[bubbleghost]

To put it bluntly, I feel like society's obsession with joy and happiness, and the modern "self help" culture really kind of screwed me over. I know it's my own misuse or misinterpretation of it, but I have recently had the major revelation that I have been lying to myself for years. Why? I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. While I'm a skeptic at heart, I've been desperate enough to try anything. I spent years doing guided meditations, reading books about how to change behaviors, and in general I attached to the belief that you can be happy by practicing. So I tried to think positively, especially with the affirmations resolutions about how I'm really okay, no one else can see your anxiety so it's not a big deal, just work through the pain and it'll go away.

I never had so much optimism to think that I could actually achieve happiness, but at the least I wanted to not be depressed. So I kept telling myself I wasn't, hoping it would be true someday. Mostly I just ended up feeling nothing, good or bad.

After this understanding that this just wasn't working, now I realize that ignoring it did not mean it wasn't there. Just sweeping it under the rug. Telling myself I was okay did not make it true, it just made it impossible for me to know what I was actually feeling. I think this was the worst thing for me - now that I'm trying to recognize it, it's very hard to identify emotions because I've covered them up with lies for so long. I also think I was strongly driven by shame. Because it's bad to be depressed, you need to get over it, fight it, strive to make yourself better.

Kind of like taking dieting advice from supermodels.

Now that I can see it, I'm trying to just let myself be in whatever state I'm in. If I'm sad, that's just how I am right now, and there's nothing okay or wrong about it. It just is what it is. It's still difficult and uncomfortable, but at this point, I think it's more productive to be sad and understand and accept it than to be sad and not know it. It's not sick or wrong to want to dwell in your suffering and drag yourself further down, and when you're ready you can come out the other side and move forward, accepting and taking that part of yourself with you rather than trying to leave it behind as if it belonged to someone else.

Not trying to discredit self-help or other coping techniques - I know I twisted and everything I learned, even though I thought I was making an earnest attempt at it. But when I realized what I was doing, I was overwhelmed and felt scammed and betrayed. Maybe once I can accept what I already am, then I can move forward without trying to leave myself behind. I am curious if anyone else has had this experience/feeling.

[H3rmit]

I've been steadfastly at your second position. Reframing things positively is only meaningful to me if it has a chance of being a realistic or possible truth. Congratulations on growing beyond pollyannaism - it's something my mother was never able to do. I say you can't solve the problem if you can't see it, and you can't see it if you pretend it's not there. It's not "all good" so let's not pretend it is. Maybe sometimes lying to myself can get me through a scary wormhole for a moment, but I don't want to do it all day long!

[JadeAmethyst]

Oh yes, I echo you both. There comes a point when one says, hey there is no way to "get over it" and if you xyz then abc and everything will be okey dokey. We just learn to experience a feeling as feeling and do what we can to deal with it and take care of us. I agree, some things have there own time.

Jade

[bubbleghost]

Good to hear I'm not the only one. It seemed like such a radical idea at the time. Just "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER SAY THIS? EVER?"

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

growing beyond pollyannaism - it's something my mother was never able to do. I say you can't solve the problem if you can't see it, and you can't see it if you pretend it's not there. It's not "all good" so let's not pretend it is. Maybe sometimes lying to myself can get me through a scary wormhole for a moment, but I don't want to do it all day long!

YES!!!

I realized, I Don't Have To walk around with a permanent smile on my face!!

I like the more serious side of myself. Yes, life has been tough, but stuffing away all the negativity, to be that "positive" person I was raised to be, did me more harm than good. All it did was build resentment, stuff anger--that would come out in all the wrong ways, led to years of therapy. Depression, perhaps even helped along a serious neurological illness(who really knows, there..), and who knows what else...

I'm liking realism over Pollyanaism. I'd rather feel my emotions, in the moment, and deal with them as quick as I can, than what pollyanaism does to a soul.

Thanks for this thread!

