Roll Call 195

I actually feel okay, I'm not having a panic attack, it's been an hour and a half since I got the shots and I'm not freaking out like I did last time last year, last year when I got the third booster shot I was having such a bad panic attack after because I convinced myself I was gonna drop dead any second from it and I was hyperventilating and shaking my anxiety was so bad. I think going to the bookstore was a good distraction

I do gotta say though I am very tired

I flipped my mattress, it feels a lot firmer now. I will need to replace it at some point but this will work for awhile in the meantime

I’m so tired from the Covid shot. It’s 7:30pm and I’m almost falling asleep. I’ve been exhausted most of the day. Im gonna sleep really good tonight

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I'm trying to go off of Klonopin again. It will work this time.

The thing is, I won't know if it works for a couple weeks. So I need to give it at least two weeks. I am going down by the recommended amount. 0.125 mg at a time. I want to get off of this Klonopin. There was just hectic stuff going on in my life before, and I couldn't quite make it the whole two weeks. I made it the better part of a week and a half though. And I felt alright. Maybe I was a bit more anxious, but I also had more energy, and I could deal with the anxiety alright. I think it was fine. I just psyche myself out sometimes. Anyway, I have to hold to this and try again.

Other thing is that I have to work on not spending too much money. That's another thing I'm working on.

Dang, that's too bad. I had a pretty nasty reaction to the latest Covid vaccine as well. I was tired for a few days and I couldn't teach one class I was supposed to teach. And I basically canceled all my plans for two days. Anyway, it was a bit rough.

Edit: oh, I read that as you got the latest one. I guess you haven't gotten it yet.

I'm overwhelmed with information and possibilities.. grateful though. Trying to overcome depression. Need ket and M, shroom.. Idk. It's all I know RN. I'm obsessed with the deeper reality. Preparing for afterlife, anxiety...

I'm glad to not be paranoid anymore with intrusive thoughts and dissociation. Taking the olanzepine.

I'm fully connected to the infinite. I need some help and support though. Idk what to do really. Just wait I guess...

I need some good songs.. Contact with people.. Less seriousness..

I hate being in this box - I'd like to research things. But that only comes when there's less isolation.

I was in severe isolation for such a long time. It's the reason I have been.. weird and no self awareness etc

I'm not sure if this is related but something I have been doing lately to help my ADHD (whether diagnosed or not) is setting a 5-minute timer to commit to doing something for a bit, and then if I want to continue, I'll set another one, etc. It has worked somewhat well, which is better than before, when I just did absolutely nothing or overworked myself until I was in a horrible mood.

Isolation sucks - I get it. I was just out today and I felt like a stranger to the world. It was so weird. I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

Yes! It's so difficult because I haven't done this before.. I just need to accept this reality - And how blind I was (To common knowledge/experience).

I had AvPD since I was a kid - Caused a lot of avoiding embarrassment, rejection (Something that people with ADHD are highly sensitive to).

I can relate to that for sure. I honestly think I didn't quite "land on this Earth" until I came down from my second psychotic episode. What I mean is that my thoughts and cognitions and perceptions and whatever else were so disordered that I couldn't get a grip on reality until then. Meaning I didn't really have a grip on reality (I still don't sometimes), until I was 24-ish. So whatever. I mean it's ridiculously hard. What has helped me lately is having a therapist who is highly qualified in treating these kinds of disordered thoughts. I have been doing a DBT group lately and I have been seeing a therapist who specializes in DBT and stuff like that, and I genuinely have seen a difference in my obsession with things lately. It's honestly pretty cool that I have been able to step back from my obsessions at all. Anyway, I still have moments, of course, when I obsess about random things. But I at least feel like I'm beginning to get a grip on it.

