Roll Call 203

I’m gonna be my own payee! My psychiatrist signed the paperwork today! I just need to bring it, my photo ID and my direct deposit info down to social security next week and it’ll all be transferred over to me.

I discovered I can remote play my Xbox games through my tablet and use the touch screen controls which mimics a Xbox controller. which is so cool especially since my Xbox controller of 6 years broke recently. So that will hold me over till I can buy a new controller and can play on my tv again. I’m gonna get a new controller with my tax refund.

I’m doing well. Decided to increase my violin lessons. So instead of 1 or 2 times a month I’ve been doing I’m gonna do 4 lessons a month going forward. Should be helpful.

Gotta take that paperwork down to social security on Tuesday. I’m hoping they’re not super busy, I’m gonna go/get there as soon as they open.

I have to go get bloodwork done on the 30th for my Dr. appointment on the 15th of January. Retesting vitamin D levels to see where they’re at now with the daily supplement they prescribed.

My dissociation is a lot less frequent. I haven’t dissociated in a month. A whole month. Which is unheard of for me. It generally happened 1-2 times a week at least and at my worst it was happening almost everyday. Idk if it’s due to the EMDR I started with my therapist, that could be it cause we’ve been working on that. Not smoking weed definitely helps too.

We’ve also been working on the impulsivity due to the bipolar part of my diagnosis and the mania that can occur. (I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type). Just working on ways to like not overspend etc.

I’m still volunteering with the cat rescue. Have a shift tomorrow. That’s going well. It’s a lot of fun. There’s this girl who volunteers with me and helps out, she’s in high school. She can only volunteer there if there’s an adult there (such as me) because they don’t let people younger than 18 volunteer alone. So she comes in to help when I’m there. They generally don’t let people younger than 18 volunteer at all but they made an exception for her to as long as there’s an adult volunteer there with her. She’s really nice. She loves all the kitties. Has a bunch of kitties herself. It’s nice to have company, makes the time move quicker. I love volunteering but it does get a little boring when you’re doing it alone. The cats are awesome it’s just nice to have company too.

What else. Let’s see. Yeah doing good. Glad to not be in a relationship anymore that’s for sure. I much prefer being single and feel I’m doing better since I ended my relationship. It was stressing me out. Not to mention the fact that he cheated and didn’t tell me about it till like 3 months after I broke up with him.

I’ve gotten in a good routine with practicing violin.

I have 4 goals right now

1. Maintain a good sleep schedule
2. Keep up with practicing violin. It’s okay if I skip a day once in awhile (very occasionally) if needed but I can’t miss more than that because then it turns into a habit. One day is okay. 2 days starts the spiral into not picking it back up for weeks at a time. It’s okay though not to be so strict on myself where I say I have to practice every single day no exceptions. Obviously I can’t predict everything. Maybe I’ll get sick etc
3. Stay mindful of budget and don’t overspend
4. Brush/floss teeth twice a day

Going to get Chinese takeout on Saturday! General tsos, sweet and sour chicken, egg rolls, steamed dumplings and crab Rangoon

I don’t know if anyone posts in here still but happy new year! I’m going to my local convenience/ice cream shop to get a free large coffee since they’re doing free coffees of any size for New Year’s Eve tonight

Probably have the noro virus. Not feeling great at all. Also had a lot of paranoia and a severe panic attack today. The anxiety is finally starting to ease up a bit. I don't want to jinx myself though. Probably one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a very long time. Combine that with the stomach bug and its not been a good day at all to say the least. I'm doing some retail therapy today though, getting a new smart watch. Actually it's my first smart watch as all I've ever had has been fitbits. So am excited about that. It's not like a apple watch or anything like that it's just a $50 android/ios compatable basic one but it has good reviews and it's beautiful so I'm excited about it

They flew me back to the psych ward in a plane. Lol. I spent New Year's Eve in the ER.

My mom cornered me in the kitchen after I smoked a microdose of DMT and I said "Leave me TF alone" and she then invaded my space, going into my room - So I said "I want to walk in front of a f****** train". Then she was winding me up all night to create drama, they gave me a 5mg Haldol.

I'm okay. Mind is quiet on 4x different antipsychotics. Reminds me of 10 years ago.

