Roll Call 203

Happy things

-I get to spent time with my boyfriend today because he has the day off work ❤️ I believe he has a three day weekend actually which is super nice. Since he works 2nd shift (3:30pm to 2am) we don’t get to spend much time together on days he’s working. But he will be able to get on a normal shift in October once he’s been in the union there for 6 months.

-I slept good last night. Which is nice because I have a feeling I won’t be sleeping much tonight, cause I don’t want to miss my job orientation which is tomorrow at 7am. So I have to be up at least by 5am in order to get ready and get the bus there on time. I’m probably gonna go to sleep by 8 and set my alarm for 4am just to be safe. I might not get any sleep though due to excitement regardless lol

-I’m excited that my job orientation is tomorrow because as soon as I go I get my schedule. Which means I can actually plan my days since I will know what I’m doing and see when I’m working. They do schedules 3 weeks in advance here which is nice. Right now I have no idea what my next couple weeks look like because my availability is open to close Tuesday through Sunday. Mondays I’m available from 1pm to closing. Because I have my volunteer job Monday mornings. Once I have my schedule I can start putting stuff in my calendar/planning and schedule time for other stuff I want and need to do. Like practicing violin, exercising, art, appointments, cleaning etc. I like time blocking my days

-I feel a lot more positive mentally right now
There’s a carnival next Friday I was invited to. Idk if I’m going it depends on if I’m working but if I do that will be a lot of fun! If not I can always find some other events around here this summer to go to.

-One of my goals is to socialize more and get out more so I’m trying to make an effort to get out of my shell some.

-My sister randomly showing up to my apartment last night and offering to help me with a problem I’ve been dealing with really made me feel good and it made my week really, I feel like things are starting to look up a bit.

-I feel like the next month is just gonna be a little stressful but after that everything should be straightened out and I’ll be over this bump in the road.

-I’m gonna try to do some art today. Or at the very least coloring. Maybe both. I need to do something creative today.

I talked with my landlord today. She asked if I was okay and I started crying because of some stress going on dealing with social security and my therapist dying etc etc and she said to not worry about anything and that everything will get straightened out and fine and that if I’m a little late with my rent it’s okay and that I won’t be homeless as long as she works here

Well the weekend visit has went terribly wrong. He all of the sudden became violent. He was slamming doors and he threw a big chair across the room. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong.

Finally he told he was hearing derogatory voices and he said I only get psychotic here. I asked him why and he said I'm not going to tell you bc you wouldn't believe me.

So we decided he's going to take all the food I bought him back to the place he's staying and I'm taking him back tomorrow. He said he doesn't think we should do full weekend visits and he'll just do day visits. It makes me want to cry. This schizophrenia has made him so aggressive. Tonight I'm feeling very unsafe. His last assault was pretty bad. This just sucks!

Part of it might be that he got here at 4pm and he has almost drank a 12 pack of diet coke. Idk but he's still slamming doors and I got him to take his meds.

It's just so unfair that he's an aggressive schizophrenic. Most of them are passive. I mean he did 9 months for the assault on me. We couldn't talk that whole time. My sister Kim talked with him and reported back to me how he was doing.

I kept telling him he was going to end up in a group home because of how violent he was. I'm not going to tell you all the things he did but it was a lot and I felt like I was in domestic violence relationship. But with my son. That's why I won't let him come back to live here.

Heading to work in about an hour. I’m exhausted, didn’t go to sleep last night

Went to work. Did 5 hours straight of module/video trainings, will be finishing that up on Tuesday and onto the sales floor am almost done. I got my employee discount card (10% off), my ID badge, and will get my vest and schedule on Tuesday after I finish up to computer training. It’s the most in depth computer training I’ve ever had at any of my jobs but then again this is a different position than cashiering was. And you have to learn about 4 different types of dangerous chemicals and spills that can happen here and how to deal with those and how to like deal with blocking off aisles for power equipment. And how to lift things without hurting yourself. And all their technology fulfillment uses for picking and staging orders. So it’s a quite a bit more training than cashiering ever was at my jobs. Of course it includes all the basic stuff too like fire safety, sexual harassment, customer service stuff, theft, active shooter training, etc. a little overwhelming the amount of information l, my brain felt like it was melting by the 3rd hour mark of staring at a computer screen lol. But I know it will be a lot simpler with hands on experience it’s just this computer training for jobs is always a pain in the *** to deal with.

So I had a hair appt and was gone like 3 hours and they did my hair wrong.

Idk what time he fell asleep but it's 5:15 and he won't get up.

Then he'll get mad at me for not getting him up.

