feel good enough to do my job. I mean that meds aren't the answer in terms of finding meaning in life.

*hugs BB, WA and anyone else*

I have those thoughts too..

I'm not sure if meaning is what I'm looking for? Idk.. There's so much to learn and realize. There's a state of mind called "Self-Actualization";

Self-actualization - Wikipedia

I just want a good mental state, forever changing enough for me to cope - So I can go through the infinity.

I'm not sure what to do even for myself.. My mom sits and drinks.. My dad is traumatized too - But they both love life..

It is hard for us.. Like we're in a horrifying episode of Black Mirror.

I think my cat will be a soul that I see after I die - I took care of her for over a decade - Since I was a kid. She has been there since the start of my mental illness and was a good companion during one of my good trips.

I have a lot to think about - And I think hard, deeply. I do feel trapped in life in every possible way. I should try and learn gratitude and other positive emotions.

My coworker really bothers me - I don't want to work at this job anymore. I spent 2 hours one night trying to sleep, thinking a way to get out of the uncomfortable situation. I used to lie awake for 2-3 hours and laugh at my thoughts hysterically, having conversations in my head.

I used to have such incredible feelings of content once I started to awaken.

Here's a good quote from someone I was talking to;

"We are dissonance.
The very act of existing is dissonance.

We are both eternal and temporary.
Finite and infinite.

All of happiness in life is based on two things.
If you want to attain it here is the magic formula. The sauce.

Gratitude and perception

Be grateful for all that you have. Treasure everything as of it's the only one of that you'll ever have. Be good to all that is around you. Living and non. Extend mercy to all things great and small and mercy shall extend reach out to you.

I find it's better to just ignore unwanted behaviour

Let us not forget the most prized commodity of all.
Attention

Punishing bad behaviour never leads to good outcome..
Just more bad behavior.

Dont get me wrong
Sometimes an *** whooping is in order
But usually that is not the way to go.

Though if someone attacks you
Absolutely attack back
Gouge his eyes out
Rip out his tongue

Everyone's in a different stage of healing

You can always get more woke
Like going up a ladder

With a manhole type opening
And each level up
Opens and blossoms several fold grander than the one before

And the one before you thought was the greatest.
And then it just gets even greater."

Exhausted

idk if its from invega, olanzepine, energy drink and stim crash or kpin

but..

i sleep

fkn sht ...

I was peeved yesterday because my pdoc put me on Xanax XR instead of Klonopin. Now I am feeling the aftereffects of that. It is terrible. I want to go back to Klonopin but he won't let me.

Bright and cold out. I can't tell if it snowed last night. I have to listen to something. I hope everyone is ok.

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Drinking some berry herbal tea. Walking to the library in a bit to return books and pick up requests.

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@Sometimes psychotic it snowed on my island in ACNH last night

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Cool...I’ve had a few flurries but nothing on the ground or trees yet, but I haven’t logged in today.

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I really need to force myself to get a shower today. It's been since Monday I think. Ugh. If I don't do it today, I will need to do it tomorrow morning. It's been cold here in the mornings, at least when I get up at 4 AM it is cold so I don't want to do it in the mornings. Then depending on the evening I either have Bible Study or Aftercare so it is hard to get my shower done. But I need to. I did change my socks this morning. But only because they had a hole in them.

It is supposed to rain today. So I wore my rain boots. Well they are rain or snow boots but it's definitely not going to snow. So far it has only sprinkled. I'm disappointed.

I wore my big black comfortable sweatshirt that says, "Perfectly Imperfect" though. Love this. It's so comfy. I also ordered me some slippers from Vans that are kind of shoes and kind of slippers. I'm hoping I can get away with wearing them to work if they don't look too much like a slipper. They have sherpa lining.

No news on the job promotion front. At least it's not a no, at least not yet. I'm a bit nervous for next week when I will possibly have to answer questions or something. I have quite a bit of management experience, just not in this field. But I can learn the product. We'll see what happens.

I am trying to find a new psychiatrist again.

I think I'm starting to realize that life is too short to spend all my time obsessing about my weight

So true..plus food is tasty...just sayin.

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I’m so excited because in the morning I’m having eggs and buttered toast. I’ve been craving that like crazy lately.

I'm not taking the Vyvanse in the morning. I'll try and make it to work on time. I don't want to be too awake, dealing with people.

I'm really struggling. I don't have any will to explain anything. What I think just feels like nonsense. I feel like I have no connection to anyone that understands me.

The world is a mess. My mind is a mess. I don't even want to type here but I have to try and explain at least something. I'm traumatized. Life is a bad trip. I try to push through, hating myself for avoiding life and then dealing with the consequences of that + I keep making the same mistakes.

It's too complicated of a mess. I could write and talk forever - It goes around in circles. I need a therapist but I'm not sure why.

I don't know what to do any time of the day - I try to figure things out for my own unique situation. I wish I was dead - Or that none of this existed. I've been crying today just like a few days ago.

I know I act like an idiot sometimes to everyone. I'm starting from the ground up - But no one had the cognitive disability that I've had since a kid. I feel like I don't understand anything. Deep down, I see what is wrong. It's like I'm in a box and can't get out - Everyone else is on the outside.

I'm gonna try and sleep - To escape. I want help but I don't know if anyone can really help me. I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything. I'm solipsistic. I'm tired and exhausted - So is everyone right? Why does that matter if no one is actually real? So yeah..

I suppose I'm OK.

I drank a cider. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel this way. Sometimes I want my mind to snap.

But I feel OK. I'll sleep on it - Or at least wait until I'm done work. Then I'll figure out what to do.

I feel bad too. I don't want to work anymore, just seems meaningless honestly. I don't know why. Just does.

The only reason is money. That's why I'm working. So I can buy a bunch of stupid things I don't need. I don't know anymore. My mind is basically a sieve. It's like some idea will go through it that is good, and then once my mind processes that thought, it will turn negative.

I’m too lazy to make chili so I’m buying some canned chili tomorrow

My goal is to get a year long streak of not restricting/bingeing/purging. I would be so proud of myself.

Cause it is lol