[Rapunzel]

I haven't in 6 weeks and 2 days. That's 2 days more than last time I quit. Last time, I quit for someone who I felt cared about it, but winter was too hard and 6 weeks was too long and eventually I gave in. This time it's T who I'm quitting for, and she says it doesn't count because it isn't self-motivated. So why does it even matter? She also said that if I went home and cut, it would undo all the work that we did. How?

I'm not needing to all the time, but there have been maybe 2 or 3 hours per day when I just want to. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it's a huge heap of miniscule reasons. So, ok, I don't have much trouble with the reasons to do it. And T says it's too easy for me if I just allow myself to do it. She's right. What I need help with, again (groan) is reasons not to. Especially since if I keep resisting cutting, I'll find something else. I have a fascination with twisted ankles lately. Still have just a bit of residual pain from when I fell on my right one in January, but soon it might not be enough anymore.

[hereiam]

From my experience:

Keeping an exact time from when you last cut is a bad thing. Then you go "But I haven't cut in 2 days...so it's okay now, because I went so long without it." or "4 days longer than last time - I can do it. So now I deserve it."

I just try and go as long as I can without it, surpress the urges as they come, and distract myself. It's almost like being an alcoholic: One day at a time. You're doing great, don't forget that. Also remember the ice cube trick (hold on against your wrist) or draw a red line on a part of your body. Scream. Yell. Allow yourself to let go and not hold it all in, throw a temper tantrum and throw yourself to the ground like a 4 year old.

Just don't cut, cause in the long run, it's not worth it. And we both know that.

[MacD]

though I understand that it's a powerful urge for release, just remind yourself that it is not loving yourself and you are so worthy of love......your own and the love of your friends...(which I hope I'm counted as one of)....love grace

because it doesnt deal with the reason behind why you want to cut. Let's confront that one.

[ErinBear]

Hi Rapunzel,

Here are some reasons I work on keeping free from cutting -

1) I know if I cut myself now, I will feel bad about it later.
2) For myself, if I start cutting again, I will want to cut more. So if I keep refraining from it, hard as that is - it helps me keep doing better over the long run. If I start up again, even once, it's sort of like opening a flood gate. It's better not to even start.
3) There are other, healthier ways to deal with the feelings. The best way is to talk about the feelings with someone worthy of trust, like a friend, counselor, or loved one. But there are things like journaling, or going for a walk, or even posting here - to name a few other ideas. Or doing crafts...listening to music you enjoy...working in the garden....???
4) I tell myself that if I've successfully gone for awhile without cutting (and you've gone quite awhile now, and so have I) then I can keep doing it, even though it's hard at the moment. The point is just to figure out how to get past the hard moments, and we can do this. We can. Every time we get past a rough patch, I think we store up more and more strength for getting past another rough patch. And the longer we go without self-injuring, I think it gradually gets easier....sort of like a marathon runner training. We get stronger as we go along.

Thinking of you, lots.

Take care,
ErinBear

[SweetCrusader]

Wendy,

I hope you won't hurt my friend I love her.



You can do this!!! And I'm proud of you and happy for you for trying (and even if you do slip up, I'm still proud of you and happy for you for trying)

[emwell]

I have a simple reason that I try to remember. SCARS!!!!

I hate the scars I have and would rather not have anymore. I once cut my legs during the winter. Next thing I knew it was summer and those scars were and still are very noticeable. SIB is a very personal thing for me. I do not want anyone to know I do it. Therefore I have needed to come up with new ways that leave less of a scar. Although I did cut for the first time in a long time, these scars might just blend in with the old ones.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{All of you}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks so much! All of your replies mean a lot to me. You're so wonderful! I will try to reply individually tomorrow. I was at work all day yesterday, and had people over all day today, and I'm tired and I need to go to bed. I did get enough time this morning to check this thread and read your comments, and it made my day. My best reason I guess has to be all of the people like you who care enough to give me reasons to take better care of myself. There is no way to tell you all how much I appreciate every one of you.

Rap

[ErinBear]

Hi Rapunzel,

Sounds like maybe things are going a little bit better for you - I hope that's true! People do care about you, and that can be another good reason to keep one's self safe. It helps me to remember that too.

Take care,
ErinBear

[(JD)]

<font color="blue"> Because it creates the very thing you do it to escape from! (eventually: feeling, feeling bad.) </font>

[Kathyanita]

no not really

[Rapunzel]

Still too tired to go back and answer all of you, but I still want to. Thanks for the replies. Sky, that is a good point there. T said that she just realized that I am an addict. I told her I knew that all along. So now we're talking about what that means, and what the difficulties are in trying to treat an addict who is still fully involved with their addiction and not willing to let go of it. It's just too easy to cut and get the relief, even though it's temporary, and not deal with the issues. And addiction not only prevents us from dealing with the problem - it also creates new problems. At least that was my answer. It's yet to be seen whether or not I got it right.

Had the knife out tonight, and played with it a little, but didn't make any marks. 7 weeks on Wednesday.

Rap

[ErinBear]

Hi Rapunzel,

For what it's worth, for me, too, I have known this was an addictive behavior. It can be hard to think of it that way, but I know it is true for me.

Hooray for you for resisting the urge! Wow, that took great strength. If you have a favorite thing (like that knife?) that you use to injure yourself, have you thought of getting rid of it? That is one of the things which helps me to keep safe....keeping my home free of things which I could use for injuring. It can be hard to get rid of things like that, but that can be another step in keeping yourself safe.

