[Hathi]

Hi!

Help!

I didn't know if I should write in the school forum or this one. I am a graduate student on leave of absence from my work. I am not your traditional student in that I am 45.

In the fall of 2014 I started a very exciting graduate program in the environmental field, it is called International Ecology. For years I had dreamt of going back to school to complete my master's degree. I like taking classes and learning!

I had an excellent job with the Federal government in Canada, but things started to go very badly at work, I started losing interest after about 8 years at the same job. I started to burn out. I just wanted out but enjoyed the security of the job. But work was starting to make me feel depressed. I had no idea how to get out of it until there was a round of cuts making many of our positions redundant. I volunteered to have my position cut because it meant I could go on two years of leave of absence with a large package and a generous grant from my employer. At the end of two years I am put on a priority list so hopefully there is going to be a position for me somewhere.

Here is the deal: My first semester of my M.Sc. was exciting. I got straight As. It was stimulating. My second semester consisted of doing a semester in Mexico. It was ok, but my marks weren't as good. I got A-s , Bs and B+. It was ok...but, the reason I started to get lesser marks is because I lost interest, I lost energy, I just...was no longer happy.

Now I am doing an internship in Chile, I have been here for a month. The whole time I have been having panic attacks. This never happens to me..it has never happened to me.

I am handing assignments half-done and not on time. I don't understand anything (I am fluent in Spanish and know Chilean expressions very well, so it isn't that.).

That isn't me. I pride myself in being professional.

I think I am burning out.

To be honest with you, here is also a bit of what has happened in the past 5 years:

1. Bad break up...I mean bad one, worse one of my life. (2009)
2. My parents business went under leaving them with very little retirement funds...they were 65 when this happened.(2010)
3. A brother with severe depression(2010-2013)
4. A move to another city for a one-year secondment...I came back to my city after that. (2013-2014)
5. My maternal grandparents died within two months of one another.(2014)
6. My mother got diagnosed with cancer of the bladder (2014), thankfully the tumor was removed but she has to go through scans every three months and it was found that her spleen is enlarged.
7. My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks after she had her tumour removed and he had months to live. He died May 17th, 2014.

My internship started May 17th, 2015.

My supervisor here in Chile is amazing...but he is so much like my ex boyfriend it is incredible. He teases me relentlessly and in the beginning was even somewhat flirty with me. I don't want to go there even though I have developed a crush on him. He's hot, he really is quite hot.

I was once a happy person, now, this M.Sc. is making me panic and lose sleep. I am 45 years old, my career is super important to me, I have tons of friends, but now, man...I want to pack up and go home.

I don't know...when I was packing for this internship I was panicking as well. I had three weeks between Mexico and Chile and I didn't have a chance to rest, I became a procrastinator in my work.

I guess I would like some advice or support on my decision to take a year off from this program..from everything.

I don't have all the time in the world anymore...I don't want to be on that work priority list and miss a job opportunity because I have deferred my schooling for a year (and the way this program works, that is the way it would be...I wouldn't be able to get another internship until next May).

I do want this M.Sc....I am just exhausted. I am burned out. I want to cut myself. I never have before in my life...I used to be so together. I'm a mess who drinks too much beer.

I want to send an e-mail to my program coordinator to tell h
er that...

Help...

[CANDC]

Hathi, I am sorry about all your losses and disappointments. Sounds like they have had a cumulative affect and you seem to be trying to self medicate with alcohol. You are wise not to have an affair with the flirty person in the program. That can hurt self esteem and may trigger other emotions.

What about seeing a psych doc to get diagnosis and medicine and see if that along with stopping alcohol will help. Thinking of self harm is a warning sign that something is amiss and might be the sign it is time to get a therapist to deal with this building wall of loss. Avoiding self harm alleviates a lot of guilt and shame associated with scarring and loss of self confidence.

No one but you can decide what to do, but metaphorically it sounds like the house is on fire and you need to get that under control before you do anything. If you have the time before you need to decide, fine. If not, postponing something may be needed unless doing therapy and changing your lifestyle can be done with your internship. Maybe the internship itself is stress laden. That flirty guy seems like he could be an abusive force in your life just from the verbal abuse. If so and he is actively involved with the internship program, this may be a big red flag of danger.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hathi, I am sorry about all your losses and disappointments. Sounds like they have had a cumulative affect and you seem to be trying to self medicate with alcohol. You are wise not to have an affair with the flirty person in the program. That can hurt self esteem and may trigger other emotions.

