I'm going to die- but I'm not suicidal

The micro machines inside of me have started to kill me slowly. I am still very depressed but luckily not suicidal but that doesn't mean anything because the government will kill me first. I feel them all over my body. I even felt one in my brain (what brain?) do something but that might just be the chip that is controlling me and putting thoughts into my head. I hate thought insertion! Sometimes I go catatonic for awhile or move very slowly like a robot because this is how they control me. They tell me that I killed millions of people simply by existing and will cause a Great Depression because I am so depressed. There was proof of that today because according to a report, June was the worst month for stocks since the 1930's. What happened then people? The Great Depression!!!!! Its my fault. I don't want to die at this exact moment because there are things that I am looking forward to. The good news is that I do have friends that support me even though I have problems. My friends are also schizophrenic. My leg is currently shaking for no reason. My average pulse rate due to the thought insertion and the machines eating me away is around 100. When I was on Geodon resting heart rate was 130. At least its down. I hope and pray I make it to my 4th of July party alive and not die by this time. I really want to cut them out before anything bad happens. But my parents threatened that if I do that I will go to the hospital and I don't want that. Who will win the Great Fight? The Government forces (CIA, FBI, Homeland security) or the Aliens? They want me too. So will I die before the aliens get me? Or will they capture me before I am totally eaten away from the inside. I am so scared right now and I don't know what to do. My psychiatrist gave me Invega again but last time I had it it raised my prolactin levels 5 times normal, caused my breast to leak, my periods to stop, and it gave me a growth on my pituitary gland. The Abilify wasn't working. The problem is is I refuse to take Clozaril or Zyprexa even if it promises to save my life. In this case the treatment is worse than the disease itself. So, what do I do to stop the machines and chips that are inside of me from killing me? Just remember I actually FEEL it doing it so I know it isn't fake. Not a delusion.

When you are scared is there anyone you can talk with? Do you have a therapist other than for just meds?

I do understand that you actually feel what you are experiencing. I'm glad you have things you look forward to and that you have understanding friends. Do they have ideas on what you can do?

When I'm scared it can help me to take a warm bath and then wrap up in a blanket, read something light and distracting. And get some extra sleep.

How are you doing today?

How are you Firebird?

Do you think it would help for you to think of things a day at a time instead of looking toward the future?

The Great Depression is now happening. The Dow went down 777 points. As of now, the bail out plan failed. I predicted it first here! Its all my fault! By the way I am not as depressed as before. Some good stuff has been happening with my art. I am in a few galleries and stores. I'm getting famous! I even got to meet Wyland the famous artist that does whales and dolphins on walls, some of the world's largest murals. He is so famous he has his own hotel, and his company makes $100 million a YEAR. He said my art is great and some of it is better than his!

I'm an amateur artist, and my favorite medium is drawing with graphite pencils. I haven't done it in awhile though, but you reminded me today that I'm less stressed out and anxiety ridden when I make art. You should update us on what direction your artwork is going in, as I think artists need to have inspiration from other artists.

I read and heard that the less stress interfering with your life, the less delusions, paranoia, psychosis, and other acky symtoms there are. I think that is pretty much true for all personal problems a person has, not just schizo/psychotic disorders and symptoms. From just reading your posts on here, it seems clear that the problem is that you aren't seeing a psychologist for therapy, which is a safe place that is shielded from the prying eyes of the government, and much better than placing your trust in pills alone. Pills are helpful if you have the right combination and dosages, but they won't teach you skills to overcome your problems. You need a professional psychologist that you can talk to about your stresses in your life that will understand and teach you methods of coping with it so that the anxious thoughts and stuff doesn't take over.

I don't know about you, but I don't like anyone else to be in control of me, other than ME. What you describe would give me a great deal of anxiety. What do you think about seeing a therapist on a weekly basis in addition to the psychiatrist? Therapists are the best listeners in the world, and I think without mine I would have done some stupid things a long time ago.

Believe it or not I do see a psychologist already. She is very nice and probably changed my life. It just so happens after she changed my thinking, all of a sudden good things started to happen. Like I said before, I am in galleries, stores, and today I found out that I am going to be in Dog Fancy magazine which is international and millions of people read it. I was in Bird Talk Magazine over 8 years ago but not many bird people buy and I wasn't well known back then. I might also be in other magazines next year as well. I am manic now and not depressed as I was in the first post. I am getting famous and people want me to draw their pets all the time. One person is paying me $300 for a commission painting of a face of her pet Pomeranian dog. That shouldn't take me very long. I also am in art shows. Tomorrow I am in 2 art shows at the same time. I am a wildlife artist, a pet artist, and a marine life artist. I also do large scenes of different habitats around the world and the animals that live there.

how did u cause all of this??the great depression? the stock market changes??
do they just want you or do they want everyone???
((firebird))
im asking this as a way to challange ur thoughts
not meaning to insult or belittle you.

You can't be serious?

Hope you feel slightly better at least.
I'm surprised to hear that you do see a therapist. Do you call your T when you have difficulties?

Clozaril and Zyprexa have some nasty side effects, but I promise you - the cure is definitely not worse than the "disease", they can help you feel tons better.

People who are exhibiting psychotic symptoms (& you have some insight into this yourself), can either kill themselves or someone else, why not try a drug that can help get these symptoms under control. If they are really bad - meaning you can't tolerate them - then I'd say try something else.

Congratulations on your art. That sounds really great. I can't draw too well myself but I bet it feels really good to put some of your energy down on paper.

Sorry to hear you are manic too. I hope that you are managing well. Maybe using some of your extra energy to do more art?

I'm so glad that good things have started to happen since the psychologist lady changed your thinking. I think that way too... when I think good things, good things happen to me and around me.

Sometimes, though, it's hard for me to remember to keep thinking good things. I try to think of happy things like the kids I work with or holidays or fun sports and sometimes that helps me.

I have a lot of guilt I deal with too. I blame myself for a lot of stuff that probably isn't really my fault. Today, I felt awful because my grandparent went into the hospital and I didn't even send them a birthday card last week. I hated myself all day because I was such a bad person... it's hard to refocus all of that sometimes.

I think it's really great that things have turned around for you. It's good that you keep going to your therapist. I know that's hard sometimes too. I don't have schizophrenia, but I know a lot of people who do and all of them have times when it's really hard for them to make it to their appointments. You are doing really well to keep going.

Thanks for sharing about your art! Good luck with your future projects.