My Son Is Suicidal

He is 16 years old. Came home today.....at an odd hour....and locked himself in the bathroom. I finally went in. He was very agitated...wouldn't talk. Cried some. After a long time, I got him to talk a little.

He went to the bridge today. He almost jumped. He is lonely and depressed. He said this is the second time in one year that he has walked onto the bridge.

He does not want meds or to talk with anyone. Wants to talk with his online friend more. He says she helps him.

I feel bad for his pain. I attempted suicide this past summer. I feel like my genes have cursed my poor son. I want him to be safe, but I do not want to thrust treatment on him.

I would like to ask for your prayers for Ben. I will try to provide all the support I can for him, and I would be ever so grateful for continued prayers from any of you who feel led to help in this way.

Thank you so much.

Sandy

Oh gosh This is so sad.

I will definitely pray for him. Please try to talk him into getting help if you can!

When it comes to suicide, all bets are off, honey. You have to do what it takes to preserve his life right now until he's safe enough to do it himself.

This is tough. My heart is really with you on this.

~Angela

sandy....
i can relate to your son in many ways... when i was his age i too walked to a bridge, (freeway overpass) i would find comfort there, and i would go there over and over to get closer to actually jumping.
you could either hope and pray it will pass, or you can try to help him.
its a very touchy thing cuz you dont wanna set him off... maybe you better get him checked into a psych hospital... he may hate you for it, but at least he will have somewhere to direct that feeling instead of turning it in on himself.

Ben has my prayers and so do you...some situations are beyond our control and that is the worst..but i can promise that i will be praying for you both
love,
grace

sandyweb,

you have my prayers! i'm so sorry that this is happening. if he's currently suicidal, and will not allow treament, it may be forced until he can better keep himself safe? i hope that's not necessary.

safe wishes to you and your son,

kd

Sandy,

I am going to tell you about my little brother. I want you to understand it's just my family's experience and maybe won't apply to your son, but maybe it will.

He got locked up in juvi, just for weekends, when he was like 17 for failing to obey the rules of an agreement he made with a judge. My mom had told the courts that he wasn't attending school (that was part of the agreement he violated). She didn't know any other way to get him off the destructive path he was on, and she was worried sick about him. She went to see him at juvi and he was mad at her. He told her he was going to kill himself. She then made him even angrier. She told the officers at juvi that he was suicidal and they put him on a suicide watch. He didn't get to leave juvi when he was supposed to, and he was constantly monitored. He was so angry with my mom then. He cried and told her she hated him, and it broke her heart. Then he wouldn't speak to her. After he got out, he was still mad at her, but he spoke to her again.

It wasn't until like a year later that he broke down crying again and told her that he knew she did it because she loved him, and he was glad she saved his life.

He loves her so much and he appreciates her violating his confidence, because if she hadn't, he might not have lived to be angry with her. My brother is not angry anymore, and he's alive.

Angela

My goodness, that's horrible. I would do things like that as a teenager too.

I'd hate to set him off but if his safety is at risk, you have to do what you think is right (that might mean forcing him into hospital or therapy or even installing a keystroke recorder on your computer to monitor him). Maybe he would be willing to join into some type of family therapy if he won't do it alone. The fact that he doesn't hide it from you must mean he trusts you. I don't know what to say.

Wishing your family the best.
-Jeff

I think I may be of some help because I am 16 myself. No matter who it would be, if you know of a suicidal person, they need some help. It's already a great thing that he's able to open up to you and tell you these things now. That makes things go along easier. He might be angry at first, but that won't be him speaking. It seems that you're a supportive parent, that's good too. I know my mother wasn't, and that resulted in me leaving therapy 5 sessions in. But enough about me, your son now. He needs to be in a safe place. Most people are irrational when they're upset. Hospitalization might seem drastic, but you never know. So..that's just my thoughts. It's better he gets help now than find out later. My best wishes with you. So sorry about your son.

Sorry to hear of the troubles you are facing. IMO a 16 year old doesn't know what he/she wants, and certainly not what he/she needs! You are the parent and have to make the adult decision here. These feelings don't go away by themselves, now do they? They are caused by something, and suicide is improper coping. Remember depression causes us to think illogically. Medication helps many to begin thinking logically again. Make the call now!

Hello Sandy -- I can't add anything to the well informed opinions here. Only my prayers for both of you.

