Roll Call 203

Well well well. Today was interesting that’s for sure. Had tons of huge orders for huge garage doors, lumber, had to lift 800 lbs of concrete in 8 separate 100lb bags. It was a lot to deal with. It’s a little overwhelming to say the least. I just got home and took a shower. I’m so sore. My feet are swollen and painful and my back hurts. I put some biofreeze gel on my back and feet. It’s like an icy hot type of gel for pain. Idk how long this job will last or if I’ll be able to physically keep up with it. I’m gonna try. But we’ll see. It’s a lot.

I got a $10 tip from a customer today for curbside pickup. I used it to buy some drinks from the vending machine because I was sweating and walking for almost 8 hours straight. I got over 20,000 steps in today.

I have the weekend off work

Are you Sunshine ?

I work 39 hours next week. Which is a ton. I’m gonna have to talk to them after next week about lowering my hours down to about 25 because I can’t be making over a certain amount or it’d affect social security.

I can do one week like that but the rest of the weeks will have to be lower to make up for that. 39 hours is like an hour below full time and I’m part time and they said the position was 25 hours a week

I was able to do some stuff on my own unsupervised at work yesterday. I know I wasn’t perfect but I’m learning. That’s what the first couple weeks are for anyway, learning and asking questions.

I lifted three bags of 80lbs each of concrete. So 240lbs total. By myself.

I’m not trained yet to use the power equipment so I have to ask for help when I need to get stuff that’s unreachable on top stock by a regular ladder. Once I get certified on the power equipment it will save time cause I won’t have to go searching for people to help me that are certified.

I have work tomorrow from 2pm to 10pm. Then I get Wednesday off. I work Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It’s going mostly well, I did take a sick day today because I got zero sleep last night and I figured I wouldn't be productive at all if I was there and I might have had to go up on a tall ladder and that’s not safe on no sleep. I’m not getting in the habit of calling out though. That was the first and last time unless I legitimately get sick at some point like in the winter. I’m just gonna have to get my sleep back on track.

I have bruises all over my legs and arms from lifting 80lb bags of concrete, lumber, garage doors, tile, dealing with pallet jacks etc at work.

Thursday and Friday are gonna suck because I have to head to the bus stop at 4:45am cause I start work at 6am those days. Which means I’ll have to get up by 3 at the latest to get ready and eat breakfast.

I’m still doing my volunteer job too with the cat rescue but on a fill in basis now because my work schedule.

I’m doing mostly good. My mood is good. A little anxious. I have something anxiety provoking to deal with tomorrow morning before work. Other than that I’m good. I’m taking my meds everyday

Im also gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow because I really need some food in the house I’m out of literally everything. I have a few eggs and a biscuit leftover and that’s it.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Tuesday. Shouldn’t be any changes. I’ve been on the increased dose of abilify (30mg) a month now and it’s going well. My other meds stayed the same.

Still waiting to get an appointment with a new therapist since mine died a couple weeks ago.

I went grocery shopping. Got everything on my list. I have work tonight from 2pm to 10pm. I was looking at who was scheduled today and it looks like I’ll be alone from 6pm to 10pm??? I hope that’s not the case because I still do not 100% know what I’m doing. They’re crazy if they think it’s a good idea to leave me on my own for 4 hours on my 3rd day. There’s gotta be someone there anyway cause I probably get my lunch break around 6pm and it’s an hour lunch break. Hopefully someone else is there in fulfillment cause I can’t do it all on my own yet. Basically my work day is 8 hours today but it’s only really 6 hours 45 minutes of work because I get a 15 min break and an hour lunch break.

I'm still here. Doing well. I got social security straightened out so I don't have to be worried or stressed about that anymore. I did have to leave my job because they were giving me way too many hours and I didn't want to risk it messing up my social security when I just got it fixed,

I'm just focusing on volunteering and stuff now. I feel pretty good on the increased abilify.

My meds now are:

1500mg trileptal
30mg abilify
100mg zoloft
100mg thorazine

My mood is good. I'm a lot less unstable than I was a month ago. I'm still feeling a bit impulsive but am working on that. I was like dysphorically manic for awhile, and THC was making it a lot worse especially my paranoia and at one point psychosis.

I'm trying to live a stable life now. Where I take my meds every day, go to sleep every night, do self care, etc and stay away from recreational drug use. I thought I could like do it in moderation but even the tiniest amount can send me straight into mania and psychosis so it's not worth it.

I met my new therapist last week, she seems very nice. I still miss my therapist I had for 8 years that died recently though.