Yes, thanks for this thread. It's all very true about life, isn't it? I finally realized that
the only way for me was to find a spiritual life--not a religious one--a spiritual one.
That helps me.

[H3rmit]

Stuart Smalley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I remember when this parody came out - and my mum thought it was "good." She took it literally. It captures some of the brainless wishful thinking, for sure.

[gismo]

I too was brainwashed into "positivity culture" for 20 years, 12 months ago i had a nervous breakdown, what doe's that tell you .............

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by bubbleghost

To put it bluntly, I feel like society's obsession with joy and happiness, and the modern "self help" culture really kind of screwed me over. I know it's my own misuse or misinterpretation of it, but I have recently had the major revelation that I have been lying to myself for years. Why? I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. While I'm a skeptic at heart, I've been desperate enough to try anything. I spent years doing guided meditations, reading books about how to change behaviors, and in general I attached to the belief that you can be happy by practicing. So I tried to think positively, especially with the affirmations resolutions about how I'm really okay, no one else can see your anxiety so it's not a big deal, just work through the pain and it'll go away.

I never had so much optimism to think that I could actually achieve happiness, but at the least I wanted to not be depressed. So I kept telling myself I wasn't, hoping it would be true someday. Mostly I just ended up feeling nothing, good or bad.

After this understanding that this just wasn't working, now I realize that ignoring it did not mean it wasn't there. Just sweeping it under the rug. Telling myself I was okay did not make it true, it just made it impossible for me to know what I was actually feeling. I think this was the worst thing for me - now that I'm trying to recognize it, it's very hard to identify emotions because I've covered them up with lies for so long. I also think I was strongly driven by shame. Because it's bad to be depressed, you need to get over it, fight it, strive to make yourself better.

Kind of like taking dieting advice from supermodels.

Now that I can see it, I'm trying to just let myself be in whatever state I'm in. If I'm sad, that's just how I am right now, and there's nothing okay or wrong about it. It just is what it is. It's still difficult and uncomfortable, but at this point, I think it's more productive to be sad and understand and accept it than to be sad and not know it. It's not sick or wrong to want to dwell in your suffering and drag yourself further down, and when you're ready you can come out the other side and move forward, accepting and taking that part of yourself with you rather than trying to leave it behind as if it belonged to someone else.

Not trying to discredit self-help or other coping techniques - I know I twisted and everything I learned, even though I thought I was making an earnest attempt at it. But when I realized what I was doing, I was overwhelmed and felt scammed and betrayed. Maybe once I can accept what I already am, then I can move forward without trying to leave myself behind. I am curious if anyone else has had this experience/feeling.

Yes, I often fake it till I make it, and it usually helps, but sometimes it's more important to stare reality in the face and deal with it, if I can! The best!

[bubbleghost]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Stuart Smalley - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I remember when this parody came out - and my mum thought it was "good." She took it literally. It captures some of the brainless wishful thinking, for sure.

Haha, this was partly what I was thinking about as well.

When you desperately just want to be someone else, you'll take any advice, even if you know it's total bull, because you figure if someone else seems happy, they must be doing something better than you.

[here today]

Originally Posted by bubbleghost

When you desperately just want to be someone else, you'll take any advice, even if you know it's total bull, because you figure if someone else seems happy, they must be doing something better than you.

Very well put. Would make a great "warning" box somewhere, like the one that's required on cigarettes.

[Douglas MacNeill]

In that case, bubbleghost, I have an interesting book to recommend to you:

Barbara Ehrenreich - Bright-sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining America

As far as she is concerned, the whole concept of "positive thinking" is little more
than a collective delusion made marketable.

If you live in the United Kingdom (for example), here's a link to the book under
its alternative title. The title suggests the implicit threat associated with "positive
thinking" regarding breast cancer:

Barbara Ehrenreich - Smile or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World, available on Amazon UK

I enjoyed reading it hugely, and I recommend it to you without hesitation.