Roll Call 190

Good morning. Feeling good today. Woke up early (5am) watched an episode of Lucifer. Fed/gave water to Stash. Then played animal crossing while I listened to a new episode of an animal crossing podcast. Then made some scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast. Took all my morning meds. Brushed my teeth.

Now I'm just trying to decide what to do. I need to do laundry but the water in my sink isn't getting hot. Sometimes it does that in the early mornings. Idk if that would affect the temperature of the water in the washing machine or not so I'm waiting.

It's 3 degrees out right now, pretty cold.





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Okay water is hot now. Dishes are done.

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Laundry is in the washer, practiced playing ukulele for 35 minutes

T appointment went well yesterday even though I relapsed before the appointment. Oh well. She was good about it. We talked about the voices and she was assessing my skills. That was a little weird. She says I am mostly doing good so that's positive. I can go places by myself and stuff and she said that was really good. Obviously I have to for work but also I go other places by myself. At least I did before Covid. Sigh. Covid. Ugh. We have another appointment on the 28th. We were going to meet on the 25th but I forgot I am going to be out of town then. So we are going to meet on the 28th. Via Zoom of course. She got the card I sent her for New Years. I sent it to her office because that is the only address I have. But she did go to her office so she got it. That's nice. I feel like crap about relapsing with self harm but I held out for about a week with some pretty severe urges and I almost made 4 months. So that's good I guess. Not where I want to be but it happens. I like my T so far. She seems really nice.

I am.. The energizer bunny.

But I need rest.

I rested in the car on the way down from the hill. I enjoyed skiing - I'll go again tomorrow. I just think existentially about reality, my reality, New World Order, very strange possibilities about what happens next.. And scared of eternity - My mom is just in her own world, happy, loving nature - It's good..

I read on the tablet/phone on the way up to the hill. 60mg of Vyvanse doesn't do anything in the morning - I might as well not take it.

I'll make a coffee now at 4pm and sleep at 12-1am.

Thank you so much, @Desoxyn, for the update! I wish I could be there. It sounds wonderful, definitely a nice break from the usual reality. And I'm happy for your mom. I love nature that way, too. Keep having fun up on the hill!

Yeah I am a relatively low dose. Just 1.5 mg.

I hate tapering. Full stop. Ha.

Also, yeah, you're right about this. It is tolerable.

So my dad mailed me my mom’s old iPad.....still newer than mine. Unfortunately the way Apple is I basically need to wipe her data to use it. I kinda wish I could have saved it although I did share all the pics.

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Quiet day at work today. It literally took me 5 minutes to get through what was on my desk. Depending on what comes on my desk depends how busy I will be today but I have a feeling I am not going to be too busy. Ugh. I should have called out and spent the day watching Brit Box!

Feeling a bit better today than I was yesterday. I'm just bored today. At least I am not feeling sad and a bunch of other stuff like yesterday. No voices either. That's good!

I've been depressed since I woke up this morning, but I seem to be lifting myself up a bit. I've had some coffee & started to play some games here, & I've been talking to myself in an encouraging way.

HUGS @Breaking Dawn

I'm glad to hear you're doing better, @SlumberKitty.

Glad you’re feeling better....what fun things can you do at work discretely?

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well yet again ive been directly exposed to covid. if i get covid again im gonna freak out. i had pnuemonia last summer, then got covid delta variant in sept- i ended up having to get antibody infusions bc i was so high risk from recent pnuemonia. now 3-5 people have covid and ive worked with all of them. they seem pretty nonchalant about covid in general. makes me wonder if theyre the type that calls it "just a cold". i made sure they heard about my experiences with it last year so they knew that i took this seriously. but yeah in my area all covid tests are sold out, you cant get any appts for testing, most of the urgent cares have shut down bc of no staff. if i get covid again- idk what ill do. cuz i wont get paid for days missed again.

Scary.....hope everything works out and your immunity is still strong.

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After 4 hours of surfing the net, I called my boss and asked if I could leave early. So I am taking 4 hours of personal time and get to go be bored at home. But Dad and I are going to do lunch so that's good. Whatcha up to today?

Just had a T appointment talking about new jobs and driving issues. Also playing on my new to me iPad.

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Good day skiing again =]

The weed and conspiracy psychosis is gone.. But I need dopamine.

U don't understand JDNA.. Well, maybe you do..

I want to be insane.. I like it.. Well not really, - I want to be somewhat manic. And they are similar. The suicidal/homicidal stuff and severe panic attacks are no good though.

But I try to handle as much information (Even if it's insane information) as I can - Because I've been explaining my story for years here.... It's that I need to catch up.

But it gets through no eyes, so I stare into the void.

I know where to draw the line of enough that I've had.. And when to stop and take a break, watch videos of dogs mothering baby kittens

I am pretty good today. Had a pretty easy day at work today. That is good.

Officially going off of Klonopin starting tomorrow.

I just assembled an office chair I bought.

I was waiting a few days.. I went ~10 days without alcohol. I took a double shot, felt a sort of depression. I'll go longer without, likely.

Tomorrow will be a good day - Then the next day, I work.

But I'll get up and contemplate.. all of the things I should do, make coffee.

I just hate how it's so dark outside all of the time.