I kind of feel like people in my life doubt my ability to keep this job due to my history of quitting jobs. Which sucks; being doubted. I’m determined to not leave this job though

I have my volunteer job today. Then I have work tomorrow and an apartment inspection. Then Thursday I have a meeting with social security

I have work tomorrow at 10am. Not sure how long the shift is probably about 5 hours again. I get my schedule finally tomorrow as well. I went to bed super early, like 7pm so it's going on midnight now and I just woke up. I'm probably up for the day. I need to be up early to mop before I leave for work cause my apartment inspection is at 11am while I'm at work. I've been cleaning the past 5 days to catch up on it since I slacked a lot on it while I was depressed. After I get home from work I'm gonna get on the treadmill for 45 minutes to relieve some stress.

He ended up crashing until Sunday around noon. I had bought him some fresh deli meat and he wouldn't let me have any. I bought it and he wouldn't let me have any. The chicken breast I bought him went bad.

Sunday I made him take a shower bc he smelled really bad and I needed to do this leg pump machine. I have to do it every day. But I was so sleep deprived I fell asleep doing it and he opened up my door and then slammed it really hard and woke me up. It's like he wants my undivided attention.

We have both agreed that for right now overnight visits aren't a good thing for both of our mental health.

I get the feeling from you guys that I'm in the wrong somehow with the way I'm handling him. I can barely take care of myself. I definitely can't have that amount of fear in my house. If I don't get enough sleep I tend to go into a mixed episode. I came here for support but I guess I'm not going to get it.

That food I bought him came out of my food stamps. It was $154. I only get 200. I bought some groceries yesterday and now I have none. I can't afford to to be buying him food with my money. Now I'm going to be really broke next month bc I'm going to have to spend my cash on food.

Hardly anyone posts here anymore but used to be active but everyone left. ItÂ’s really just me here now and I have just been busy with some extremely stressful stuff going on in my life right now itÂ’s nothing against you I just havenÂ’t felt good enough to give support right now. I also donÂ’t have experience with what youÂ’re dealing with as far as taking care of someone with schizophrenia so I donÂ’t want to offer advice when it may not be helpful

You might find more help in the bipolar forum as it’s more active there. Or in the general psych forums or caregivers support thread

I got my locker, vest, box cutter, badge , gloves etc my first full day will be Thursday from 1pm to 10pm so a 9 hours shift. Including my commute /bus wait time that’s about an 11 hour day

Thank you for the explanation. I wouldn't consider myself his caregiver though. I think of myself more as a mother who has a son that gets violent. It's mainly only with me although the formal home he was in he started acting really aggressive and that's why they put him in the hospital. When he was first diagnosed with schizophrenia at 19, I spent days crying. It's just a very difficult situation considering my mental issues as well. I think I'll try the bipolar site since I have that too. Thanks for the information. 😊

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that all this and you’re always welcome to post here , sometimes it picks up in activity. I can try to post more/reply more too when I’m not at work

I have my meeting with social security tomorrow morning then after that I have work from 1pm to 10pm. Im there till closing so I’ll probably be in the store like 30 minutes after 10pm the. But time I get the bus I won’t get home till around midnight. It’s gonna be a long day. Then I have to be up by 6am Friday to get ready for work again. Whoever designed retail schedules to be the way they are is out of their mind.

I have Saturday and Sunday off which is nice.

Then next week I work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. My first paycheck will be on July 12th. Which will include two full weeks work plus orientation so it should be around $700 which isn’t bad.

I have a little notebook they gave me so I can take notes when I’m on the sales floor tomorrow training with someone. Hopefully it’s not too overwhelming. I’m gonna do my best. I think I get an hour lunch break because I’m gonna be there for 9 hours tomorrow.

Also I love their break room. It’s not tiny like the break rooms at my other jobs. It’s actually pretty large. The other ones were uncomfortably tiny where you’d be all up in other people’s space unintentionally cause they were so damn small and cramped. Where it felt very awkward.

Within a few months I should be back ahead financially.

Have work today from 1pm to 10pm. Hopefully it goes well.

Hi orange, i’m rarely around but I saw you’re having cognitive issues with bipolar/psychosis. For me what worked was omega 3. My favorite is an algae omega 3 from Nordic naturals.

Also regarding your son I’m sorry he gets violent but most of us relate to being out of control with psychosis but in a non violent way. What might help is if you talk about you and your experience rather than him. Most of us here are higher functioning and can’t relate to him but possibly can relate to you. I have bipolar/psychosis and found more similarities here than at the bipolar site. What we all have in common is the experience of psychosis.

I wish you luck with your son.

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