[LittleForgetMeNot]

School.. such a hurdle for me. I know I should go, I know it's good for me and I should just get up and GO. But i can't. i get up at 7 to put my brother on the bus and then as soon as he's gone it's like bam and depression hits and i just wanna sleep or loose myself on the internet.

My academic life is suffering but as this has been going on for 4 years now, no one knows what to do..

[(JD)]

You, my dear, are the one who has to "do" anything. From my perspective, you aren't doing what you know to be good for yourself because of how poorly you feel about yourself.

You say you can't get to school, but yet you can get your little brother off to school? How sweet of you, truly! You care about your brother, and you put yourself into showing that. It also shows you are able to take care of yourself, as well.

The problem is, you don't want to? For some reason you feel you aren't worth the effort, perhaps? What if you had someone to put you "on the bus" to get to school? What if you and your little brother could talk about how important it is, even when we don't want to go. What would his response to you be?

What does he think about you not going to school, not following what you know to be good for you?

Sometimes we just have to do what we know to be right, and in our own best interest. Your first step is to get to school. Next, I'd talk to those in authority there and find out how you can obtain some counseling support to help you not only keep going to school, but to be able to enjoy it and feel good about yourself.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I don't really know how I feel about myself, everyday I need to remind myself about all the things I'm good in but I usually stay neutral about it.. meaning I'm not bragging or thinking I'm better or deserving, but I don't feel worthless either. I'm just sort of like "Okay, this is what I am. What's the big deal?"

I do care about my brother, no matter how messed up I get I can't bring people down with me. Putting my brother on the bus to school is more than just I care for his education.. it is the whole base that keeps my family afloat. For years now my Dad had been coming to work late just so he could bring my brother to school, but since they got new owners, they got new rules and they have put their foot down and said he would be fired if he comes late again. So I have to put my brother on the bus, for if my Dad does it and gets fired, it's pretty much over for my family.

My brother doesn't really understand anything, to be honest. He's 9 years old but he was diagnosed with MID and slight Autism. So he just doesn't really.. get it. He doesn't ask me if I went to school ever, he doesn't really ask me much of what I did at all or what I do. Usually when we interact it's about him, so I'm sure he doesn't know that I don't go to school.

I've had teachers call my house before, asking to talk to my Dad and I want them to talk so he can explain to them my problem and maybe set something up that could help me, like you said, and I've told him that.. but he'll either ignore their calls or forget about them. It's frustrating, honestly.

[(JD)]

You're 15 and that's plenty old enough to talk to adults at school about needing someone to talk with! Do you have a favorite teacher (even if not for the current school year)? I'm sorry you are having to be a parent in the family, for you and your brother. Get this done as well ... get to school, or call the office and keep asking until someone helps you. You're worth it.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Well I told my english teacher (also my homeroom teacher) that i was depressed and prone to skipping days in the past. she didn't really do anything.. at all. and im not really sure how to go about talking to someone at school. im in the middle of getting a psychiatrist though i dont really know how they're gonna help me cause my dad has studied a lot in psychology and i know all my problems and i know what im suffering with but im still unable to get over it. my dad is the best influential speaker i know, and he has pulled people out of depression before, but for me, it just has no affect.. no matter what people say or what i even tell myself.

i have an older friend who works in that whole field and works with counselors all the time, and i talk to her about my problems sometimes too, but they dont really have an affect either.

[(JD)]

I think what you need --er WHO-- you need is someone not connected to family and friends, and someone you see consistently.

It's totally different to know something and to be able to apply to yourself and obtain good results! You need someone who will work through your issues with you, not just understand them, imo.

Keep asking adults at school. Do you have a visiting counselor or nurse? Can you ask in the admin office for someone to talk to (not necessary to share your problems, but to ask for their help in finding you someone to talk with.)

Keep asking until someone helps!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

At the moment there is no one I see on a regular basis that isn't connected to my family or my friends in anyway.

