Roll Call 203

I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes today. I'm gonna do some other exercises later today, yoga, weights, squats and situps. Other than that I plan on cleaning. I didn't sleep well last night. I was up late watching a show called The Boys on amazon prime which my bf recommended to me. I sat outside this morning for an hour and read. Trying to get myself to get out more and get fresh air.

I'm resuming violin lessons this month. I had to take a couple months off them because of financial reasons. My next lesson is on July 16th. Very excited about that. I'm aiming to take 2-3 lessons a month. I recently got some new violin sheet music books:

One is a Disney violin book that has like 72 songs in it, another is a Celtic violin book, another is a Lord of the Rings violin book, and the other one is a fiddler book my violin teacher recommended. That's a good amount of material to work on for the next year. Eventually we'll work on some Lindsey Stirling stuff.
Right now we're working on Vivaldi's concerto in A Minor which is gonna take quite a bit of time for me to learn.

I'm hoping to lose some weight with exercising, but I'm mainly doing it for my mental health because it's good for my mood and anxiety and stress relief. Cause it works really well for those things. There's a significant difference in my mood stability and anxiety on days I exercises versus days I don't. It lifts my mood significantly and makes me happier, prevents my mood from swinging as much, and lowers my anxiety and lessens panic attacks. It also helps with anger and irritability, which I deal with sometimes. It's just all around really good which is why I'm trying to do it everyday.

This might sound gross but I've always struggled with dental hygiene but I've managed to start making it a habit to brush and floss 2-3 times a day every single day. I started doing that thing called habit stacking which is a technique that makes building positive habits easier. So you add something right after a habit that's already ingrained. Since I already have the habit of taking my meds twice a day I just stack brushing and flossing in directly after those times and it is making it easier to stick to it since taking my meds is already such an ingrained habit. It leaves no time to procrastinate and push it off till "later" which usually ends up being never.

On saturday I'm going to a independent cafe/bookstore with my sister to eat and have coffee. It should be fun. I've only been there once when they opened a year ago but it's a really cool place and I love the vibe of it.

my pdoc thinks i have SZA not BP. i guess shes probably right as ive been hallucinating butim not depressed or manic. my mood i fine exept when im hallucinatign i kinda freak out

Actually I guess this could help me so I am going to do it on Friday. I was able to reschedule it without losing my money luckily.

Good for you for exercising, that is great. I am currently in an exercise slump, which means I haven't been doing it, but I know it's good for me.

I think with me my old pdoc said that the difference for me was when I was having psychotic symptoms while not at the same time being depressed, that was what distinguished depression with psychotic features from SZA.

It's all very complicated to me, and I try not to engage in debates with my psychiatrist about diagnosis, which I've been successful at not doing, but sometimes it's scary and complicated for me.

Recently at the hospital they diagnosed me as having Psychosis Not otherwise specified. So, I'm kind of lost.

yes your are correct. i hav been dxd with SZA previosuly anyway

Hugs ……

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Had my appointment with my psychiatrist today. All my meds are staying the same only thing he changed was he added a vitamin D supplement prescription because apparently my vitamin D levels are super low according to my bloodwork. But the rest of my bloodwork all looks good. He said my cholesterol is better than it was a year ago. He said my good cholesterol is a little low though so to try to start eating fish and stuff like that sometimes. He asked if I was still self medicating with THC and I said no I stopped because it was messing with me too much and he said good and that’s a smart choice. But yeah the vitamin D thing I am supposed to take once a week. So I’m gonna go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick that stuff up along with my regular meds.

I think he’s the first doctor and first psychiatrist that’s ever really checked my vitamin D levels. I always known it was very likely low but never bothered getting checked for it.

I slept really good last night. 11 1/2 hours. Not much going on today. Feeling pretty good. Get paid today. So I can pay for a couple violin lessons, pay my phone bill, get household essentials, and get a new purse and violin book my violin teacher recommended. I made some English muffin pizzas. Those are so quick and good. Listening to some good music. Been watching the show The Boys on amazon prime and really enjoying it. I'm mostly just chilling today. Gonna watch the rest of season 1 of The Boys and maybe read some more of my books. Maybe play some videogames too. Tomorrow I'm going to the store to buy household essentials, getting on the treadmill, and practicing violin. I need to get some sunscreen. I'm trying to get out of the house more at least for a walk once a day. My next violin lesson is on Tuesday.

