Roll Call 202

Oh no what happened?

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I’ve just been depressed so I ended things today, I couldn’t keep up with being in a relationship while being depressed

Also I lost my social security due to having those jobs previously so now I can’t pay rent and may or may not be homeless in a month or so if I can’t figure something out

I applied to some jobs today. So I’m hoping I hear something back soon. I am aiming to work and stay off social security cause it’s too much of a pain to deal with and I’d be able to make more money. I’d lose my rental stipend so I’d have to pay the full amount of rent for my apartment instead of 30% of my income but it would work out better overall.

And me and my bf are back together. I was just being impulsive because I was stressed about stuff.

It's disheartening to read this, but I'm also very happy he has support! Many don't, I know it is very hard to care for him - He seems to be doing ok, that's important cuz it can get messy - The older he gets (With proper care, and staying away from weed etc), the more mature and stable he will get. Sometimes (At least for me), I needed to go through the instability (Because of trauma), and sort of.. Let it all out.. I guess.. But my mom was always there for me - She never kicked me out, she loved me unconditionally (Even though she was neglectful in the beginning). Family needs to stick together (Especially with how divided everyone in society is becoming etc), and be close.. We're only human, and have a ****** deal - It's a cold world out there, especially now. Love is all he needs, remember that... And not everyone can be a caregiver, don't beat yourself up about that.. You are trying your best..

With the right meds (Especially good new meds that are available now), the best treatment possible, at least what you can do is help to advocate for him ^-; Drugs are can be a problem, people self medicate, because there's horrors that are within the mind.. It can happen. With autism spectrum disorder, there's a delay in frontal lobe development (And weed makes that worse), but it'll get better. There's *faith/hope*, it's hard...

Anyway, for me I like to help people - But I was one of the more problematic cases lol.. I've improved myself over the years, have very good treatment, I'm taken care of.. I'm grateful - And all of us will keep growing from this.. Any med questions though, you can ask me (I know too much about psychoactive chemicals lol, and I love to do research and learn about what I don't know) - And any support of updates you want to post, you can post here - We don't bite, and are friendly, supportive... Much love to you and that kid

I applied to Taco Bell, Burger King, Petsmart, and Walmart so hopefully I hear something soon

I have an interview with Taco Bell on Friday

Thank you for responding! Yes his schizophrenia started when he was 19. It was when he was introduced to weed by his lower of a dad. He was in and out of the hospital like probably 12 times. When he would smoke weed he would quit his meds and wind up back in the hospital. He hears insulting voices.

Yes I have a sister that helps with him. I have bipolar, ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder as well as agoraphobia. I'm going to start working on the agoraphobia with my therapist soon. My son is in a very different part of town than I am in and I get so anxious driving out there.

My nephews have kinda disowned him and I have another sister that helps but she just had a stroke 3 months ago and she needs to have surgery done. She had the surgery 2 days before her brain surgery. She has a tumor on her brain and on the bottom of her spine.

But yeah, I'll run things by you regarding meds he's on even meds I am on, lol. Thanks for your support @

I woke up with aches all over my body.

I feel depressed.. meds need to kick in.

I'm overwhelmed. I had a dream that my mom told me to go to work anyways after I was to wake up cuz "We have a government to topple and overthrow" - I wish it were like that tbf. I have good dreams.

The meds kicked in =]

I feel awesome =]

The days are long now, almost Summer. I want to do a lot of studying.

I'm really really hoping that I get it this job and that I actually keep it and don't impulsively quit. I can't really afford to quit this time though so that may be a good thing. My boyfriend and I are still together. He said he can help me out with my rent if it becomes necessary and even if things got to the point where I couldn't afford it at all he would pay for a ticket for me and both the cats to move down there with him. That was the plan anyway for me to move down there eventually. If I have to do it a little earlier than planned that's okay, I will have a place to live no matter what may happen. But my hope is that this job works out and I can work for 6-8 months then move down there with my savings.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Things are going better than they were. I feel more in control and optimistic now that I have a possible job lined up and also a solid backup plan if things do go poorly

In other news I'm trying to learn how to play chess.. I'm really abysmally bad at it. But that's okay because I never played it or learned to play until recently. But I really love strategy games so I am determined to get better at it. That's the cool thing about strategy games, you can learn them and get better and improve at them. That's why I love trading card games like yugioh, pokemon, magic the gathering, and tabletop boardgames like DnD, and other RPG's

Still practicing violin, and ukulele and piano. Mostly violin. But still messing around with the other two as well. Music is amazing

Glad you're doing well What kinds of things are you studying? Lately I've been studying music theory and working through my music theory workbook. Studying is fun

Spirituality, religions, mystical, esoteric, philosophical, shamanistic things..

and sociology/conspiracies =/

But I'd like to legit study neuroscience, math and pharmacology.. That's just a side thing that I want to do, and only do rarely

I tried to learn coding but it's incredibly boring to me...