Sandy, I'm so sorry. When I was in my early 20s, I told my mother I was ready to kill myself. She started to cry and went completely to pieces. I'll never forget that moment and it changed my mind.

I am so sorry Sandy. Kids are impulsive by nature and really don't get the whole death is a permanent solution thing. My son was also suicidal and I had him hospitalized. He was okay with it. You may tell him that he has to make a no suicide contract with you and agree to counseling or you will have to save his life and have him admitted. Don't do it as a threat but as I am so worried and I love you and would be devastated if anything happened to you and as your mom I have to keep you safe and these are your choices. I only later learned that my son is bi-polar and at that time was horribly bullied at school. Please help him to be safe.

My thoughts are with you and your son, Maybe you could talk about how much you care about him and would hate loosing him, and because of that you feel you have to do somethings he might not like, such as finding him a psyc, maybe find someone that specializes in teen boys, get him involved in the search for someone HE likes, I know from experience that if I don't like the person I won't open up. My dad was really helpful and found a lady who works with "young women" just for me she had a therapy dog and if I didn't feel like talking she'd let me pet the dog that day or talk to her through the dog I really liked her and having the dog there was wonderful it would always sigh after I got big emotions out.

Sandy - This is serious. Holding his hand, and listening, are not suffcient. If a child admits to being suicidal, and the parent does not get that child help ASAP, in the US, that parent would be considered neglectful by Child Protective Services. I would assume something similar would happen in CA.

I'd suggest starting with his school, since they need to know to monitor him during the day. They may also be able to connect you with a psychologist for him, or your T can help with that. If not, try this link or do some research on your own.

http://www.cecw-cepb.ca/Other/ProvAssistance.shtml

Sorry to be so harsh, but I don't mess around with this topic. Please take care of your son.

emmy

I want to thank everyone for your messages. They really were helpful.

My son and I have always had a very wonderful relationship. I've always marvelled that my two teenagers still LIKE me. *smile* They still hug me and tell me EVERYTHING and like to be cuddled in return. I don't know what I did to make them so loving towards me, but I am blessed to have these two fantastic kids!

It took about two hours of sitting with my son...talking, rubbing his back, holding his hand, brushing his hair...telling him that I was on his side and would support whatever he told me.....and finally, little by little, he told me what he was going through. By the end of the afternoon, he was no longer acting aggravated and he was smiling instead of crying.

As for myself, I have not been suicidal for a few months now. Meds have worked wonders for me. But now I have gotten a large dose of what it would feel like to lose a loved one to suicide.....and even though I know he would go to Heaven.....it still makes me feel responsible for his death if for no other reason than I passed on my defective genes to him.

Ben is absolutely against drugs.....good and bad.....doesn't even like to take a Tylenol. And I support his decision....because I know of the nightmare of trying to find the right meds for a person. I hope he never has to go through that!

His talk therapy seems to be the girl he chats with online. As long as his grades remain good, I said that he could stay on until 9pm each night. I am sooooo happy he has someone to open up to and be accepted by.

I can't help feeling a ball of fear in my tummy. 16-years old is a dangerous time. Suicide can be impulsive, and things change so quickly when you're a teenager. I didn't become suicidal until I was 39-years old!! I can't imagine still being a kid....with the hormones and social environments wrecking havoc with you....and also feeling hopeless.

We will be moving this summer, and I told him that this would be a chance to re-invent himself. We'll be in a new area...nobody will knows us....and he can become a new person, if he chooses. I asked if that maybe gave him some hope? How often do we get to re-invent ourselves? I pray God directs us to a new environment where Ben will be able to flourish.

Thanks again for all the messages! I'm scared....but I have to believe that Ben will grow stronger. Thank you for your prayers.

Hugs,
Sandy

Sandy,
I'm glad he was able to open up to you, and that you both are feeling a bit better about it. I know you are a loving parent. I imagine this was quite frightening. I just want to encourage you to get professional help as well as providing your own support. This is not easy, and it will be hard on you, too. Internet chat is NOT therapy. It can help, but it is NOT therapy. He needs to see a professional. I can respect his decision about meds, but therapy can really help, too. Please try to find him a T.

And make sure you are taking care of yourself, too. You know the old airplane routine. You have to put your own oxygen on first, before trying to help others.

(((Sandy and Ben)))

gg

I'm glad things seem to be working out, monitor him close. The signs of depression are easy to see, as you probably know, if you feel he's in danger again, then it will be best to get help.