What about seeing a psych doc to get diagnosis and medicine and see if that along with stopping alcohol will help. Thinking of self harm is a warning sign that something is amiss and might be the sign it is time to get a therapist to deal with this building wall of loss. Avoiding self harm alleviates a lot of guilt and shame associated with scarring and loss of self confidence.

No one but you can decide what to do, but metaphorically it sounds like the house is on fire and you need to get that under control before you do anything. If you have the time before you need to decide, fine. If not, postponing something may be needed unless doing therapy and changing your lifestyle can be done with your internship. Maybe the internship itself is stress laden. That flirty guy seems like he could be an abusive force in your life just from the verbal abuse. If so and he is actively involved with the internship program, this may be a big red flag of danger.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Oh, he's not actually abusive. The teasing is all in good fun and I dish it back at him. It's a cultural thing. Chileans will often wind each other up when they like each other. He's calmed down a bit. He is my project supervisor, so no, it isn't a good idea at all to have an affair with him.

Thanks for your answer. I haven't been sleeping much still, but I have decided to defer my internship and do it next year. I can't really get therapy while doing the internship because, although my Spanish is excellent, I am not comfortable getting therapy in a different cultural context. I also will be in a very remote area..very close to Antarctica, where there aren't that many therapists to begin with.

No, I am going to go home and rest and see a therapist just to have to deal with my grief.

I really miss the person I used to be.

I want to find her again.

Thanks for your help.

[Walking Man]

Don't be hard on yourself because it didn't work out. I don't know if we are better at dealing with things when younger, or if we are just oblivious to the hardship, but living away from home is really stressful. I haven't lived overseas, but in all my moving around in the US, including living on a tall ship for a month (in port), I know it wears me out. One time when I was on the boat I had a dream about my cat and woke up crying. I felt like I was on the "Sloop John B." The way you think about it rationally doesn't seem to matter. You can think, it's just a fun summer in Chile, but the rest of your person may feel like, "Ack! Get me out of here, I need to go home!" It used to be that the only people going to Patagonia or Tierra Del Fuego were intrepid explorers.

A therapist told me that it takes two years on average to mourn a parent. My dad died about five years ago, and there are times I still get upset about it. When you get hit by a bunch of stuff it wears you down. It's normal.

[Hathi]

Originally Posted by Walking Man

Don't be hard on yourself because it didn't work out. I don't know if we are better at dealing with things when younger, or if we are just oblivious to the hardship, but living away from home is really stressful. I haven't lived overseas, but in all my moving around in the US, including living on a tall ship for a month (in port), I know it wears me out. One time when I was on the boat I had a dream about my cat and woke up crying. I felt like I was on the "Sloop John B." The way you think about it rationally doesn't seem to matter. You can think, it's just a fun summer in Chile, but the rest of your person may feel like, "Ack! Get me out of here, I need to go home!" It used to be that the only people going to Patagonia or Tierra Del Fuego were intrepid explorers.

A therapist told me that it takes two years on average to mourn a parent. My dad died about five years ago, and there are times I still get upset about it. When you get hit by a bunch of stuff it wears you down. It's normal.

You know your post has been extremely helpful...you actually get it. Thank you! In fact, you are bang on, you seriously are. Thank you thank you thank you!

Although this decision has been very draining emotionally, I am starting to feel much better than before. Lots of people take breaks from their graduate studies. It's just that I had been planning this time off for years, however, I also didn't plan that both my grandparents and father would die within months of each other around the time my leave would start.

My body reacted to the stress. I couldn't walk because of a very bad (and sudden) tendinitis in my left ankle, which started the day after my father's funeral. I became completely out of shape, flabby...exhausted. I used to be an athlete. It just seems like it takes so long to get back into shape!

Also, it dawned on me. The man who broke my heart in 2009...well, my supervisor is A LOT like him...which is one of the reasons I have also gone off the handle.

I really need to take the time off to take care of me.

I still have long-term goals like finishing this M.Sc. and eventually getting a great position somewhere, either the Federal government or some large international organization. I also want to maintain my nurturing relationships with my friends and family, that is definitely a positive in my life.

So thanks again.

BTW, I totally get the cat dream and the crying. I too miss my lovely little cats.

[Hathi]

Well, this is cool.

They are letting me take a break until January. This gives me plenty of time to prepare myself for all sorts of things...to rest, to work on several things. I will be coming down here during the Austral summer.

It will delay my graduation date however, but them the breaks.

Yay!

[Walking Man]

Awesome! I'm glad. I hope you are able to enjoy it more.

[hillarydove]

Glad to hear that Hathi