Trying

I just got back from the store. I went out just to get out of the house because I can't take it anymore. I rode around not really sure of where I was going! I ended up in a bad neighborhood and I secertly wished that somehting would have happened to me while driving through there. I made it out safely and I stopped at the store to get something to drink and popcorn. I walk out of the store with the drink, the popcorn, a pack or razor blades and a bottle of pills. The two things that I resort to. Pills have always been in my past so to speak when I get depressed. Not that they do anything and not sure why I do it. The cutting is something that started with the bout of depression. I did it back in 98/99 with broken pieces of glass that I found on the street. Never did again until now.

Now I'm sitting here trying not to break open that pack of blades and or the bottle. I took a handful of pills last night. I dn't know what I took or how many. I'm still here. I sent an email to a friend of mine bascially writting them out of my life. DIdn't want to but felt I had to for their sake. It was the one person that could understand what I'm going through.

Now I have no one and the urges to cut and do pills are very strong. What would it hurt if I did it? No one, but maybe me? No I"m not gaining anything or am I losing anything.

I know I shouldn't and I'm trying....it is going to be a struggle but all I can do is try.....

I don't want to sound like an enabler, but if you cut, make sure you do it as safely as possible.

Please don't cut people off from your life like that. Someone who understands what you're going through is one of the greatest blessings in a hard time. If you cut them off from your life, you're hurting them by not letting them help you. If there's anyone in the world who cares about you, it's impossible to ever just hurt yourself. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you're only hurting yourself, other people are hurt when you inflict pain on yourself. Especially if you push them away and don't let them help.

I've been at the place where I've had serious thoughts about hurting myself and I tried to push everyone away. The main reason why I was able to get through some of that was because I had a few really close friends (one of them is an online friend I've known for about 6-7 years) who wouldn't let me push them away. Please don't push people away; it really doesn't help.

THanks Vaarsuvius Well so far I have only gotten as far as getting the blades out of the package. I did call my friend crying and left a messge. I know that I shouldn't cut him out and I don't want to, but I feel like everytime I want to cut, take pills or just having a bad day I turn to him. Ok that may be ok but he has his own life. He is looking for a job and doing things with his wife and all that. Which is fine. But I feel like a burden. I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I know that he is busy and that is ok, but at the same time it makes me feel like i have gone to far. Maybe he was just being nice and now he can't take it anymore.

(((((((((((scotlandskye))))))))))))) do you have a therapist or doctor at all, beyond this friend?? I know how it sucks to not have the support from friends when we really need it.

PLEASE DONT CUT OR TAKE PILLS.