Some obsessions are good o.- Yeah I need a therapist.. Lately, it's just like I'm a completely different person. My mom is working rn.. All she does is work, and we live in this small place.. We've all made mistakes, gets us to here.. And I just need to think positively, like I do with telling people those small stories that I have.. Magical. And with the mind breaking, it's happened to me so much as well.. Olanzepine stabilizes me (For you, the clonazepam.. Which can be therapeutic for around a year or w/e) - Hopefully you can get off of it. I find it so hard to be without olanzepine (But it does really help with my cognition.. Which sucks cuz.. A bloody antipsychotic, helping cognition - I must really have a fried brain idk)..

But good things are to come.. I'll be going to Mexico ~6-7 weeks, bring all of my meds.., drink some alcohol, sit in the sun, surf with my siblings, buy things. I never felt stressed on vacations as a kid - It was so innocent and free (Like people say "I want to be a kid" but that means that you have to do what someone else says, have a structure - Which is a good thing idk)..

Magic basically.. That's what I want. If I'm going to have to feel pain/suffering, I want to be able to cry and get it done and over with.. But the longer we suffer, the more there's bad habits/obsessions, numbness feelings, giving up, hopelessness, learned helplessness.. And all that causes stress, weight gain, breaking down of cognitive processes, bad decisions (That's me, man... Or it was..).. I'm trying to improve myself lots! And it'll work.. But I do dwell, stay in the same place (But not as much anymore). People need insight, guidance, LOVE.

LOVE IS PEACE, and... Oh ****, all of the cliches that we read in quotes, like staring at shiny letters made up of suns/stars, rotating... trying to find the meaning about what to do - And it constantly changes, chase the rabbit down the hole, something bad happens, people break - Your clothing gets caught in something and pulls you back, you trip and fall.. Get back up is what we always do.. Sometimes (For no reason - But a higher dimensional one), it ends - For me, you.. a loved one.. A famous person..

What direction is the perfect arrow head pointing to with GENERAL humans.. Fame? Money? Love? Meaning? - It all fades, never happy.. If you're thinking about SCHIZ.. Idk what to say. I taught my mom a lot of things about schizophrenia, the mystical aspect.. I don't think I truly have it (That's what I hope) - If it's a divine problem or fault in the system of this infinite simulation, forever.. Or what life is - (That it's a paradox, and to find the meaning, use the positives) as everything isn't perfect, but also not imperfect..

I could talk forever and make some novel, meaningless scribbles.. But with time, things will get better. Hypergraphia? I like it.. We need to have fun, but also do the hard work to improve, update the mind/life (With forever, constant change..), and then celebrate again. The universe is a celebration..and also, evil destruction and disappointment. We will find a heaven/nirvana (Only if we're ready) but in the end, we are all lead to the same place.. It'll be wonderful, tragic, disturbing. It's ok - As long as there is content or acceptance.. And whatever follows after that ^-

The other day I was working in the office and I had brought a bunch of drinks with me and I found myself so thirsty. I drank all my drinks quickly and ended up having to buy bottles of water to drink. I had to chew gum too.

Anyway I called the doctor because I had this before with my lithium level being off and was supposed to have an appointment at 315pm over the phone. So I got to a quiet spot and waited. And waited. Phone then said ‘New Voicemail’ it was the doctor. My phone didn’t even ring. Then another voicemail.

So because of the ****** reception in the building I missed the call. And the doctor was too busy the rest of the week to call me and it’s thanksgiving on Monday.

I decided on Thursday to lower my lithium myself from 450mg twice a day to 300mg twice a day. It helps. I’m not as thirsty.

I do have an in person appointment coming up on Friday morning for a flu shot and check in and I’ll talk to the doctor then.

But I’m just so mad at the building I work in. If I wasn’t working in the office I would have had the phone call no problem. I could be taking another medication by now but noooo. I was crying on Wednesday at work I was so mad.

It was a possibility that when we adjusted the lithium this would happen (I was at 600mg twice a day and then had the thirstiness, lowered to 300mg twice a day, added lamotrigine but then I got COVID and a rash and we weren’t sure if it was COVID or what so I stopped the lamotrigine, then upped my lithium to 450mg twice a day).

