Roll Call 203

Anyway, the diagnosis really threw me for a loop because it said things like I don't like socializing much, which may or may not be true. I like socializing. It's just hard for me. I don't know. I think diagnoses seem to generalize too much. But that is my personal opinion I suppose.

I've been listening to music I love and dancing some in the morning, which has proven helpful. Also I journal in the morning, it is good to get my thoughts out, but I'm not sure what function that really has if I'm not sharing it with anyone. That's why I decided to get back on here.

On another note, after being in the hospital for 19 days last month, (I know, tell me about it, it was a long time), I am completely off of caffeine from coffee. I still drink maté, which is a tea I like, and I think it has caffeine, but it is not as strong as coffee. So that's a somewhat positive development.

I made buffalo wings in the crockpot yesterday. They came out sooo good. They weren’t like traditional wings cause they didn’t come out crispy but they came out so good and tender and practically fell off the bone. I’m so happy I tried it out, now I know I can make buffalo wings in the crockpot.

Got this cake today at the food pantry, isn't it beautiful. Also got a lot of other good food

I'm a little annoyed because my doctor forgot to send refills for my abilify and now I had to call the clinic today to remind them and they can take up to 48 hours to fulfill a med refill request and it's the weekend and I'm completely out of my abilify probably until it gets refilled and I can get to the pharmacy next monday or tuesday at the latest. So that sucks. I'll be without it for 4-5 days. I have my other meds. But that one is kind of really important. It's not the end of the world but it's not ideal.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well. I passed my apartment inspection the other day. I have another one coming up on the 28th but that's just like a yearly HUD one not the monthly one. I'm a little nervous but not too bad. I've been doing my best to keep on top of keeping my apartment clean and organized. That's all I can do and try not to worry or stress.

I'm gonna be facilitating a senior coffee day and a senior bingo day at my apartment complex for the senior people in the building. It's part of me trying to socialize more. I think they asked me to do it becuase they feel I'll have an easier time socilazing with people older than me than people in my age range. I feel more anxious around people in my age range (30). Idk why. I feel less self conscious around older people.

My kindle fire decided to be stupid and turn my screen blurry. Idk what's wrong with it. I tried reseting it and powering on/off, factory resetting etc nothing seems to be fixing it. I think it's a firmware issue. It just randomly happened last night out of nowhere. It's a kindle fire 11th generation. Which sucks cause I love reading on my kindle but I still have the kindle app on my iphone and though it's not quite as nice as reading with an actual kindle I can still read all my books on there. It's a good alternative to scrolling social media, now I open my kindle app more frequently and am reading all the time. The whole hour I was waiting at the food pantry to open I stood there reading a book on my kindle on my phone. I may eventually have to replace my kindle someday though if it doesn't fix itself. But that will be down the road when I can afford to.

Oh I forgot to mention, I recently was approved for a survivors benefit from social security due to my mom having worked and also been on SSI as well. So I now get an additional $606 a month on top of my regular ssi $943 a month. So my income went up quite a bit. My rent will increase some as a result but I still make out better than I was before this. So that's nice. Next goal is to become my own payee sometime in september.

I also got back into gaming, so I've been playing a lot of games. Right now on my Xbox I'm playing Life is Strange, on my Nintendo Switch I'm playing the first Kingdom Hearts game and the game Calico which is like a cozy game where you run a cat cafe. And a game on my phone called Wylde Flowers which is a ton of fun too

I have my volunteer shift with the rescue cats on sunday. Other than that not much. Making bacon cheddar turkey burgers tomorrow, with lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion, and pickles, ketchup and mustard. Really excited about that.

Just gonna be reading, playing games, exercising, and practicing ukulele and violin

My anxiety has been off the charts lately so I'm using every coping skill I can think of to deal with it

I started learning how to crochet, I feel like it might help my anxiety. I spent 45 minutes doing a long chain today and started tryin to to do the one underneath that then I messed up but I’ll watch more videos and look at my crochet guidebook and hopefully get better over time

This is what I’ve got so far. I know there’s a lot of mistakes

I made those burgers tonight. They are soooo good.

The past two days have been good. Minimal anxiety so it’s a nice break from that. Tomorrow I have my volunteer shift with the rescue kitties.

