[scotlandskye]

I can't stop cutting! I did good for 2 days! Now I sit in my bed & cut. It hurts but takes away the other pain! Why do I do it? I have done it where you can't see so my T won't see tomorrow. My first appt with her! She seems them she might turn me away. I want to stop why is it so hard???

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((scotlandskye))))))))))))))) (I added the trigger icon, just in case)

You did really good. Stopping self injury is HARD WORK. Anyone who says differently is either freaking lucky, or lying. How about this, since we have a tendency to "freeze up" over talking to T, especially a new one - write her a letter with your concerns over self injury. Or even better, copy this post and give it to her. Hopefully she understands and is able to help you out.

Please don't give into the urge again tonight/today, at least until after you see T. Just try to go a minute/moment at a time, without giving into the urge. I know it's really hard work, but you can do it.

She won't turn you away, you need the support. That's what Ts do, they support us when we're finding things difficult.

Please let us know how the appt goes, okay?

Stopping is hard because it's addictive. We've made it part of our coping mechanisms, and it's hard to change our thinking about it when we're in a crisis and feeling badly. It doesn't mean you're bad or dumb - it just means you're trying to cope with struggles and things that happen in your life. Self injury isn't a healthy coping mechanism, but it does keep us alive. Sooner or later, we try to grow out of it as a coping mechanism, and then it gets a bit harder to deal with life and stuff. But you CAN learn other ways to cope, it just takes a lot of perseverance and willpower and strength.

Please be safe.

[scotlandskye]

Thanks Christina! I have put the razor away for the night. Going to try & sleep and push away the urge! I think I will copy this & take it with me & hope I have the courage to give it to her. Thanks again & for the hugs they are much needed!

[Christina86]

Good job, and good luck. I find sleeping really helps when trying to deal with the urge... unfortunately it means sleeping sometimes at really weird hours. But it's alllllll good... better extra sleep then an extra wound to clean up I'd say!!

[scotlandskye]

Had my first appt with my T today! I like her which I didn't think I would so that was a plus. I was able to tell her about the cutting. She asked to see, but I couldn't show her any since they weren't in visiable spots except the one on the bottom of my foot ( don't ask I don't know why I did it. Wasn't very smart, cause it hurst like hell) She asked me why I told her I didn't know. that I knew I shouldn't but got urges and cut. that it made me feel ok for a bit, that it took away all the other pain even if for a brief moment. Brought up some things that I haven't talked about in years and I mean years. So when I got out (had a friend waiting for me) all I wanted to do was cut, but didn't of course cause I didn't have anything with me and my friend was there. Now that I'm home that is all I want to do and I don't know why? What is it going to do? Nothing but leave scars and bring answers later in life so why do I still want to do it? I just want to understand!!!!!!

[Christina86]

Breathe.

Yeah, talking about it in T can seriously trigger. Did you two talk about being able to contact her outside of session? Perhaps talking to her again would be a good thing to do.

Addictions are compelling, and hard to beat sometimes. Go easy on yourself.