Olympic Pendulum Swinging Competition

**Icon applied for brief mention of cutting...

I feel as though I have been swinging on a pendulum this past week. With T away I have gone through the full range of emotions. This morning I wrote him a letter in my journal. It was a "Dear John," (or Dear T) that articulated all the reasons I am quitting therapy. This letter follows:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am writing to tell you that I no longer with to be in therapy with you. I am quitting. I don’t know what is appropriate but two weeks notice feels like the right amount. I have attached a check for $200 and I will send another $200 to cover next week when I get paid.

I suppose I should tell you why I am quitting. I cannot tolerate the pain of the relationship any longer. It hurts way too much—more than I can bear. I know that when you left we talked about a number of things in the last few sessions. I felt very, very close to you and safe in the relationship. Then you left, and I had an extremely difficult weekend and cut myself twice on my leg. I know we both challenged me toward increased self-care in your absence but I just couldn’t do it. I feel like such a failure in your eyes.

Yesterday I went to the doctor to follow up on my thyroid. There are new, complex nodules that she is concerned enough about to want to biopsy them. So, today I have to have a fine needle aspiration biopsy in her office. I am panicked on some level, because I hated the last procedure—it hurt.

I called you on the way back from the doctor’s and I said I would love to talk to you for five minutes. I know I said that if you didn’t have the time to call back I would understand. Nonetheless I am hurting so badly that you didn’t. I feel as though I am not significant enough for you to spare five minutes for me. I know it’s your vacation but I feel like here we go again because when I was leaving your office last week you said to call if I needed. Well, I did and you didn’t call back. This is a pattern of mixed messages that I can’t endure any longer. So, I guess I was wrong in my estimation. I don’t understand. I am so confused. I feel so very stupid.

There is a certain truth that I crave. It is a self-truth and a truth in the relationship that is us. But the closer I get to these truths, the further away I want to push because as I begin to know, my self doubts, my pain begins to feel unbearable.

Miss Charlotte

PS You just called so you can cancel this letter.!!!!!!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



Okay I am going to enter the Olympic pendulum swinging competition. Anyone want to join me? I challenge you all!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm SO glad T called! It must have been really nice to connect with him in the middle of his absence. I hope it soothed you a bit.

Good luck with the biopsy.

I'm glad he called, even though you said he didn't have to.

Writing the letter was a really good idea! I find that when I get very upset, especially angry, if I write everything that I am feeling, I can step back from it a bit better and figure out what's going on and how I want to handle it.

I hope your needle biospy goes well.

You know I love you, and you know how much empathy I have for you....

....but I am hysterical laughing. And you know exactly why. ROFLMAO.

xoxoxoxo
((((((((((((((((((miss))))))))))))))))))))

Hon, hoping the biopsy goes ok - breathe!!! Wish i could be with you so you wouldn't be alone =(
Why do t's have to be gone with the WORST stuff possible comes down the line?!?!? Honestly! All my scary appointments are next week and T will be gone AGAIN!!! I see her wed. and she is gone. I did have a confirmed T sighting from my case worker (love that) but then I have to face all the scary stuff alone (par for the course, eh?).
I was amazed by your "Dear John" letter - will you still give it to him? I agree on the mixed messages. It seems like it when we can't get needs met right away. And yet I know they're busy. I do hope you're ok, miss. Thinking about you!!!

kiya

Hey thanks guys. It was so nice that T called me and he told me to call again when I get the results, and leave a message.

Oh, Kiya I will defnitely NOT give him the letter. Haha. In my journal it will stay.

Just when I thought I was completely abandoned, he showed up, by calling me! And H did too (came home early from work to come with me).

The biopsy sucked. It was painful.

Yeah, today the pendulum is sort of hanging in the middle. I feel pretty good.

Peaceout