Tired of being self-destructive

Hi everyone. In this post I want to share with you what I've been through and what I've decided I need to do with myself to get over it.

About a year ago I had a fight with my ex boyfriend. I made a scene and he told me I'm too childish. It hurt. He also said I needed to see a therapist because there's something wrong with me. I've been to therapy in the past and doctors say I'm too stubborn and I just want to get my way, so I'm also highly manipulative. That time I didn't want to go to therapy, because I felt like this guy was much worse than I am and he had no authority to recommend such thing. But I found a psychology student who told me that maybe my problem is that I never say no to myself.

I broke up with this guy over half a year ago. I have been sad and depressed since then, but it all got worse a month ago, when he announced he was getting married. I can talk about it to my mother and my aunt, but they are sometimes too cruel and hard. They tell me I should just let him go and that I'm too good for him. I sense they might be right, but still I need to talk about it.

This sadness and depression had made me intolerant and angry all the time. My mother is the one who has to live with my moodiness and we have been fighting a lot. Last weekend I got sick and stayed in bed for a couple of days. My mother warned me not to smoke while I was sick, but I felt so anxious and so bad because of my ex boyfriend's marriage, that I couldn't help taking the cigarrette to my lips. My mom got angry, but we let it pass. She's a doctor, so I asked for some medication so I could get better sooner. I hate being sick and stuck at home. She couldn't bring it to me as soon as I needed it. The day before yesterday, she finally bought the medicine and I promised not to smoke while I was taking it. But still I went out to the garden to smoke my last cigarrette and when I came back into the kitchen, she just looked at me with a face full of rage and she started yelling at me. I got mad at her screams and we started telling each other very hurtful things.

I must say that kind of fights have been happening for the last 15 years. It came to a point where we even engaged in physical fighting. I know I've done wrong, but I can't stand all the scolding and yelling and that angry look on her face. When the things got worse, about three years ago, I started hitting myself, until I realized it was completely mad and I made a commitment with myself never to do it again. I've been holding on for two years now and I have hit myself only once or twice, but that's just when things go completely out of control, because of a really long fight.

Because of the smoking issue, I realized I have no respect for myself. Besides, I've noticed I'm experiencing some kind of eating issues, because I feel like I can't eat as much as I use to. I believe there is some kind of anorexia that is related to anxiety or depression, well, I think that's what's happening to me. But I've been doing damage to myself by eating less, smoking too much, not sleeping well... I guess it must be because of something I lack, like self esteem or the sense of being really loved or appreciated. Or maybe because I'm so used to being told everything I do wrong, that I can't see what's good in me. Point is: I don't take care of myself, I don't respect my body and I can't say no to myself. I always find any excuse to do what I know I shouldn't be doing, like stalking on my ex boyfriend even now he's married.

I don't how I'm going to do it, but I have to start telling myself "no". "Don't smoke", "don't spy on him", "don't go outside without your jacket", "don't drink coffee after 7pm". I want to be a healthy person and the only way to do it, is by taking care of myself.

So, from now on, I decided I will start smoking less, eating three times a day instead of just once or twice. While I'm sick, I'm determined not to smoke a sinlge cigarrette. I know it won't be easy, but I made a promise to quit smoking altogether the day after my birthday and that's just four months from now.

The decision is based of a strong desire to be a better person, to really respect my body and myself, because I realized that I've been having the wrong kind of relationships with men, because I don't really have respect for myself. And that's affecting my whole life. So, I'm trying to make a change so that I can't receive the best of my life.

I hope this long story helps others to see what they're doing and help themselves have a better life.

First off, congratulations on the good work you have done with the hitting of yourself! Look at that as you try to tackle other difficult habits? You can do it there so you can probably do it elsewhere!

But second, it's easier to replace bad habits with good ones than to just "stop" bad habits. Our brain can't just stop like that, habits are ingrained in our synapses and we have no way to fight them, make them just cease. We have to get the habit doing something else we want it to be doing instead.

I highly recommend this book: http://charlesduhigg.com/the-power-of-habit/

Thank you!

I want to start jogging or zumba or yoga. That might be the new habit, because I will need to breathe and smoking will not help, will it? lol

Bad thing about all this is that I give up too easily and I get depressed always over the winter. Cloudy days make me sad... So, today I woke up a little down and I have the flu, so I'm not really in the mood to cheer myself up. But I still have all these goals in mind and I will start as soon as I can. But I really did a good work over the weekend by smoking much less than I usually do

Thanks for the advice and I'll read the book for sure!