I have my appointment with my psychiatrist today in 2 hours from now

I have an interview tomorrow at a clothing place. They called me today. I was surprised because it’s been awhile since I put my application in. Anyway I’m hoping to get it since that’s what I have experience in. Would be better than Taco Bell for sure. It’s still retail so it’ll still suck but it will be better than fast food for my mental health.

Also my psychiatrist increased the abilify to 30mg, is decreasing and stopping the Thorazine and eventually replacing the trileptal with lamictal.

He also said he’s glad I stopped the THC and that it can cause psychosis especially for me when I told him about my bad experiences with it.

He did kind of crush my hopes at being on one med only though. He’s like the best we can do is maybe get you down to two and ideally it would be one but because of my history he said that’s definitely not possible.

I guess I just have to accept that I’ll need meds forever

Desoxyn, I did reply to you a couple of pages back. I was just in moderation and it got buried I think. I'm out of moderation now.

My son is doing much better. They went to a place that makes really good strawberry milkshakes and so they had a nice time out.

In his old group home they didn't do any outings like that.

He's going to be coming for a visit next weekend and I can already feel my anxiety going up. I just have horrible anxiety about going to new places I haven't drove often.

Can’t sleep, have a feeling I won’t be sleeping at all tonight. I’m too nervously excited about the interview tomorrow to sleep. It’s about 11pm now. My interview is at 12pm tomorrow so I have to leave around 10:45am to get to the bus stop.

@Desoxyn. Iwas curious what you thought of my delema. I was taken off lorazapam by my psych nurse using the ashen model. I was on 2 mgs of lorazapam and she switched me to 20 mgs of diazapan. I started having 4-5 hour long panic attacks. So I switched to a new Dr bc she kept wanting to take me off more things after she promised she wouldn't take me off any other meds. Those 4-5 long panic attacks lasted for 9 months.

The new Dr I saw was willing to help me and started putting me on sedating meds but no benzos. He left the agency. I started having having really bad insomnia and ended up in a mixed episode. I was taking 30 mgs of Zyprexa and still couldn't sleep. Long story short the new psych nurse I saw wouldn't help me and I ended up in the hospital. I didn't want benzos, I wanted to find out why I had those horrible panic attacks. They put me at involuntary hold bc I was acting out. The place they hold people in the hospital is horrible. The guy in the room next to was spreading feces on the wall!

Anyway I had a great psychiatrist and was released 10 days later. Now I'm on more meds than the psychiatrist in the hospital put me on and I'm a mess with anxiety. I know the coping skills for it but it doesn't help. Do you think my gabba receptors are fried. I really need to come off some of these meds. They're really effecting my cognition. What is wrong with me regarding the meds?

And I've had 2 psychotic breaks. Very scary ones. That's when I diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

How do you deal with a significant other who doesn’t believe you have mental health issues. It’s weird because he has bipolar and adhd but he wasn’t diagnosed with any of that way before when we first dated 10 years ago and at that point I was already diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. He also doesn’t take meds. He was diagnosed while in the army and took meds briefly then stopped them and stopped seeing a psychiatrist. He seems to think meds aren’t necessary and that enough support can cure or solve any issues and that they’re not true issues that I have. I still haven’t even mentioned that I have schizoaffective all I’ve mentioned is the bipolar cause I feel like at least he could understand that a bit. But he deny’s that there’s anything wrong with me and claims it’s “just situational”which feels extremely dismissive especially since I’ve been in and out of inpatient facilities since I was 14 for various things like suicide attempts and psychosis and mania and have had various psychiatrists over the years confirm my diagnosis. He seems to think he knows everything. And he also thinks that weed is not a problem and said that when I told him my psychiatrist said it would be best to stop the THC. He also thinks things like LSD and mushrooms are good and can be helpful. Which maybe for some people but I can’t even handle weed without it triggering psychosis.

It’s like he is supportive in some ways but in other ways in a very dismissive way where he acts like he knows better than me and my medical professionals on my treatment team

The place I’m interviewing at today has only two locations. It’s not nationwide chain. Its sole two locations are local. So I’m kind of glad that it’s not a multibillion dollar company like Walmart or some widespread chain like the ones I worked at before that cause I feel like smaller companies treat their employees better.