Next month when I see my psychiatrist again he's gonna write a support letter for me to become my own payee which is nice.

But yeah in general I just feel really good. All of the stuff that was severely stressing me out has been resolved and I'm doing better on the med changes.

I need to make a dental appointment. One of my crowns fell off the other day while I was eating. I still have it, it didn't break just popped off so they just need to cement it back on. So that needs to be put back on and I need a cleaning and exam and any necessary followup appointments. And I need to make an appointment with my primary for a physical. And last but not least I need to make an eye exam and possibly get new glasses if my insurance covers them. I'm pretty sure it's been 2 years since I got new glasses so I should be able to get a new pair. Gonna try to get all those appointments taken care of throught the rest of the summer and fall.

Some of my health goals for the next year:
Improve my good cholesterol by eating things that increase good cholesterol like fish, nuts, beans etc
Lose 30 lbs
Lower my bad cholesterol more
Have good dental hygiene
Eat more balanced, less junk food

I got some new games for my laptop on the Steam summer sale

I printed out the printable workbooks that came with my kindle DBT workbooks I have so now I can use them to make copies of the worksheets and do the exercises in them. There's like 3 packs of worksheets and chapter reviews, one is 63 pages, one is 60 pages and one is 30 pages. Yeah I printed ALL of that out last night lol I'm trying to work on it everyday throughout the day. I feel like it would be helpful for me especially since I have a history of trauma and BPD.

I'm kind of proud of myself because the other day I started dissociating badly. I managed to pull myself out of it though. It took a couple hours of watching shows/movies, and playing games to distract myself but after that it dissipated and I felt a lot more grounded. Typically the only way to pull myself out of them is going to sleep because it seems to reset my brain. But I'm glad I was able to do it this way.

I had my volunteer shift today with the cat rescue. It went well. I didn't feel like going mainly due to me being lazy and tired and I get anxious on the bus, I was thinking about backing out but I managed to push through it and get myself there and back. So I guess that would be the skill opposite action, doing the opposite of what your emotional impulses tell you to do.

Trying to meditate daily, journal, and exercise. And get out of the house more. I've been dealing with some agoraphobia so it's been difficult to get myself out. There's supposed to be a carnival coming up either at the end of this month or in August I forget when but I'm going to that. I'm also going to an adult coloring night at my local library later this month.

I have a violin lesson on Tuesday. Looking forward to it. Have to go pick up my meds tomorrow and the Vitamin D prescription so I can finally start that.

I got officially dx'ed with schizophrenia today. Anyway it kind of confirms a lot of things.

I went and saw Deadpool and Wolverine in theater the other day. It was amazing.

I'm doing relatively okay. I need to sleep though. I've been up since yesterday morning and it's going on 7:30pm right now. My mood has been stable since my med adjustments almost two months ago. Only thing I'm still struggling with sometimes lately is panic attacks and dissociation. I'm trying to create time during the day where I'm not using any technology. So a couple hours a day without phone, laptop, tv, games, headphones. Just existing and meditating or thinking and journaling in silence and taking a walk or sitting outside and being present mentally in my life. Just trying to practice mindfulness and stay in the moment. I'm trying to work on my impulsiveness because it's really bad.

Life feels overwhelming right now but it's probably just because I've been awake for over 30 hours.

Hugs…….

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It's so unbelievably hard to sit in silence. It's overwhelmingly anxiety inducing because I'm used to overwhelming my senses with input 24/7 and distractions. I don't like being alone with my thoughts because it makes me anxious, but silence is a good thing and I want to have more of it in my life. Just drinking coffee in the morning in silence. No tech, no sounds, just me and my cats existing and being present. for a few hours. I'm trying to stop escaping myself and my life. I love watching shows and movies too and I still will but I'm also trying to spend more time reading because it reduces my anxiety and stress levels more, and is more fulfilling. I love music, I am going to start practicing my violin again. I fell off it for a few months. I want to get back to it though because it's very fulfilling to do and I love it. It's another thing that requires time, patience, focus, mindfulness, and consistency to get to any level of mastery with it.

My apartment building manager asked if I would help with two of their events coming up so I'm going to be doing that. I'm trying to socialize more. To interact with people and get out of my apartment. I'm gonna ask my neighbor if she wants to have coffee sometime. I want to have more experiences with people, I feel a lot better when I've socialized. It puts me in a much better mood. I always loved being an introvert and convinced myself I don't need a social life but everybody needs to socialize it's literally imperative and important for mental wellbeing, it doesn't matter whether you're an extrovert or introvert. Relationships matter. I don't want to sit home at my apartment on my phone scrolling social media while my life passes me by, I've done that the majority of my life. I have to start living my life and being involved in my life, actually being mentally present and an active participant in my life.

