Indecision

I feel paralyzed by indecision lately... or for the past year, really.

I can't decide what to do, so I do nothing. I decide to do something and then change course-- before I start or when I am 90% done.

I want to make the absolute best choice out of all the various possibilities.

It can be as small as what to eat for breakfast or as large as what to do with the rest of my life. Right now it's wondering about breakfast and what my plans should be for the weekend.

It's very frustrating.

Maybe I should try a week where I make as many decisions in advance as possible and see what happens.

The word absolute is was jumped out at me. My therapist yesterday was trying to get me to see that maybe my choices are not ideal but I do have choices. She said we can easily get stuck on thinking of ideal choices. A choice that would lead to the best possible outcome based on some ideal I have. I have some choices to make and they are causing conflict because they have opposing values in them. She wanted me to be aware that I have these conflicting values but I have to choose one or the other anyway. That kind of helped me as I have been stuck in knowing what the right choice is. I didn't know I had different values battling it out.

It's the 'absolute best' that trips me up. It is interesting to think about the values behind a choice, even a simple choice like what to have for breakfast. Thank you for suggesting that -- I can see how framing a choice that way might actually push me towards one thing or the other.

I'm trying to ask myself 'how does this serve me?' or 'what does this serve?' when I am postponing a decision. I wonder if a timer would help at all. Sometimes (often) I spend longer trying to decide what to do than it would take me to actually do it!

Hi hvert,
Just a few thoughts........
Sometimes we won't necessarily know for sure what the "absolute best" choice is until we're doing/trying something so while it really is great you're considering those maybe you're overthinking them a little???
And if we find out after we've made the choice that we're not that keen.........with some choices we can still make that choice work better for us e.g. you arrange to go swimming with someone and don't want to go when it comes to it.......find somewhere different/better than planned to go swimming, invite someone else along as well to make it more "fun", treat yourself to a drink and chat there after swimming. And you know it could still turn out even better than the options you turned down
And when making some choices..........it doesn't need to mean that you're eliminating something e.g. toast or cereal for breakfast..........well if you're not sure, you could decide you'll have toast this morning and you'll have cereal tomorrow morning..........and then see what tomorrow brings
And you know sometimes it's good to just follow your heart...........something theoretically may not be the absolute best choice for you............but if it's going to make you happy, it's not going to hurt you..........sometimes living by "ought to"'s, "should"'s can hold us back from living.
For bigger things you might want to write out a list of "pro's and con's" but............
And if you do make a wrong decision, assuming you've considered it first..............well we're all going to make mistakes at times, the main thing is you try to learn from it.
As for changing course on something when you're 90% done though.........is that thing really not right for you or could it be you're lacking motivation and would it pay you to try and get/find a bit more motivation??? What do you think???
Although sometimes there's nothing wrong with changing our choices "at the last minute", we might have made that choice when we felt differently...........
But to avoid "just doing nothing" maybe push yourself on some/any choice, and if you have to............schedule something in that you are going to do regardless???
And the rest of your life.............big thing to plan out...........some parts planning might help e.g. "Am I going to do x or y at college, so as I will be better set for x or y as a career??" but planning the rest of your life now, are you sure you want to be doing that??? Or do you think maybe you want to explore a few more of your options/feelings/wishes/preferences as you move a bit further forward???
Anyway, just some thoughts
Alison

I love the way you put things, Alison!

You are right - part of the issue is overthinking things. I spent a good part of this week trying to sort out whether I wanted to go to a food festival in a town four hours away or if I would be better off attending a plant workshop in a town about an hour away. What often happens in situations like this is that I wind up not being able to decide one way or another, so I do neither. In this case I registered for the class that's closer.

There's some kind of fear of commitment in here also - that if I make a decision now, something better will come up and I won't be able to do that thing.

But really, because I have hesitated to make decisions about relatively small things, I wind up missing out on other stuff because I finally need to take care of X, just as the opportunity for Y comes along.

I have basically hesitated to schedule my whole summer and now summer is almost gone - and I have little to show for it.

Two years ago I left my job to start a business. I still haven't started it. I've started about a half dozen projects and abandoned each one. Occasionally I pick one up again - but I am getting to the point where I will need to either generate an income or find a job within the next 12 months -- so I am feeling fairly disgusted with how I have spent my time, sort of wallowing in indecision.