I made a crochet bracelet today. It was my first “project”. Though it wasn’t much. But it was the first actual thing I’ve made that was a thing.

I’ve been reading a lot. I got on the treadmill today for 30 minutes. Trying to do that most days.

I slept really good last night plus I took a nap earlier today.

My 2nd project today. A teeny tiny hat for cats

I have a good idea. Once I get better at crocheting I’m gonna start crocheting cat toys and blankets for the rescue cats where I volunteer

My therapist is gonna start doing EMDR therapy with me at out next appointment for trauma

My boyfriend and I broke up today, I broke up with him. Over phone call. I didn't do it impulsively over text. It was a well thought out decision and we both agreed that it's for the best even though it sucks because we do love eachother. It just wasn't realistic, by time I'd be able to move down there it'd be like years from now and we had already been together a year and a half. And he's going through a lot of stress with his job and trying to support his nephew who's currently living with him. So neither of us has the means any time in the forseable to move in together let alone visit eachother again. And we're both stressed from the relationship, his stress rubbing off on me. So we decided to end things. It was on good terms and we are still going to be friends because we have a lot in common and like to play games together and stuff and still care about eachother a lot. But for right now we're just processing the break up and taking time to ourselves.

I have nobody to talk to anymore now that I don’t have my boyfriend. It’s just me alone 24/7. No friends. No family.

I don’t care about anything anymore. I feel like there’s no point to anything. Everything is just a distraction until the day you die.

I’ve come to the realization that I’ve completely recovered from anorexia. Not just in terms of weight but also the mental aspect of it. The obsessiveness over food and calories and losing weight and over exercising. I keep facing things that used to trigger me like exercising or the opportunity to restrict and I just don’t do it and it’s not even hard anymore. I exercise in a healthy way. Mostly for my mental health and not to lose weight. And I never restrict anymore. If I fee myself getting hungry sometimes the thought passes my mind maybe I should restrict but I ignore it and immediately eat. Like it’s not even hard anymore? Idk it’s crazy to me because I struggled with anorexia and also purging since I was 10 years old. And for most of my life any little thing would trigger me. I literally just came to the realization today that I’m fully recovered from my eating disorder. I have zero intention of putting myself through the uncomfortable hell of one ever again and do not have the intention of letting one ever consume my life again. It’s just automatic to me now to eat when I’m physically hungry and I don’t obsess about my weight anymore. Like yeah I’d like to lose some of what I gained but I’m not overly concerned about it or obsessing about it. I’m not unhappy about it.

I got some food for myself, ordered Nutella (a 3 1/2 lb jar!!!) Oreos and chips coming from Walmart delivery today. Super excited. I know not the healthiest lol but I don’t eat like that all the time. So yay for treats.

I’m facilitating the seniors bingo game tonight. From 4pm to 6pm. So that should be interesting. A little nervous but it’ll be fine. We’re only doing 4 games. I’m just calling out the numbers

Good morning. Up early. Did laundry and finished cleaning. Have an inspection today. I passed my last inspection so I’m not really worried. I’ve been staying on top of cleaning. I’m going to do the treadmill later and maybe take a walk outside too. And do the rest of my exercises. (Weights, squats and yoga). I read for an hour this morning. Right now I’m just enjoying some coffee while I wait for the inspection. It says between 9am and 4pm. I hate when they give a weird time frame like that it’s annoying cause then I am stuck waiting around till they come. Tomorrow they’re having movie/popcorn day in the community room so I’m gonna go to that.

I think they finished the inspections. I just heard them in another apartment down the hall. They weren’t doing all apartments just random ones. So I’m pretty sure mine didn’t get picked this time. So yay that’s over with.

My mood was very euphoric yesterday, today I’m feeling very blah

How does one find meaning in life? Like I'm not really finding much right now. It's kinda sad because I have great things going on. Sometimes I just feel like things are meaningless. Like I have the recurring thought that life is meaningless. It's tough to deal with.

It probably doesn't help that I've been listening to a ton of blues music. Anyway, though, I love the blues. But it seems like my mood has been bad lately. I suppose maybe I'll ask my pdoc for modafinil again.

I am doing well this morning. Went for a run that I did outdoors. That was good.

Hey WA good to see you, glad the run helped. Sorry you’re feeling that way though. I find when I feel things are meaningless sometimes hobbies help. Not always though