Roll Call 197

I feel okay. I had frittata for brunch today. And I went out to a restaurant with my mom and sister.

Ordered the following: chorizo spinach cheese dip and chips (shared), mussels with sriracha cream sauce with fries (shared). I had steak with mushroom cream sauce veggies and fries (couldn’t finish all the fries - will have them for lunch tomorrow). My sister got a braised lamb shank with veggies and mushroom risotto. My mom got a tuna poke bowl.

It was a lot of food. And I had a couple drinks. The whole bill came to around $230. It was a special treat. Don’t do that very often.

And I feel okay with the amount of food I ate. It was worth it I think. I wasn’t going to let myself panic and just get a little ****** salad. I let myself enjoy myself. I need to do that more.

I’m trying. But it’s hard to be comfortable.

Anyway, I can include one picture so I’ll include the picture of my steak.



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I'll take an NAC pill tomorrow, 1000mg once a day.

Might risk pulmonary hypertension.. Few weeks I'll see what it does. No ket.

Just cuz I was so calm and focused this morning after a good sleep - I want to be that way all of the time.. No more OCD, depression, agitated mania..

Less glutamate, more dopamine. I could combine it with Ashwagandha too.

Appointment with potential new T went okay. It was an intake so you know, I didn't get a good sense of her. She does have these really loud birds in the background that were kind of distracting. I don't know what to think of that. I hope they aren't like that every session. They are really loud. Apparently they were even in their outside cages. But they were definitely audible. It took me a bit to figure out what the noise was and then maybe 10-15 minutes later she asked me if I could hear them. I said that I could. She said she has never worked with anyone with Schizoaffective disorder before so she spent some time reading up on it over the weekend but she said most of what I want her help with is more like "life stuff" with a little bit of schizoaffective stuff in there. I sent her quite a few goals so she asked me to prioritize which ones I would like to work on first. So I picked two. I think those two would help significantly with my overall health and well being.

I wish that I had gotten more of a "warm" sense from her. She seemed professional-ish but not distant. She told me about her birds and that she is separated and also that she has grandkids. Or at least a granddaughter. My next appointment isn't until 3/1 which feels really far away. I'm trying not to stress out. I had panic attacks last night. I was having visual hallucinations but they were attacking me. I don't know if I want to tell her that because she might think I am crazy. Maybe I am. I don't know.

I have such a bad migraine right now, feel nauseus too, on the verge of throwing up. I took ibuprofen, am hoping that helps at some point. I felt fine when I woke up today, I did oversleep by a LOT though. I didn't wake up till 10:30 and I'm always up by 7am or earlier. Overlseeping triggers really bad migraines for me. It just hit me right after I got off the bus coming home from grocery shopping an hour ago. I have all the lights turned off except one, I'm hoping it goes away soon

I'm so sorry about the bad migraine you have now Blue_Bird! I hope it goes away quickly and that you feel better soon. I get migraines too. They suck. Did you put a cold cloth or ice pack on your head? Sometimes that helps me. HUGS Kit

Thanks SK, I'm glad you had mostly good appointment with the new T, I hope things go well and that you're able to keep seeing her. I have a ziplock bag filled with ice cubes that I keep in the freezer. I usually keep it there in case I have a severe panic attack or dissociation and need to kind of ground myself, the cold helps. But yeah I was thinking about using it now for the migraine, thanks for reminding me

The girls today lol

Your kitty cats are so cute, Blue_Bird. Thanks for sharing the picture!

Such strange feelings today

3 ibuprofen and 3 coffees later my migraine is finally going away.

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Feeling much better. I won't think.. I'll just do.. That's what I'll do from now on..

I walked around Wall-Mart, and wasn't afraid of the weird people, staring at me..

I aked the pharmacist questions about serotonergic medications, and why they cause heart palps.. That I can't accept it, and the mechanisms of why that happens, he just stared at me for a bit - I said.. "I overdosed on psilocybin in 2016" - Before that, there was less heart palps.. He said, "Seroquel is off label as a sleep med" - And I said, "I was diagnosed schiz so it's okay". He agreed that ADHD meds exacerbate the symptoms with serotonin meds....

I didn't have time to ask about the NAC ventricle vibrations.. I told my mom "I'm okay with dying - Life is just too difficult" - She said "Don't say that.. I need you", I said, "But what if I die within 24 hours? Should I take a benzo?" and she said yes, so I did.. I feel quite better.. not as severe...

I will update more nonsense later. I have to read (Without giving a single F about my life orientation - Cuz it never works, to figure things out).

Went to the coffee social today, it was good to socialize a bit because I've been pretty isolated the previous 4 or 5 days

Got what I needed at the grocery store today. Thursday I have an appointment with my therapist. This is the first time we've gone 4 weeks between appointments instead of 3 (sometimes it was 2 weeks when I was really struggling). I think I've managed pretty well. I've had some times I've struggled a bit over the past several weeks but I've been able to use coping skills effectively, exercising, meditating, yoga, doing household chores (sometimes doing things like the dishes and cleaning helps calm my anxiety), doing my hobbies such as Ukulele, etc I've managed to not have a total breakdown , that I typically have, over the fact that there's an inspection soon during this month. They just choose random apartments like every 6 months to inspect, so mine may or may not be inspected, but either way it's fine, it's not the end of the world.

I have an OBGYN appointment next monday. Anxious about it, it's just for a pap exam. I get so nervous about them, I haven't had one in 5 years or more due to that. But I'm going to go and get it done and over with.

