WTF was I thinking? Applied for College for the 2nd time

Being Bi-polar I can be pretty damn impulsive. It's caused me more trouble than anything in the past few years. I either do it impulsively and decide in a second or I get stuck trying to decide.

Well, I'm un-employed now, and I've applied for SSD and disability that was available through my job. I had a hell of a time keeping my job and managing my bi-polar at the same time. Felt good yesterday, feel like complete **** today. I get up in the morning and pretend that everything is okay.
Then I get home and the real me comes out. I haven't seen my friends for almost a month. I just don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything that I don't have to do. I feel safer at home, because if I get close to breaking out in tears or rage after being happy and laughing 30 mins. ago, then it's okay because no one will think I'm ****ing loony.

Well, that's all beside the point. But anyway, I had been thinking about going back to school to make a career change. I applied to my local community college and could have went if I just would have taken the placement test. The problem is I have test anxiety and I also told myself that I couldn't afford to go. That was in 2010.

Well, fast forward until today. I thought to myself, let me just go and talk to a guidance counselor. So I went to get some career advice, and I didn't talk to a counselor. I left having signed up for school!

I felt good the first hour after doing that, then I felt okay the 2nd hour.
And then fast forward 3 hours later and I asked myself "WTF did I just do!"
How did I walk in the door and walk out having signed up. Thankfully I didn't walk into a military recruiting center!

I don't know how I'm going to manage if I'm barely paying the rent, I have no support to back me up financially. And my emotional support is VERY limited. How the hell am I going to manage myself, pay bills, and go to school without being overwhelmed? Sometimes I feel like I'm not the same person, like I'm subdivided and sometimes a part of me takes over and just does **** without me noticing. Lets not even touch the subject of drugs and alcohol.

Managing all of this **** is going to be crazy! I already have a hell of a time in my interpersonal life. I'm extremely embarrassed to be so emotional for a man. Most men portray strength by being in control of their emotions and being able to support others. I don't know. I feel some things so strongly.
I swear I can feel peoples pain sometimes.

I just thought to myself "Why am I posting this?" Well, I didn't think this through. But that's me! Oh well.

Maybe that lapse in judgement was actually a moment of clarity.

What about talking to the school about financial aid?

Thank you. Yes, I'm going to do that. But the main problem I'll have is paying my living expenses though.

Can you get a job under the table somewhere? I used to waitress at a bar under the table.
the tips were awesome.

Well, I gotta watch out though because it's possible I might get disability and or government assistance. I do have trade skills that I can use to make extra $. Don't want to get locked up. But I'm not trying to take advantage of the system either.

I just want a chance to get myself together. Otherwise I'll prob. get fired from the next job.

If you do decide your decision wasn't wise, don't you have a time period where you can drop out without penalty?

Yeah, it's not set in stone yet.

When they send me approval I have to go down and take some placement tests. I could do like the last time and just not go and take them.

Not sure if that's the best choice though. My biggest concern is having to
support myself, and try to go to school, all while managing my bi-polar.

It's apparent to me that I'm going to have to learn to manage my bi-polar and multiple things in life eventually. It's just that right now I'm in a really bad situation.

I've been wishing that I get approved for assistance so I wouldn't have to try to work a really demanding job full time and then go and try to go to school.

Sadly, I dropped out of a course in vocational school due to the above concerns. I probably would have been better off had I finished that class.

It would be great to have the chance to use the system the way it's meant to be used, to get up off the ground and back on your feet.

But who knows.....
Most don't understand how difficult it is to get yourself together and get off to a good start when you battle a mental health condition. Trust me, I have no plans on collecting checks and just laying around watching TV for the rest of my life. I've dreams that I'd like to pursue. Without those dreams there would be a high probability that I would try to kill myself again.

Sounds grim, but I'm just being honest.

I hear you. Can you get some emotional support from the college for your efforts? Are you seeing a therapist? It's hard for someone without a mental illness to work full-time and go to school, too. So, no wonder it's a struggle for you. Any scholarships you can apply for? Government support for schooling? It would be nice, I'm sure, not to feel so much pressure.

Emotional support? Thank you for yours!
Not sure about how I would get it from the college, I hide my problems
because I don't want anyone to know of course.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. The last bit of advice she gave me was that I prob. won't get any kind of disability. She also said that more than likely I'd have to work a full time job and go to school. She suggested that I just do one or 2 courses a semester.

I told her that I don't want to be in school for a really long time. Preferably, I'd be able to focus on school and put forth enough effort so I wouldn't be going for years. She told me that a lot of people have to work one or even two jobs while going to school. She pointed out that she did it too.

Maybe it's my reactionary attitude, but I didn't find anything in what she said helpful at all. I was still lost as to what the hell I should do.

financial support would be a good thing

financial aid would be a good option

I understand, too, that you don't want to drag out your schooling too long, but you might try cutting back on your course load, as the counselor suggested. It would be better to do that and be able to get your degree than to keep having to drop out, methinks. You'll just have to see how much you can handle, given your particular challenges. (We all have to do that to some extent, even if it doesn't deal with going to school.) You might consider starting out slowly, anyway, and see how that goes.