The therapist said that there was too much stuff in my head.

Hello everyone, just bored out of my mind. I know it's not a proper way to speak but I hate being bored. I hate being official. I don't know what that really means. It just means that I like more freeform stuff. I like more creative stuff, less bureaucratic stuff. Like less paperwork? Maybe. I don't know. I just don't like signing things. I get super anxious when I have to sign things.

On a positive note I see a new psychiatrist who is in favor of lowering the multiple meds I take. Anyway, that's good because I was on 8 psych meds before and that was burning me out I think.

I know I play around with the idea a lot but I am considering writing a thesis again. Or not. I don't know. It's too hard.

I've completely lost the motivation to clean the apartment. Any tips?

I used to struggle severely with motivation to clean. What helped me was listening to a podcast or YouTube video on my Bluetooth headphones while I do it, or an audiobook. Those distract me enough to make it feel less like work and more fun. Another thing is just cleaning like in 10 min bursts. Set a time for 10 min. Do what you can during that time then stop. Repeat if you want or need to. Take a break in between. But the point is to keep up with daily chores so you don’t have to do a marathon 3 hour cleaning session once a week. Once you get in the habit of doing it it gets easier. Believe me. I never thought I’d be the type to always be organizing and cleaning here and there throughout my days. But I can’t help it now. It’s become routine. I just feel better mentally when things are clean and organized. It takes awhile to build a habit before it takes less effort but eventually with doing it repeatedly it becomes second nature. This is coming from me a person who lived in an apartment and didn’t clean for basically a year when really depressed. Not even sweep. That was at my worst. And I struggled even when I was doing okay because I just lacked motivation for it and it felt like such a hassle. I find motivational YouTube videos on Bluetooth headphones the best for getting me cleaning. Like I love listening to peoples cleaning vlogs where they vlog while deep cleaning or resetting their home/apartment. It’s almost like having an accountability buddy.

That's great! Thank you.

It's been forever since I posted here. I lost a massive amount of weight. The highest weight I was at was 240... I'm down to 130. I'm living with my parents again. Both my parents have cancer. I'm too scared to think about it.

Ugh I don't know now if the 8 meds were helping now. Any ideas on how to figure that out?

Have you gone over your meds with your psychiatrist and asked what is for what and whether or not it's a good idea to come off any of them?

I used to stop my meds randomly but don't anymore as I realize that was making me more unstable and my psychiatrist is really insistent about me not coming off any of them.

8 psych meds is a lot to come off or even lower all at once

You are completely right. The psychiatrist was the one suggesting this. But I switched back to my regular psychiatrist because I was scared of going down on all the meds at once.

In other news, I am listening to the audio Bible in Spanish...

What do you guys do when you think life has no meaning? I have found this to be the case when I am especially bored. I guess I am just looking for more activities to do? It's just hard because both my wife and I are at home "working," and it's hard to come up with things to do other than work.

Also, if anyone finds it of interest, my relationship to ChatGPT and other artificial intelligence tools has changed. I used to think of these tools with a very cynical mindset. I now think that these tools can help people, especially me and others, to think more clearly and with more insight. I'll explain. The thing is with these artificial intelligence tools, that you can expand your mind with them. You can ask them questions, and this will help refine your own understanding. In this sense, I think they're important tools because even if they don't return an exact answer, you can assist yourself in thinking by asking these tools questions.

So for me art and violin give my life meaning. That and volunteering at the cat rescue. Maybe finding a hobby or a volunteer position can help

I get meaning from helping others which I do through work

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

That's awesome. Yeah I feel like whenever I look into doing things on a more regular basis such as music, which I am involved with as well, I get overwhelmed, and I say, "Hey I have to practice guitar for 15 minutes a day" or something like that and I get super perfectionistic about things. Although I'd like to play the guitar a lot, it ends up just getting in my way, in some way. I am not sure how. I'll keep those suggestions in mind though, thank you.

That's amazing. I wish I could say the same thing about my job, even though I do help others. Perhaps I should write some sort of manifesto that says that I actually do help other people through my job. I always think of it as the fact that I am helping them indirectly, but it actually is the case that I help people directly, too. Thanks.