I don't know about nurses, but I know that we have guidance counselors. However, all my life I HAVE had Child services talking to me, setting me up with counselors and bringing in people, but they either stopped the appointments, or they would yell at me.. literally, I was brought to tears because one of the people they brought in just kept yelling at me..

My Dad, while we had the Children's AID workers come, would sugar coat EVERYTHING and they only ever spoke to me alone once, when I was 8. My Dad, though trying to help, isn't sportive of me at all when it comes to third party help and it puts me off looking. When I asked him to help me find a psychologist or psychiatrist he just questioned me, unconvinced that they could do anything for me besides put me on medication which isn't what either of us want.

My Dad kind of shooed the workers away, when I was doing good in school a few months ago. I watched the woman leave feeling really horrible inside while my Dad was happy they were finally gone. I knew my problems weren't fixed yet, but she was lead to believe, by my dad, that it was.

The last person I have is the 27 year old woman who I'm in the big sister/ little sister program with. She is more of an outsider in the whole thing and I'm sure i mentioned before works with girls in group homes who suffer with similar issues.. the thing though is that I see her twice or three times in a year and that's just about it. She's not around enough to help..

I know I'm capable of finding help for myself.. but depression makes me not wanna go to school or really talk about it to people in real life. Plus it's not like I can just walk into my office and say I'm depressed and need someone to talk to, can I? The only way that would happen is if I stopped by AFTER school.. but I would need to come with my Dad and it would probably turn out really bad.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I think you can just walk into the office & say you are depressed & you need someone to talk to. There may be a more subtle way to do it, but the important thing is that it gets done. You could try imagining that you are doing it for your brother instead of yourself. That technique has helped me sometimes. I have trouble doing things to take care of me too. When it is particularly difficult, I just ask myself what would I do if my daughter was in this situation? That helps me to see what the sensible action is, instead of the self destrucitve course of action, which I am good at taking. Hope this helps.

[notablackbarbie]

(((LittleForgetMeNot)))I can relate to this too. We want to cheer on our younger siblings cuz we see all this potential! And children are our future! And we love them and are happy to see them progress! But
us...is there really any point when we are so behind and bad, right? maybe? kinda? *SIGH* The good news is that you are still in highschool, so there is still time and potential in you too. I would try the school front office too. The least they could do is hand you some resources ("heres a pamplet & some numbers") to contact someone that could help. Or you may actually get redirected to someone willing to listen...You could also try contacting your "big sister". That relationship doesnt HAVE to just be "ima-take-u-to-the-movies-once-in-a-while-and-after-lets-eat-and-chat-for-a-bit" a couple of times a year. That relationship can include a lot of availiable resources on hand that she could give u to help alongside her care and just being there. While i see that you feel really alone, the reality is more like you actually aren't. IDK if this helps at all, could be somthing to consider......

[LittleForgetMeNot]

yeah, the last time i seen that "big sister" we talked about my mother and i told her about my depression, computer addiction, not going to school, etc. i only went over the basics and past, but things that still related to the present. she listened and was careful with her words, and offered to find me a counselor if i wanted. I have yet to take her up on that offer since I have yet to see her again, but i have considered it a lot.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

So, the guidance counselor at my school phoned my house today. I wouldn't have picked up usually but today I did for some reason. She spoke to me, asked me if I was okay, if it was the same problems as before, the reason why I'm not going.

She asked me if I would like to go back to another alternative program, and I wanted to say yes BUT I'm scared of how it will be at a new program. I was lucky at my old one, they had the best lunch program and the best teachers ever and I know that a different program just wont match and I don't want to go to a different one but my old one is probably not an option.

So she asked me if I would rather continue regular high school and again I said I didn't know.. so she offered to just contact my teachers, have them give her my missed work and I could pick it up and do it at home until we figured out something to do.

She gave me her number, but promised to call me back later. So, that's my progress?