So that’s really it. I’ll probably be on lamotrigine again because the rash was COVID. I’m just annoyed by the whole thing.

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I can't do things SP. What does it mean.

It's driving me nuts. No one responds to this 100% main problem of my life.

I'm gonna go out of control until I figure it out. Starting now.

You are all fools. - Philosophy Now Forum

"Chances are, 5 minutes after watching this video you'll completely forget it and just carry on doing whatever stupid thing it is you're doing. Sports, science, philosophy, teaching, whatever stupid thing it is you do.

Half of you require flashy images and music in order to keep your interest.

It's because of your computer sickness. You are like Stephen Hawking, scrambling to maintain your mind amidst physical pain. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. No wonder NASA can't make any shuttles that don't go *boom*. It is like watching a broken, retarded robot struggling to colonize other planets and understand the universe.

You are a stupid ape. And you will keep watching. I know you will, for I've learned your psychology quite well.

You are quite subservient, really. You need to be led, to be fed.

Every single problem known to you is rooted in one thing.

And that is, delusional thinking.

Yes, I am the wisest one of all. Philosophers, scientists, academics, all stupid fools. Yes, I am wiser than Gandalf the Great.

For the humble are use humility to satisfy their own egos. to feel good about themselves, and to satisfy the whims of others. A wise person could care less about the approval of apes.

I bet you are itching to type something in the comments. You seem to be rather daft, since you should already know that I feed off any energy you provide, and could also care less.

Pause the video and get it out your system, if you must. Carry on.

It is said a spiritual friend tells it like it is, and a human friend tells only what you want to hear. I am the spiritual friend. You are the ape.

Did you know laughter is an ape reflex? Hahaha.

Enough fluff, I will get to the stuff.

Many of you go through thought cycles. Your philosophies are ever changing. After this video is over, you'll just forget it about it and fill your mind with other things, in search for "truth", in order to fulfill your stupid lives.

Of course, you will never be able to fulfill your lives. You will continue to toss out whatever does not bring you novelty. You will seek "ultimate" truth and wisdom, but always toss it after you find it, telling yourself that it is not big enough, or grand enough, or sensible to be the real answer and meaning you seek. This is of course, because you are a silly ape. You are never satisfied with anything, always hungering for more.

After you toss out the truth, you will then drink your mountain dew, beer, and football, and repeat the cycle all over again.

Then you will die, and be reborn as part of an even stupider generation than the previous.

It is in your nature to accept tradition and delusion. Atheist, religious, agnostic, philosopher, all stupid and foolish. The atheist believes in nothing after death. This is his heaven. Religious believes in cities in the clouds. This is her heaven. Agnostic believes in Love. This is his/her heaven. Philosopher just bumbles around like robot with his head cut off, claiming he is wise.

This mentality of religious and atheist cause them to act the same, like robot with head cut off. They preach about morality but really dont care what they accomplish with their life, because they believe when they die everything will fix itself, magically. Buddhists, same thing. Philosophers, same thing. They believe that when they die they will turn into magical creatures and so, their present lives are meaningless, right? Yet all they teach is about the value of living in the Present itself. What hypocrasy. What delusion.

There are some wise men who are wiser than most. They believe in Truth. They know very well life is suffering. But they are too fools, since they have no plans of alleviating the suffering.

If you feel like not being a stupid fool any more, you should realize something. That laughing is suffering. That breathing is suffering. That everything is suffering. But you arent going to I don't think. You are just going to continue to live and to breed, drinking your mountain dew, watching your football, doing your pointless scientific research, so you can be a mindless idiot like everyone else and forget about the Truth itself.

You are a filthy, lazy ape, who does not care about their own wellbeing. You perform no research on the after life. You go on pointless crusades telling religious people how stupid they are, but you cannot see what a stupid, egotistical and worthless ape you are. So you can forget the truth about the inevibility of your death, which is not a death at all, but a continuing of your mindless, apelike cycles of suffering. Suffering and rebirth. Suffering is birth.