If you are not ready for it, don't force yourself to do it. I've done that many times, and have $10,000 worth of student loans and no degree. I've started classes, and never gone back. Now that I think of it, whenever I've really attempted college, my car has broken down. I've always had 20 year old cars, and big things crap out on them like fuel pumps and alternators. I'd struggle to get to school for awhile and end up exhausted after riding the train for 3 and 1/2 hours everyday while everyone else in my school are driving brand new cars and such. It's not just about paying tuition which is so expensive and rising. Not all of us can live with our parents. Not all of us have the motivation or energy to work 2 jobs and go to school. Not all of us have at least decent support systems. Don't beat yourself up. Take care of one thing at a time. You can drop your classes for now. No penalties for dropping early enough. No harm in admitting that you are not ready. Set up your circumstances so that you are better able to succeed in college. If you have to wait a little, it's ok.
What do you want to study? Maybe there is an online program. Many reputable universities are offering more and more full degree programs 100% online. What is your financial aid situation? If you can barely afford your rent, chances are you qualify for some grants and low interest federal loans.

Yes, starting out slowly sounds like a good idea. But what she suggested was WAYYYYY to slow. I don't know if it's just my attitude or not, but I've been thinking about changing Therapist. I just don't feel like I'm getting much help. Maybe it's just me though. I'm worn out in general, if you asked me about any topic in life I could tell you I'm honestly warn out in regards to it.

Yes, I have to make sure I'm ready. But I'm already creeping up on being 30. And I've waited and waited, and wanted, and waited to go to school.
Now it's time. I may not graduate with a top degree.

I wan to go for a business degree. And I want my main focus to be music.
So a lot of my college will be focused on the craft and experience of it.
If I can I'll work throughout the summer. I will work through as much as possible without killing myself.

Hey, I just now checked this thread, and I'm SO glad I did! Guess what? You have already done one of the hardest things, and that is deciding on a major that you are passionate about which could also support you in the long term.

I could tell you many success stories, but I have a feeling that won't help (given the way you describe your T's approach). But, I know you CAN do this successfully. Haven't yet checked your profile, but did you know that your WRITING and CRITICAL THINKING skills are already way high above those of the typical (non-mental health challenged) college freshman? I wouldn't kid you; I have been mentally "ill" since I was 7 years old, and I earned my PhD in 1998; my story may not matter to you, but this should matter: I teach at a major university and have also taught in community juco, so I can tell from your writing that you will be extremely successful.

Guess what else? I have a degree in music as well as English and I incorporate music in the writing classes. In fact, I teach one online freshman comp class and two literature classes through correspondence/independent study. I would be happy for you to enroll in any of those.

Finding a T you can really open up with will be important. I had one almost continuously since beginning college (I lost family financial support after getting married and having a baby--'nother story). I wouldn't have made it without my T's. My T in 1998 came to my graduation--so yes, T support is crucial. I would guess that you could manage 12 hours (that's full-time and makes you eligible for more financial aid) if you started with 6 hours on campus and 6 hours by correspondence or online. 12 hours makes you eligible for living expenses to be partially covered by financial aid, so I encourage this. If you drop a class while on FA, they give you a probationary period; they don't immediately take away the money.

If you've never had any college, you're going to be pleasantly shocked by how much farther along you are than your freshman peers. That would be empowering for you, don't you think?

Feel free to friend me and PM me about college issues (or about anything). I'm a good listener/reader and I have tons of advice. I was raising a child at the same time as school. If you have a passion for music, you can do anything!!!! I realize you said "business" degree, but it must be the music part that is motivating you--is that right? I love every kind of music except contemporary country (classic country, i.e. Johnny Cash, is sublime) and Sublime is awesome, too!

When I finished college, I still had MDD with psychotic features; severe GAD; PMDD; diabetes...the list goes on, but once I landed a job in my chosen field I started healing; am still healing, and still being emotionally supported by T. But I am living the dream.
shipping Bel

I'm sorry that I can't respond individually to each and everyone's comments easily.

No, I'm not going to just jump into everything way way way too much.

@Shipping

Yes, I also planned on taking writing classes in school too.

I'm going to look further into my options as I already know I won't be getting any type of disability.

Yes, business is just a part to help. Music and entertainment in general are what really motivate me. I feel I'm ready to take a risk of having to deal with student loans.
I've already got quite a bit of debt anyway.

Regarding your analysis of my writing and how I have good skills.
No offense but I'm very paranoid at times, if you knew you'd understand why.
My first thought is that you are BS'ing me.
How do you figure that my writing and critical thinking skills are more developed?
I can't figure it out. My critical thinking skills are laughable at best.

I'll friend you and try to take advice. It's hard for me because I'm very skeptical and paranoid most of the time. Sorry to sound defensive.

I apologize for my attitude.
Wasn't a good day and I've got a lot going on.
My intention wasn't to snap at anyone.

I wrote you a PM about critical thinking only. Your writing skills you question? O, please! I won't even defend my take on your writing! I've been teaching writing to all levels and age groups for 25 years.