I'm not sure if he's 'healed' and 'going to be okay' now all of the sudden though. I think you know that too, by your fear. Talk to him about getting help.

To offer my point of view, being his age and previously situation, the feelings won't go away. They will wax and wane, but not go away. Without dealing with them very deeply (Cos he won't take meds, don't blame him though) then he's not solving the root of his problem. It might take a professional, not friends online. They're support, not the solution.

Whatever you decide for the welfare of your son, I pray it work. G-d be with you and your son. *hug*

Thanks again for all your responses.

Well, tomorrow is the start of a new week....and I have to send my son out into the world again. I actually kept him home on Friday....didn't even bother to wake him up.....because I thought it would be safer to keep him home.

I don't want to do anything that will cause my son to not trust me. If that happens, he won't talk to me anymore....and I am blessed that he actually WILL talk with me.

I asked him what triggered his suicidal impulse last Thursday. He went to his morning class....and then saw some kids making out. He left and walked to the bridge to jump....because this made him feel lonely.

I asked him what would happen when he saw kids making out again....and he said that he didn't know. But I know that he wants to get back home at the end of the day in order to chat with his online girl friend.

I feel so sad for my son.

Please keep up your prayers.

Thank you.

Sandy

Sandy,

Your son needs more than prayers. He needs help. And not the wait and see help of a mother who is fighting her OWN mental illnesses....but the help of professionally trained persons to assess his condition.

Walking to a bridge to jump after seeing other kids make out IS NOT NORMAL adolescent behaviour. It is not a healthy way to handle feeling lonely. He needs HELP WITH THIS!!!

I do not think your job is to be your son's friend but instead to protect him. And yes in the USA in many states a parent would be found neglectful for not seeking help for a minor who expresses suicidal ideation. I would hope that provincial laws provide similar protection for children in CA.

I am not sorry to be blunt here but your own experiences imnsho are clouding your approach to handling this situation.

Please seek outside help. As angry as I am about the time I spent locked up in a psych ward as a suicidal teen it kept me alive. ALIVE Sandy. I can guarantee you if I hadn't been in those locked facilities but instead in the care of my mother I would have been successful in dying. My depression at that age was severe. As for how depressed your son is be it mild or severe..........it isn't up to you to dx him or gauge the severity of it.........get a professional involved here!

Hi Zen,

Thank you for your concern. Believe me, I'm not taking this situation lightly. I have an appreciation of what is driving my son...being that I went through it myself not too long ago.

I actually will be contacting my T tomorrow and asking to see her IMMEDIATELY. I need to brainstorm with her for ways that we can keep on eye on my son without him feeling he has lost his trust and outlet with me. I'm thinking one way would be for his teachers to call me as soon as he doesn't arrive to class. I'm hoping my T will have other ideas as well.

My son is not displaying any aggitation now....we seem to have resolved that after he opened up to me about what he was going through. I think he trusts me enough to talk.

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I have a lot of faith in my son's inner strength. We'll get through this.....and if that means calling in help for my son.....then I will most certainly do that if I feel he is no longer safe in his environment.

Thanks guys.

Sandy

Sandy

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this with your son. I have to totally agree with zen's opinions. Aside from that, I will keep the both of you in my prayers. Please keep us posted with your situation.

I have not read all the replies you have received yet, so I hope what I have to say is not a repeat. If it is a repeat, maybe that is for a reason.

I was suicidal when I was 16 and on.... My Mother found out. She tricked me into therapy (disguised it as family therapy). She didn't know any better at the time, but that was a bad move.

My suggestion is this. Your son has already opened up to you a bit. Spend time with him and try to get him to open up again. If he doesn't and you are still worried about him, tell him he has a choice. Talk to you or someone else. Suicidal thoughts are serious. Sometimes people who do not truly mean to kill themselves actually do die.

I too will pray for you and your son.

In my opinion, I would rather have my son be my enemy for a while and alive than my friend and dead. He will thank you for it later.

I hope you were able to contact your T and get some guidance for helping your son through this rough time in his life. Take care.

Hi everyone,

I didn't call my T yesterday. I took my son to the children's hospital for a psych assessment instead.

It went wonderfully. We were blessed with the particular crisis social worker that we had.

We have a Plan A and a Plan B.

I'm so proud of my son!

Thanks for your prayers.

Hugs,
Sandy