competition is fierce

this thread about competition/comparing started in the SI section but i didn't want to hijack it so i'm posting my follow-up thoughts here.

sometimes i feel angry with myself for not being psychotic enough because it makes me feel like it is my fault that people (in the past) said horrible things to me like i was just "trying to get attention" when i was hurting bad and terrified by what was happening to me and no one would believe me. i feel like if i could only be sicker then people would take me seriously. i feel like an oyster making the biggest, blackest, ugliest pearl i can hoping someone will want it bad enough to pry me open for it. when i say things like that i don't even know where they come from; it is like i am "channeling" myself almost. they just come out of me and seem so perfect i get riveted, like narcissus staring at his reflection. i wonder if the reason some psychotics end up tearing off their clothes and walking around that way is because like me they want their naked souls to shine and burn the eyes of all watching. i feel infectious and predatorial. a gleam of malevolent praeternatural intelligence looking to feed and reproduce itself by infecting new hosts.