And, yes, motivation is a big problem. Sometimes I have had to abandon nearly complete projects because I reach a point where an initial assumption was incorrect and continuing seems pointless. Sometimes that feeling is accurate, sometimes it's probably just an excuse.

Thank you for your suggestions -- I do think that just picking any choice and scheduling some things would be helpful to me right now!

Hi hvert, thanks for the reply

You are right - part of the issue is overthinking things. I spent a good part of this week trying to sort out whether I wanted to go to a food festival in a town four hours away or if I would be better off attending a plant workshop in a town about an hour away. What often happens in situations like this is that I wind up not being able to decide one way or another, so I do neither. In this case I registered for the class that's closer.

And, if all else fails .............you've weighed up each option and both have real benefits, you'd get something from both, nothing between them really but you absolutely can't decide...............maybe write down each option put them in an envelope, close your eyes, pick one out, and that's what you will be doing. It is afterall one day, you'll get something out of it regardless, right???
Or next time, maybe look for an option number 3 that might "grab you" more, something completely different???

I have basically hesitated to schedule my whole summer and now summer is almost gone - and I have little to show for it.

You know, that's OK............that's really only a "few months", and now you know that it's maybe time to get a bit more on top of things which you are trying to do. And now ........the rest of summer coming up............autumn.........winter..........there will be plenty more things to schedule as you go along

Two years ago I left my job to start a business. I still haven't started it. I've started about a half dozen projects and abandoned each one. Occasionally I pick one up again - but I am getting to the point where I will need to either generate an income or find a job within the next 12 months -- so I am feeling fairly disgusted with how I have spent my time, sort of wallowing in indecision.

How you've spent your time...............you know you will have got something from those projects finished or not...........it's all in experience, knowledge, skills you're acquiring or brushing up on regardless of how far you've seen them through...........and all of that can be really valuable in moving on.
And even finding things that are going nowhere is going to be a step in finding things that might lead somewhere. So you're saying maybe you've only taken small steps in this past two years, but they are still steps no matter how small!! They still count!!! And in no way has that time been completely wasted!!
And in generating an income or finding a job...........if either remain hard for you, maybe at some point you might want to go for both e.g. part time work and a bit of trying to generate income???? Just thinking there can be options, maybe???
But motivation........... ..............

And, yes, motivation is a big problem. Sometimes I have had to abandon nearly complete projects because I reach a point where an initial assumption was incorrect and continuing seems pointless. Sometimes that feeling is accurate, sometimes it's probably just an excuse.

You have learned something from all those actual pointless's, right?? "Knowledge is power".........and all that
But maybe a bit more reflection on what motivates/can motivate you??? And that doesn't even have to be "immediate" success...........maybe finding that passion??
Or even on how to hold onto that passion because you do seem to have some at the startup's?? Or finding different things to focus on/start on which might motivate you more???

And!! The timer idea of yours sounds like a really good idea!!



Alison

Hmm. I am indecisive also. I haven't been as indecisive for the longest time. I get what you mean by wanting to choose the BEST choice. You don't like making mistakes and you don't want to regret it.
My advice is to take it day by day. Don't fret too much about the choices that you make. You are putting so much pressure upon yourself and the things that have yet to be selected.
One thing that helps me is this mental coin flip.
Let's say for example; I'm not sure if I want to get Passion Tea at Starbucks or the Peach Green tea. I want both very bad. What I do is I assign each tea to a side if a coin. Then I flip the coin in my head and it lands on one side. I either go forth with it or I realize I actually want the specific tea more than the other. I get my tea and move on with my day. I am happy with the choice I made.

I hope that helped! I do this so quickly now that it's easy to choose something. I know "Next time, I can get the one I didn't choose to get."

Also when I am conflicted, I ask a friend. Or a parent. And really get serious about it and talk about it thoroughly.

Good luck

Some really great stuff here! I hope this thread helps other people who struggle with indecision The virtual coin toss is a good idea. I've gone through periods where my answer to 'which iced tea' is to just buy both -- especially in pastry shops when I am just passing through the town

I'm definitely feeling the need for some sort of basic schedule. I wake up and start my day fooling around online, wondering in the back of my mind what I will do with the day. The blank canvas is too much!