Take care,
ErinBear

[hereiam]

Rap,

I just wanna say here that I completely agree with you. It's so easy for a cutter to cut, verses an alcoholic having to get drunk or a drug addict popping pills. You can go anywhere, anytime, and have the tools you need to feed your addiction. But one aspect of cutting involves the control, and how much control can you be in if it runs your life? I'm happy that you talked to your T about it, and that she is finally coming around to embrace the severity of your cutting (not necessarily acute, but chronic) and the fact that you are addicted to it. But why torture yourself by taking the knife out and playing with it? I know once I do that it's as good as over for me, because then I know it's not only on my mind but that I'm contemplating. Contemplation is the quickest path to action, if you ask me. Atleast on my part when it comes to cutting.

But 7 weeks! Awwwwwwesome. That's coming up on 2 months. Two months! Think about that. How awesome is it? I'll answer that for ya - completely awesome. You rock, keep it up! Remember we're here for you, and so is your therapist. We want you to do good.

[dalila]

<font color="green"> I am trying to stop because I can't use cutting to let of the pressure every time it becomes overwhelming, I am trying to find another way to let go of the pain, fear, the feeling that it is impossible to go on.

I have spent a lot of time considering the negatives of cutting but I am trying now to focus on the positives of not cutting. Every time I am successful at resisting, I become stronger. Every time I find something else to do, I become more resourceful. As I resist, redirect and learn I am becoming stronger and closer to being healed. </font>

[Rapunzel]

I don't have any time free of si. Maybe I haven't used the blade in 7 weeks, but none of it counts since it isn't self-motivated, and I still want to hurt myself, and I have plenty of minor 'accidental' injuries that I don't count because I didn't fly into a rage and use a knife. Just little scratches and burns. Plus sitting on my ankle the wrong way, eating such a poor diet that I get anemic, etc. Extremely minor stuff, but it is continuous. And even bigger than that, I hurt myself constantly with my negative thinking.

Last night I wanted the knife again. I can't be good enough. I'm ruining my kids by not spending enough time with them, not teaching them right, not working with them. I'm at work all the time and when I'm home I'm lazy and self-centered and I don't want to deal with things, and I just leave them to take care of themselves, and it's a bad problem. They run around in dirty clothes, and other kids don't want to sit by them, and my daughter's teacher asked if she can do my daughter's laundry for her. My other daughter picks up all of my bad habits - including biting herself and banging her head and who knows what else. They all sneak and lie and steal, and it's all my fault.

Last night I didn't use the knife. I talked to people in chat, and Angela got my thinking straightened out a little, and I wrote to T. I felt better, until I woke up. DH yelled at everybody again, and he won't see any options for dealing with no clothes dryer that don't involve overspending.

I think we take luxuries for granted, and assume that we are entitled to them, and if we don't provide them for our children, then that's abuse. I need a clothesline, and DH doesn't want to do that. He says either we have to buy a dryer, or go to a laundromat every day. Those aren't really options because we keep spending more money than we bring in, and we don't have time. But we have a washing machine (could even wash clothes by hand - horrors!), and can air dry them. And I guess I should be doing it all personally and not expecting the kids or DH to have to help. I keep my clothes clean and presentable, and DH's if he puts them in a laundry basket instead of throwing them all over the floor, but have expected the kids to take care of their clothes. DH says I have never cleaned anything, and have never taught the kids anything, and he says he is going to have to step in and do everything, since I won't, but he won't either. I wish he would just clean up all the soda cans and garbage that fill up his side of the bedroom. The other laundry option is to ask for help with getting a dryer (church would help), but he doesn't want to do that. Would rather keep spending more than we have, since we can, and take care of it ourselves. That's why we don't have enough money now. Too much debt! We ought to be able to live on our current incomes. It should be plenty.

I guess you didn't need to hear all that. And I don't deserve any more help. I really appreciate all that you have all contributed here, and that you care. I just shouldn't keep bothering people about something that I cause myself and am not actually willing to do anything about most of the time.

Thanks so much for everything. I apologize for being so onery and wasting your time reading this.
Rap

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((Rap)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

Yeah, and even though I'm rotten to waste your time, I posted it anyway, and I could delete it, but I won't. And I don't care if you forgive me because I don't deserve to be forgiven, and it would actually be easier if you hated me, but I know that you're not like that. Ooh! I'm just digging myself in deeper.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

Numbers get stuck in my head and they won't leave me alone. It's hard to stop counting the exact time. Today would be 7 weeks and 2 days, except that none of it counts anyway, but I still don't know if I can stop counting.

Thanks for the suggestions. The ice cube one doesn't sound too bad right now, which is strange since usually these approaches will eventually just make me want to do something for real. It isn't worth it in the long run though - that's right. What I don't know is if I care about the long run at this point.

Thanks for your help ((((((yesitsme)))))))))

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Grace))))))))) I accept and appreciate your friendship. Thank-you.

[Rapunzel]

(((((EV))))))

I love your signature. Stole it for my email. Is that ok? I see myself as a caterpillar, and hope if I read that enough someday I can want to fly enough that I can change into a butterfly.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Fury)))))))))

Nice reasons. I do care about the influence on my kids, and that it hurts other people.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Angela)))))))))))

Take care of my friend too. Thanks for all your help last night and all the other times too. You are the greatest!

of course you can