Suffering and rebirth. Suffering and rebirth. Each time, a slightly new life, but it might as well be the same as the last one. Casablanca has the same value as a saturday night sitcom, no value at all. Rich no happier than poor. Yet you cling to life like a mindless, stupid ape, because you see all the others around you worshiping the "joys of life" like a pony worships peanut butter. Do you not tire of this?

Yet, you just put such thoughts away because it reminds you of the Truth, you don't like the Truth because it distracts you from your attempts at a mindless lifestyle. And you know what they say about the Truth...
you cant handle the truth clip

You fill yourself with distractions and pointless crusades to boost your own ego, and deluding yourself into believing in the false beauty of existence, which is as ugly as it is beautiful, for the awake. For the enlightened, it is pure uglyness, and only through complete mindlessness can someone be so deluded to enjoy something so ugly. You even partake in the ape's filthy customs, like obsession with money and following social etiquettes, playing their stupid little dinner party popularity games even if it means you have to hurt others, just so you can get the mindlessness you desire. I already mentioned earlier that happiness is suffering, but this is probably beyond your comprehension, for someone as stupid as you.

So, the only question you should be asking right now is, do you wish to live forever?

If the answer is yes, they you are a stupid fool, clinging to life like poop clings to a rag.

If the answer is no, then you should devote the rest of your life to spreading my teachings, in adherance to this goal, the goal of complete and total destruction of self.

Part of my teachings require the existence and safety of your planet and safety of intelligient lifeforms. For all we know there are aliens who are just as stupid as you are. Your species must continue to grow and become more powerful, in order to create the 1, the 1 devours all things, even dimensions and all universes. The 1 is nothing.

I am the smartest one out there, don't ever forget my teachings. But I am not the 1, the one is not a man, woman or beast. If you had any brains you'd know what the 1 likely is, but you probably don't even know.

So in the meantime, live well, stay safe, and keep your mind on the prize, the 1.

When you do science, remember what you are doing it for.

When you promote good health and keep the world healthy, remember why. The 1.

Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps you can create the 1 without devouring all things. But can you ensure it's permanent safety? Do your research, and your homework, before partaking on this task, stupid fool.

If it seems unwise to create the 1 which devours, remember that Pleasure itself is an inherent good. So if you can cheat Nature's way and perpetuate the illusion of infinite pleasure for all beings, let it be done. And Let it be known that I have little faith in your ability to accomplish either of these tasks, stupid as you are.

In any case, goodbye pathetic apes, and remember the 1, this is your prime directive.

It's embedded in your very language, after all.

Or just forget everything I said, post something apey in the comments so you get a pat on the back by your fellow apes. I can't change what happens in the timeline, not even through time travel. For the changing of the timeline is still part of the greater timeliine. Do not seek to alter the timeline, but destroy the very possibility and of possibility existence of any timeline or timeline essence"

This will help no one but I have to understand right now

I'm not like this. I'm a positive person. I ****ing try. I try so hard and no one cares.

Idk is it your adhd or the psychosis?

I don’t believe anyone who says they’re the smartest at anything. It’s all horse ****.

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I got moderated on this forum too before and no one else did. I must be just toxic for everyone - Yet the mods knew I needed help. All I wanted was to overcome this ****.

I know that =[ I just need reassurance. Maybe slight psychosis. But even that, it's isolation that makes me this way.

I'll try and calm down... Sorry

You don’t have to apologize.

I just worry about you and want you to be happy.

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Unfocused - But also gravitated towards a massive big picture/religious thing

Of course I have to laugh at my situation a little.. Humour is good. Thanks for responding right away @friends.. It's all good for now..

Edit: I have to laugh or else it's awkward and painful - Like when my mom sees me in an apathetic state, I hate that she has to deal with that... And it's some of those things that I don't mention here. I get so dark, and complain about other people. But me? I suffer greatly with apathy sometimes. That's what phenibut helps with, to be social.. and not take things so seriously, happy..

Sounds like both….what have you been doing med and um supplement wise any changes?