[Lenighma]

I've been homeschooled since...forever. I know nothing else. For the longest time, since I can remember, I have wanted to go to public school. And no. It was not because every girl my age was in school, but simply because I wanted to go.

Since I can remember, I found the pros and cons of school outrageously fascinating. I still remember telling myself that if I were to go to school, I would try to especially befriend the outcasts. Silly, naive little me...I didn't care about the fact that bullies would probably bully me. I didn't care about the "Fab" students, most especially girls, who would probably attack me with their vicious words and spiteful actions. They enthralled me. I would watch stupid TV movies like Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleading Scandal (based on a true story, by the way) and be eager to experience something like this for myself-- being part of those who try to stop girls like these. And then...being seriously depressed that I wasn't able to be a part of art class...music class...drama club...or even something as simple as riding a buss to school. All of the things I couldn't do at home or my family couldn't afford.
...
Unfortunately, my feelings for all of these things have not changed...
In 2002, I was able to get a semi-public school experience when my community made a building into what was called the Homeschooling Network where children from 6 to 12 (...or was it 15...) would participate in group activities, classes and whatnot similar but nothing like a public school for seven hours. For one, I knew every one of the students in the whole building and there were only maybe a total of 20 kids. But I was the class clown, of sorts, and ended up blocking out a lot that happened during that time out of my memory. I hated those two years.
But now I find myself wishing that something like that for kids my age happened again.

To make a long, pathetic story short amiss the fact that I have been homeschooled my whole life, I can't work at home anymore. I'm easily distracted (I can't even focus on personal work, like my writing, which is ludicrous) and find the home environment itself to be a huge distraction. My mother thinks otherwise...and now I'm not even sure if I'm doing this to myself or there really is something wrong. I don't want to say "wrong"...but I don't know what else to use. Now I'm 17-- 17, and I'm nowhere NEAR out of high school. I am less than "unschooled", in my opinion, and I see no way out of this and simply no future for myself at all.
To rub it all in, a 13-year-old girl in my community who I've known for years just finished her GED and is probably going to college soon. I swear...I am so...so very ashamed of myself. I've broken down crying just by the thought of it all. I think...if only I wasn't me, I'd probably be done with my education, now, too. My mom told me so.

...Now, think about it. I've already been asked "Why don't you just go to public school now?" The reason why I can't is because if I were to go now, I'd be a complete failure, more than the one I am now! Half of the things they'd probably teach for my grade (and I don't even know what grade I should be in) I probably don't know. But I can't motivate myself to do anything. I even tried to walk downtown to the library not too far from my home to concentrate there-- but I can't motivate myself to go anymore. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't see much of a reason to do them anymore. I don't even know why I think this way...but I feel as if I, personally, have tried everything I can without coming upon a personal roadblock due to lack of...whatever this is.

...Sorry if I bored you all with my long story...I just...had to get it all out...
I'm willing to hear what anyone has to say about all of this...and thank you for reading if you actually have.
...To the moderators...sorry...

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this predicament. Some school districts have alternative education programs for students who need more individualized help. Does your town have a charter school? Many times these schools work very individually.

(((((Lenighma))))))))))) I do not think you are a complete failure at all. I know that how it may feel to you. Your writing is wonderful. You express yourself great.
I have a feeling if you took a placement test you would see you would do very good. Not forsure as i am not a teacher
They would test you to see. There is hope. You may find you test above the kids in school.
you said (((I can't even focus on personal work, like my writing))) you did a great job with this as i said. Your spelling is way better than mine .
If you are having a hard time focusing have your Dr check for ADD? Just a thought as i am not a DR.
Please never be sorry here. Your post is wonderful.
I agree with ((farmergirl))) check your local school if you can and see what they can do.

[Mysterious]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I was also home-schooled my entire life. I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I attempted to go for the GED but I was terrified that I would fail, have to wait 6 months and attempt it again...not to mention humiliate myself. I was not motivated to keep up with the studying. I knew I needed to do it, but I just couldn't. My sister use Penn Foster, and she got her high school diploma, so I gave it a shot. You have 2 years to finish, and you can pay a little extra for an extended period of time. If you do payment plans, its $39 a month. You have to keep paying it off, or else they can drop you and continue cashing in on the payments. That motivated me. I'd hate to lose out on all that money!! I finished and got my diploma in a little less than a year. You should check it out, it's pretty easy and it doesn't take long. Then if you want to you can go on to college, or whatever you want to do with your life. http://pennfoster.edu
Good luck! You can do it

[googley]

I'm sorry you are feeling so distressed. For more education that is outside your local school district you might want to check out a local community college if you have one in your area. Often they have tests you can take that will place you in the right class. It will let you know what level you are at and how far you have to go to be able to get your GED. There will be a lot of different levels of people in those classes. You will have a structured environment and can get advise on what are the best classes to take. You may even be able to get the local school district to pay for the classes through a program that lets high school students take classes there. (I don't know if your school district does, but mine did.) Good luck.

[lywilliams]

I am a teacher. Education is my field of expertise. It is not too late. You should enroll. You will not be a failure and the school should offere every assistance possible to get you on tract.

[lywilliams]

You should enroll and talk to the guidance counselor and tell them your unique situation. One of the advantages of public school is that there are more opportunities for assistance in place for students who have holes in their education. This is actually a common situation for anyone that moves from one school to another.

[Rmdctc]

I agree the school will help you. I bet they will make a plan for you and get you on track. You don't have to tell any of the students how old you are just say you transfered in from another school and leave it at that. I really hope you try to at least find out what grade your at and see what the schools can offer.