Roll Call 195

I had a lot of fun with my friend today. We watched one of the newer Power Ranger movies which was really good. Then we played the Pokémon TCG for awhile, I won. Though I’m still learning the game so he did go somewhat easy on me. It was fun though, and I learned a lot.

He gave me his whole Descent board game/miniature set because he has the newest version and didn’t need that one. So now I have that and plan on learning all the lore and playing it.

Sorry, I know this stuff is probably boring to you all. I just really like trading card games, board games, RPGs, strategy, etc. I find them a lot of fun.

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I'm glad. At least people aren't indifferent lol

Have an inspection tomorrow. Always get worried and nervous about these things. Hopefully it will be okay, it always is but I still always get super nervous

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Hope it goes well!

A little less motivated today - But it's still good. I'll try and get on with the mindfulness, finding books and listen to a podcast.. Basically what's on my mind.

3 weeks without weed. No alcohol yesterday or today. I'll keep it that way.

I feel better today. If my ‘friends’ want to act this way and ignore me whatever. We’re not friends. I told them they can defriend me if they want but no one has replied.

It sucks but I’m not going to dwell on it. Moving on with my life. I have my mom, my sister, and my dog. And you guys. And all my other online friends. I’m good.

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Was Agmatine one of the chems you've mentioned @SP?

It seems really good, does something with NMDA receptors.



"Agmatine sulfate also appears to interact with NMDA glutamate receptors. Once these receptors are activated, they allow positively charged ions to flow through cell membranes. NMDA receptors are also one of the key glutamate receptors involved in regulating memory functions and synaptic plasticity. Synaptic plasticity is important for the ability of signals between nerves to strengthen or weaken over time. A healthy level of synaptic plasticity means signals are more effectively communicated between neurons."

No nvm - Some people say it gives them sui thoughts/feel numb

Thanks DownandLonely

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I’m not feeling good today, feeling extremely anxious and just had a really bad panic attack because I feel like the police are out to get me. I used to have this problem when I was like 18.

I get this bizarre belief in my mind that they’re coming after me to arrest me and frame me for some awful thing I didn’t do.

I took 1 and a half klonopin and hoping that helps

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Never heard of it but nmda Stimulation can cause issues it can be Neuro toxic….I wouldn’t go there

Every time I hear a police siren which is frequently, like at least every 20 minutes or so in this neighborhood my heart rate goes up and I start panicking and thinking they’re coming for me

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I’m feeling better now. The klonopin kicked in and I’m less panicky. I feel calmer. I’m just gonna relax and maybe play a videogame for awhile. I’m not sure if I’m going to sleep tonight. I don’t want to have bad dreams

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Idk what book to read..

I was resting for an hour (Open awareness), good thought stream was happening.. My cognition is much better.

+ Hugs BB.. Clonazepam is great for panic. I used to be paranoid of helicopters during akathisia when I was knocking myself out with risperidone.

There's got to be some kind of randomizer online that can be used. Like put a list of books in and it automatically randomly picks one out of the bunch and makes the decision for you. I use something like that sometimes for videogames because I have a lot and am sometimes not sure what to play next. I should try to find something like that for myself because I have trouble deciding what books to read. I have so many, I start too many at once because I want to read them ALL and then I get overwhelmed.

Not sure if you struggle with indecisiveness but I do and that's something that can help.

Yeah helicopters and planes flying by make me really anxious too. It used to be really bad where I would have to throw on headphones and turn music on really loud so I could block out the noise otherwise I would start having a panic attack and thinking it's some kind of attack. Maybe it because I'm from NY (2 1/2 hours away from NYC) I know a lot of adults were really worried that day when the twin towers were attacked. I was in 1st or 2nd grade then but the teachers stopped in the middle of class and turned the news on the tv in the classroom. And now with the worldwide events it just makes me nervous every time a plane flies over and that happens often because there's a military base not too far from here.

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I'm volunteering on Thursday. Really scared about going back. I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack again. I hope it goes okay. I'm not backing out now because I signed up for 3 more shifts so I'm going to do them. One on this coming Thursday, one on the following Monday the 19th, and one on whatever day the 27th is.

I know ultimately it's good for me.

My therapist said maybe if I start panicking during it I can try to think about/focus on the good I'm doing helping people have a meal to eat, and try to feel good about that. Take breaths. Look around the room. Force myself to not retreat inside my mind and inside my panic because that usually makes it worse.

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They're friends, and their are loyal friends. The latter are rare. Friends wouldn't think twice about complaining about you, and gossiping, some might even call you names behind your back, if they were ******, if someone stuck a piece of paper on your back that aid stupid, they might not say anything.

A loyal friend would take it off and let you know, even stick up for you. One loyal friend is better than a classroom of "friends". Someone just pulled something like this on me, and a loyal friend call him out for it and called him toxic. The other guy acts nice to me, and calls me a friend, but crossed an almost unforgivable line for me.

A couple loyal friends is all you really need in life, that and family, if they are a good family.

I found a site that is similar to what you're talking about (But for music) - You'd type in 3x different bands/artists and it would generate something similar to those. It was actually good (I lost it though).

I do have the same indecisiveness with books (Except I don't read books as much) - But as from what SP said, I'll keep trying. Today has been good cuz I'm just LOOKING, becoming interested again. Slow, steady process.

Sometimes I hear the train (Near me) through my window and I imagine that it's a plane flying into town.. I feel it, imagine.. "What if it really happens" - It's incredibly unlikely that if it does, it's so quick that within a blink, I'm in a new dimension/universe. And so.. Just becoming accustomed to the fear, it goes away.

Dissociative/panicky thoughts can be scary though.. I remember during complete full blown panic attacks (2018-2020), I'd listen to guided meditation.. and I just wouldn't calm down. An hour would go by, I'd take another lorazepam... It sucks bad. As long as you aren't tolerant to the benzo, it's okay. Good thing they exist.. really effective as chill pills

Chamomile is great too for generalized anxiety/to relax.

"Apigenin (Figure 2(a)) is a common flavonoid found in a range of plants, including chamomile (Matricaria recutita). The traditional use of chamomile tea as a treatment for insomnia and anxiety led to investigations of its active constituents, including apigenin. Apigenin was found to have anxiolytic properties, and it competitively inhibited the binding of flunitrazepam to brain membranes without influencing the binding of muscimol to GABAA receptors."



"Some studies have shown that Matricaria recutita (M. recutita) have sedative effect on pain, anxiety and morphine withdrawal syndrome (MWS). Since some investigations have indicated the sedative effects of benzodiazepines in MWS, so the inhibitory factor of M. recutita may be related to some of its benzodiazepine-like components."

The olanzepine and atenolol that I forgot to take will quell my normal/hit and miss nighttime mania unfortunately, I must stick to a normal sleep schedule.

I'll let my psychiatrist know about this strange series of happenings on Friday.