[justalittleparanoid]

I went what 4-5 months with out cutting. Longest i went except for thoes 6 months. Yesterday evening, I relapsed. I dont know what triggered it. I dont know what happend. I just cut. I miss the pain. I miss the pleasure that i get. I miss the blood. I dont understand why all this i should miss. I shouldnt miss all of this, but i do. And all the after effects like when it stigs and burns from water. I just dont know why. I smile, but i shouldnt. I was doing so well. I was keeping strong. I had methods. I had supports, I was able to cry for once.
When I cut I cant cry. It just doesnt happen for me. I guess I dont need crying when I cut.I guess I dont need ager when i cut, I guess I dont need to show any type of emotion when I cut. I dont even need to be happy. who is happy when they cut. I mean who is truly 100% happy whn they cut. deep down inside truly happy. We all have our sadness. We all know we are hurt. We arnt broken, we arnt damaged. And we arnt sick. We just dont know any other way of coping, and this is our way, and for some of us we smile when we do it, and for some of us we cry. But we are all hurt inside.
I guess with this time my relaps was me punishing myself for all my mistakes during the past week. I got 3 tickets. And got into one accident. with a parked car. So I cant drive anymore. So I guess I was punishing myself for all my mishaps.

[Indie'sOK]

Hi J.A.L.P.,

Good job for not doing it for so long, really Everything you're saying you miss when you cut, I do too. I haven't done it for two weeks, and I can feel a relapse coming. I miss it too.

I wish I had something better to say than "it'll be ok". But we're listening Well, reading, I guess. Good luck

[Emotionally Dead]

I've been through this.. Mainly because I loved someone so much, and perhaps it was too much. It caused me so much anger and pain, that I lashed out on myself. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would just yell. Sometimes I would hit walls, make my knuckles bleed. The easiest thing for me was to cut as well. It made me feel good. It made me feel pain. I felt like I deserved pain, like I ruined everything, so I just did it. I just released all of my anger.

I now have scars I can never get rid of, and I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't keep my wrist uncovered, for fear someone will see the deep scars. I wish I never did it. I wish I would have listened to the advice I give now. To go scream into a pillow, to go hit something soft. Just remember, what you do to yourself now will last with you forever. You can't take it away, you can't forget it.

We are all here for you. Stay safe, be careful, and here's to you keeping it up. You were doing good, keep it that way. I once relapsed as well, but then I made sure it never happened again. You will be OK, keep your head on straight and you will make it through this. God Bless.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by justalittleparanoid

I went what 4-5 months with out cutting. Longest i went except for thoes 6 months. Yesterday evening, I relapsed. I dont know what triggered it. I dont know what happend. I just cut. I miss the pain. I miss the pleasure that i get. I miss the blood. I dont understand why all this i should miss. I shouldnt miss all of this, but i do. And all the after effects like when it stigs and burns from water. I just dont know why. I smile, but i shouldnt. I was doing so well. I was keeping strong. I had methods. I had supports, I was able to cry for once.

It's a form of "grieving". We all grieve for things we've lost or missed, that's normal. Yes, you were doing well. But you're still doing well. You understand more of your behaviour now, which is something different than before. Congrats on making it that long - it is hard to do.

When I cut I cant cry. It just doesnt happen for me. I guess I dont need crying when I cut.I guess I dont need ager when i cut, I guess I dont need to show any type of emotion when I cut. I dont even need to be happy. who is happy when they cut. I mean who is truly 100% happy whn they cut. deep down inside truly happy. We all have our sadness. We all know we are hurt. We arnt broken, we arnt damaged. And we arnt sick. We just dont know any other way of coping, and this is our way, and for some of us we smile when we do it, and for some of us we cry. But we are all hurt inside.

This is very well written... you are right, we use self injury to get in touch with our emotions sometimes, other times we use it to turn the emotions off. We are all hurting and we do use it to cope.



I guess with this time my relaps was me punishing myself for all my mistakes during the past week. I got 3 tickets. And got into one accident. with a parked car. So I cant drive anymore. So I guess I was punishing myself for all my mishaps.

Look at that!! See, you are learning about yourself and your behaviours. If you weren't, you wouldn't have been able to identify a reason why you may have resorted to self injury to cope. That means progress, which means you're trying. Don't be too hard on yourself, I know that's hard to do - but you ARE trying.

[dance59326]

Originally Posted by justalittleparanoid

I went what 4-5 months with out cutting. Longest i went except for thoes 6 months. Yesterday evening, I relapsed. I dont know what triggered it. I dont know what happend. I just cut. I miss the pain. I miss the pleasure that i get. I miss the blood. I dont understand why all this i should miss. I shouldnt miss all of this, but i do. And all the after effects like when it stigs and burns from water. I just dont know why. I smile, but i shouldnt. I was doing so well. I was keeping strong. I had methods. I had supports, I was able to cry for once.

Originally Posted by justalittleparanoid

When I cut I cant cry. It just doesnt happen for me. I guess I dont need crying when I cut.I guess I dont need ager when i cut, I guess I dont need to show any type of emotion when I cut. I dont even need to be happy. who is happy when they cut. I mean who is truly 100% happy whn they cut. deep down inside truly happy. We all have our sadness. We all know we are hurt. We arnt broken, we arnt damaged. And we arnt sick. We just dont know any other way of coping, and this is our way, and for some of us we smile when we do it, and for some of us we cry. But we are all hurt inside.
I guess with this time my relaps was me punishing myself for all my mistakes during the past week. I got 3 tickets. And got into one accident. with a parked car. So I cant drive anymore. So I guess I was punishing myself for all my mishaps.

I've done the same thing as you, just did it yesterday
triggers can be hard to figure out
yes the feeling feels great because your mind remembers the feeling and the endorphines are natural pain killers for when physical pain isn't the real issue, it's the emotional issue and that is why you think that it's so soothing.
yes this is what we feel helps us, but the truth is that it is only helpful for that one time tht you're doing it, the one that is a quick fix. It's like covering something with a bandaid, it helps us get through, but really we can't get outside of ourselves.
Emotional pain is such a difficult thing to cope with, but have you tried using the strategies that you have been using when you weren't self-harming?
Yes, our external issues and environment are hard to cope with and many of us feel that this is how we punish ourselves, but in reality, it isn't really helping the matter. What has been done is done and we can't change the past, we can only move forward.
Please keep me updated, I'd love to help you. You can lean on me and I'll help you with whatever the issue is. PM me anytime
~dance59326