Sorry for the random rambling, that's just what's been on my mind and what I've been trying to do lately

Anyone have any sleep tips? I keep getting up at 2:00 am, then barely sleeping through 5:00 am if I'm lucky. Otherwise I get up at around 2:00 am or 3:00 am. I know it might be a medication question, to which end I've asked my psychiatrist, but does anyone know what's good for sleep and what's not? Thanks!

I feel, sometimes it's hard to exist without technology. But we need breaks sometimes.

Sometimes I'll just put my phone on airplane mode and my computer as well. Just because. It's resistance against the (permit me the term) technopoly.

Some things that have been helpful for me:

No blue light an hour or two before bed. So no screens, phone, laptop, tv, etc. just read or something calming without screens before bed. Color, draw, journal, crochet, etc anything that’s calming and doesn’t require screens.

Limit caffeine , try to not have any at least 6 hours before bed otherwise it’ll interfere with your sleep

Keep your bedroom temperature cool and dark

Stay out of your bed during the day and only go back into it when you’re ready to sleep

Sometimes a shower before bed helps me

Try to not eat a heavy meal directly before you lay down to sleep

Exercise during the day helps and getting daylight outside during the day helps regulate your circadian rhythm

Meditation and journaling before bed are helpful as well

Also I’ve found my weighted blanket helps me sleep a lot better

Melatonin

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BB those two last posts were super awesome!

I have trouble with posting here - I don't exactly know how.

My town burned in a fire, I'm in a hotel room with my mom and cats (Disability pays for it).

My cognition has changed with the Vraylar.. It's good - But unfamiliar, as if I'm really focused, calm and happy, zero depression.

But there's a lot of things I need to organize - It's like a mountain.. That I am to climb.. My personality has changed - I desperately cling to my old self (I've had many different stages of self that lasted a few years each).

I'll post more later - And it will be a lot.

Thank you!

I’m really sorry to hear about the fire, that’s so terrible. I’m glad you and your family and cats are safe though and together. And I’m glad the vraylar is helping you

I decided to start learning Italian again. I took an Italian class in college and it was a lot of fun and I did good with it. It would be nice to know a second language.

I got on the treadmill today for 30 min. Had an appointment as well. I’m feeling tired because I hardly slept at all last night. I might end up taking a nap , I’m not sure. I was gonna practice violin and ukulele but I’m too tired to. So I’m just gonna chill and watch shows.

Right now I'm listening to Concerning Hobbits from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and enjoying my coffee. I want to learn to play that on the violin.

I started practicing violin again, I was struggling with motivation for a few months and didn't touch it. But I finally practiced yesterday afternoon and am gonna practice again today. My goal is to do at least an hour of it a day. It feels good to be playing again, I missed it. I'll probably resume my lessons with my private instructor in October. Music makes me so happy. Right now I'm working on learning a couple of songs from the Legend of Zelda videogame series. My next big goal to work up to is Vivaldi's Concerto in A Minor. Then eventually some Lindsey Stirling stuff. Some other pieces I want to learn are the Pirates of The Carribeean song He's a Pirate, the Game of Thrones theme song, Zombie by the Cranberries, Sadness and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, Grief and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, the full Carol of the Bells song, Fur Elise by Beethoven, Concerning Hobbits from Lord of the Rings, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, and many other songs including a lot of celtic stuff and fiddle song

I'm doing pretty good still, living in South America, still. My paranoid schizophrenia diagnosis really threw me for a loop, even though I've been diagnosed with it before. (Though I don't think the paranoid part really sank in before.) I am trying to work on editing a book for an organization. It is proving quite difficult to get done on time, as the deadline is Sept. 28. Anyway, that is fine, but this is hard. Gabapentin has been helping me some with some intrusive thoughts I've been having and I don't really care to get into the content of those thoughts since it would be a trigger for some people including myself. My translation work is going ok. That's fine. They've given me yet another extension on my thesis, which is good. I think I'll finally finish it. I am working on it or supposed to work on it three times a week. Anyway. That is fine. I just gotta barrel down and work I suppose. But it's not that easy.