Anyway, it's been a good few days. My mood is really good. I can always tell when it's really good because music sounds extra amazing. And I'm looking forward to each day

Oh the final season of Pokemon with Ash Ketchum as the protganist is coming to Netflix on Friday. It's been like 20 years with him as the main protaganist and the story of him trying to become a Pokemon Master. So he will finally achieve that and then they're doing another anime with a different protaganist. I've been watching the Pokemon anime since I was 5 years old and am 28 now

I'm going to stop the trazodone, I'm sleeping too much on it. I think I'm gonna see if I can sleep without it, because I've been getting up later and later everyday and I hate it. I love getting up at 5 or 6am which is my usual time but my wake up time has creeped up to 9am and then today it jumped to 10:30am which is crazy for me, I don't like starting my day so late. I go to bed around 9 or 10pm every night.

Glad you're doing better Desoxyn

I only get heart palps very rarely but when I do it's scary so I understand why you are upset about them

Got up at 4am. Cleaned apartment, did laundry, walked to the store to buy cat litter, did some exercise (weights, squats with resistance bands) about to get on the treadmill for 30 min then I’ll do yoga later in the late afternoon.

I don’t really feel like getting on the treadmill to be honest. But I’ll just push myself to just do it when then it will be over with , it’s almost 10:30am now, gonna get on in a few minutes from now.

Update: did the 30 minutes on the treadmill

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I was able to get an appointment today with my therapist since my anxiety and panic attacks have been really bad. I am afraid she is going to think I am crazy. But can't control what other's think, right? I hope she can help because the anxiety and panic is really getting to me. I am trying to deal with it with as much coping mechanisms as I have but it's really hard.

Anyone ever think that their hallucinations (visual) are going to harm them?

My visual hallucinations were mostly hypnotic (Like with narcolepsy - Probably from antipsychotic sedation). I was in a pretty good mood with auditory hallucinations too (Mostly hypnotic as well).

How is your cognition? Is your mood good? Or are you in an anxious/on edge mental state..

OCD turned into paranoid psychosis for me (Hearing name being called, dysphoric voices telling me disturbing things), which is what I mainly had (Especially on Abilify + Bad ADHD), until the trip... then it was delusional psychosis and DPDR.

Hugs though.. Hopefully the Vyvanse is working well for you, cuz for me.. I respond very well to stimulants.. Doesn't make anything worse. But if I lower the Invega or olanzepine, I get cognitive impairment, agitation, etc.

I was never the type to get visual hallucinations while fully awake (Apart from delirium after a clonazepam overdose - 10 different people were in my room).

I'm not sure what a visual hallucination is even like (While being sober/awake). Even with psychedelics.. It was just geometry and colours.

Thanks Desoxyn, I get hallucinations of people, generally. Other things sometimes. Some of them are benign (unless I am paranoid and then I ascribe things to them that may or may not be true...like they are judging me, or watching me etc.) but some of them are downright scary. Like they have weapons and I think they are going to hurt me.

I've been in a very anxious state. Getting lots of panic attacks. 5 to 6 a day. Plus really intense anxiety. I reached out to my pdoc today via the portal and asked him if there is something for anxiety that can be taken like all the time, not a PRN. Because I cannot handle these panic attacks. They are too much. My focus is crap but I think my cognition is okay. Maybe I don't make a lot of sense. I try though.

Thanks for your response. HUGS kit

My pdoc didn't like the idea of Abilify which is what my newish T recommended but he said we can switch from alprazolam to diazepam. It lasts longer in your system I guess. He also said I am probably taking it too late, when I am already very anxious thus causing me much more distress and effort trying to get back to baseline. I really hope this helps the anxiety because, I cannot handle having 5 or 6 panic attacks a day.

Diazepam is the most effective benzo - And lasts the longest. Should provide good relief - But only take when needed (Or directed by doctor) cuz it's best to not build tolerance.

I was taking 0.5mg of alprazolam once every evening to relax (Big mistake - I couldn't sleep for 50 hours after cutting it in half and needed 2x 14x 5mg diazepam to take PRN to help with sleep and such).


(Has the most mental/physical anxiety relief, muscle relaxation, anticonvulsive effect and sedation/hypnosis)

(If you see, diazepam is in the middle, for having effects on all areas)

(Remember about the withdrawal period. I take benzos really seriously - But no worries, if 5+ panic attacks a day? Would be good for you to have some relief, especially when experiencing psychosis ^-)

Thanks for the wealth of knowledge on diazepam, Desoxyn. I will be careful to take it minimally. I just need to get these dang panic attacks to stop. Plus I don't think it is helping my psychosis to be so panicky all the time. HUGS! Thanks for sharing!

I stopped the trazodone last night, I woke up at 4am and have been up since then. It’s 7pm now. I feel kind of worn out from all the exercising and doing things. I’m not anxious today. I went to the store without panicking /dissociating too badly on the way. I’m simultaneously cutting back on caffeine. Im not sure what to do regarding trazodone until I straighten out my caffeine intake but that’s taking a long time because every time I cut back too much or cut out caffeine I get horrible migraines that last days. I want to get my caffeine intake down to none before I consider taking it again.

But it does help my anxiety too (the trazodone) And it probably was still somewhat in my system today.

Not sure, I’ll figure it out. Im working on it

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Maybe I’ll just leave it alone though. I should just keep taking it along with my other meds. I get obsessed about being “super productive” and getting up super early but it’s probably not good if I’m only getting 5 hours of sleep or less.

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