Roll Call 190

It's so interesting that I wrote for an hour about it lol.. I got carried away.. But it's just unfinished paragraph scribbles that I will build on - When things make sense, I'll let you guys see. But I must sleep for work in the morning.

I just ordered my kitty some new toys, she loves these type of toys, she had one like this before but all the feathers are off it now from her playing with it so much, this is cool because it comes with a bunch of feather things and those worm things you can connect to it

Once again, I want a cat so bad! One lives at my house but it's my roommate's. I want my own.

I hope you're able to get one someday! They're the best company

I have a someday cat in my mind, Mitten, gray & white.

I went ahead and ordered these collars for Stash. I think purple will look good on her. Next December when it’s Christmas time again I’ll get her some red and green bow collars. She’s gonna have style lol

Pretty collars, Blue_Bird. I love purple.

Feeling Empty? Here'''s What It Could Mean and How To Stop It

I managed to read a bit more of "Man's Search for Meaning". I microdosed so feeling a bit anxious, can't read a full paragraph without daydreaming.

That's a good book, I read it a few months ago

I think I need modafinil again.

Sleepy???

How long does modafinil last for you?

I feel depressed and sleepy, yeah.

Usually, it lasts all day. Unfortunately I threw it away, stupidly. So, I'll need to make my psychiatrist angry and request a new prescription.

That's 100% OK. Don't be hard on yourself for the indecisiveness. Find what works and what doesn't with small steps day by day and you'll be better.

Your psychiatrist shouldn't be angry. I mean, I messed up incredibly bad - I emptied my Prozac pills and filled them with U-47700 for example.



We must be redeemed and have help to make life better.. We have to learn lessons.. to continue..

I found this cute scratching post I'm gonna get for Stash

I made a few "List of things to do every day";

Read for 20 minutes before bed every night
Practice meditation for 10 minutes every day
Practice gratitude/Contribute to writing in "Gratitude Journal".
Make a balance between not procrastinating, habits and creativity
Get along with myself - Try to be my own friend
Take time to remember yesterday

I spent 5 minutes writing some things that I'm grateful for (I have a good life rn) - I'm going to try and add to it every day;

My own room
A place that is safe and supportive
Unconditional love from my parents and the rest of my family
My computer and phone
Good cognition in most areas (Able to understand things easily and quickly and good decision making)
Personal freedom/potential time to work on/learn about myself, realize dreams in life and accomplish them
Perfect medication combination
Comfortable work schedule
Music appreciation
Living in a national park and not in isolation anymore
Discovered spirituality
Financially stable
Healed from dissociative panic attacks and psychosis
My motivation, focus and novelty seeking
Physically healthy
Having perfect sleep every night
Having clothes and a washing machine and drier to change them every day
Healthy food/Thankful that my mom cooks and teaches me how
Clean bottled water
Ability to be comfortable and read
Being enlightened, ability to love and understand the world
My sense of humour
Nature and exercise
My creativity, entertaining philosophical ideas and expanded consciousness
Awareness of self/the world

Any criticisms are welcome

And my cat!..

What if I can’t never be a professional artist. What if no one buys my painting. I’m losing my confidence. Maybe I’m just tired. I woke up, did chores, suddenly it’s night. I need to get my schedule fixed

Absolutely!!!

Professional artist? !! You know the paradox - Art is a beautiful thing - It can objectively change the whole world or subjectively matter to one person (Or just yourself) - And that often is what can really matter =] And artists are the hardest on themselves to death, second to infp..

I'd like to draw or paint - But I want to do something that I will commit to. Guitar, everything.. I do often feel a need to express things. People can hurt us - The world is cold.. But it's true, you are likely tired ^-

I hope you feel better soon friend. You deserve to be confident - But also know that it takes cultivating of esteem day by day. Like harvesting corn..

I remember when you first started painting.. and now time has passed.. I can't believe how things flash before my eyes. Progress is made, amazingly..

But yeah I get the thing where success happens from doing what you love - And the chance that it's not 100% guaranteed is life - But we must try.. I believe in you!

Yeah I want to make a living with my paintings one day. But the more I know about the techniques the more mistakes I see on my painting and it shakes my confidence. But you’re right, it takes time and practice, Thanks for the support, I’ll sleep and hopefully wake up feeling better

Last day of work tomorrow and then I have that out of the way and then can look forward to skiing.

I have to play a lot of mind tricks on myself - Like a lot of cognitive distortions? Or something.. They work like casting spells on myself. Every time I have a bad thought, I breathe in deeply and focus on my breath. Especially if I remember that I had DP/DR - I try not to think about it. Or the fact that I took the vaccine, possibly no future, sudden death from anything, justifying feelings.. idk. I'm very not well put together to make sense of my actions. It's very out of alignment.

But my mood has lifted since this evening. Tomorrow should be good.

it snowed 12" over night

I mourn with my family from other dimensions that I have sudden death in.

We’ve only started getting the flakes ❄️