Anyway, I'm still volunteering with the cat rescue. So I have that going on still. I am resuming violin lessons this month since my finances are back on track.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I don't think we'll need to switch the trileptal to lamictal because I seem to be doing well on the increased 30mg of abilify. So that's probably not necessary. Hoping to stay on this combo for a very long time, forever if possible. I've been through so many med changes throughout my life, I'm hopeful that this is the one that I can stay on for years.

I wish I could just be on one or two meds but he said that's not possible in my particular situation. So I just have to accept it.

Hey all, haven't seen a lot of you in a while here, but I wanted to reach back out because, well, I wanted to. I was recently psychiatrically hospitalized for a while so that was part of the reason. And just read an article about how finding support groups is good. So that's good. I suppose so.

I also taught a class on Friday, so I'm pretty proud of myself for having done that because I got out of the hospital on Monday of last week.

I worry about what my neighbors think of me sometimes. I wonder if they think I listen to music too loud. I ruminate a ton. I wonder if that's part of the reason I have depression or rather a depressive diagnosis. I don't know. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I had a therapist once say that rumination actually serves a function. I had trouble believing it.

Hey WA! Sorry you were in the hospital hope you’re feeling better now!

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Hey! Yeah I am feeling better now, thanks, I was in the hospital for 19 days! Mostly it was just boring. I am super glad I am out.

After I got out of the hospital I saw this psychiatrist and she wanted me to do some psychodiagnostic testing, I feel like it is a waste of time, honestly, it seems to me like I should just see my regular psychiatrist and go with that. Honestly, I do not know why I saw this other psychiatrist. My therapist brought it up, but I really, really do not want to do any other psychodiagnostic testing, I mean I think it's really stupid. It could help some people but I've been dealing with mental health stuff for 14 years +. So I don't know if this will help at all. And I don't wanna pay for it either.

It's good to see you WA!

I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes today. I'm gonna do some other exercises later today, yoga, weights, squats and situps. Other than that I plan on cleaning. I didn't sleep well last night. I was up late watching a show called The Boys on amazon prime which my bf recommended to me. I sat outside this morning for an hour and read. Trying to get myself to get out more and get fresh air.

I'm resuming violin lessons this month. I had to take a couple months off them because of financial reasons. My next lesson is on July 16th. Very excited about that. I'm aiming to take 2-3 lessons a month. I recently got some new violin sheet music books:

One is a Disney violin book that has like 72 songs in it, another is a Celtic violin book, another is a Lord of the Rings violin book, and the other one is a fiddler book my violin teacher recommended. That's a good amount of material to work on for the next year. Eventually we'll work on some Lindsey Stirling stuff.
Right now we're working on Vivaldi's concerto in A Minor which is gonna take quite a bit of time for me to learn.

I'm hoping to lose some weight with exercising, but I'm mainly doing it for my mental health because it's good for my mood and anxiety and stress relief. Cause it works really well for those things. There's a significant difference in my mood stability and anxiety on days I exercises versus days I don't. It lifts my mood significantly and makes me happier, prevents my mood from swinging as much, and lowers my anxiety and lessens panic attacks. It also helps with anger and irritability, which I deal with sometimes. It's just all around really good which is why I'm trying to do it everyday.

This might sound gross but I've always struggled with dental hygiene but I've managed to start making it a habit to brush and floss 2-3 times a day every single day. I started doing that thing called habit stacking which is a technique that makes building positive habits easier. So you add something right after a habit that's already ingrained. Since I already have the habit of taking my meds twice a day I just stack brushing and flossing in directly after those times and it is making it easier to stick to it since taking my meds is already such an ingrained habit. It leaves no time to procrastinate and push it off till "later" which usually ends up being never.

On saturday I'm going to a independent cafe/bookstore with my sister to eat and have coffee. It should be fun. I've only been there once when they opened a year ago but it's a really cool place and I love the vibe of it.

my pdoc thinks i have SZA not BP. i guess shes probably right as ive been hallucinating butim not depressed or manic. my mood i fine exept when im hallucinatign i kinda freak out

Actually I guess this could help me so I am going to do it on Friday. I was able to reschedule it without losing my money luckily.

Good for you for exercising, that is great. I am currently in an exercise slump, which means I haven't been doing it, but I know it's good for me.

I think with me my old pdoc said that the difference for me was when I was having psychotic symptoms while not at the same time being depressed, that was what distinguished depression with psychotic features from SZA.

It's all very complicated to me, and I try not to engage in debates with my psychiatrist about diagnosis, which I've been successful at not doing, but sometimes it's scary and complicated for me.

Recently at the hospital they diagnosed me as having Psychosis Not otherwise specified. So, I'm kind of lost.