[tmac87]

Why should I live this life when there is nothing to live? I am not getting any better....so whats the point? I live in constant pain as do many of us....what keeps us going? Why should I keep trying to move forward....when I am just going to get hurt by someone else or myself again? What is the point? The only reason I am still alive is because I have this baby inside of me. I constantly struggle with the thoughts of death. More than half my day I contemplate suicide. I am so tired of being in pain and not getting any relief from the pain. I have gotten relief on a few occassions and that was when I was recieving the ECT and on the Lithium and Valium. I cant do the ECT anymore because they put me on bedrest yesterday with bathroom privledges. And I cant be on those 2 medications because they arent safe during pregnancy. I know that I am in need of desperate help right now but there is no help for me. I have done everything that I could possibly do right during this pregnancy and I still seem to mess up and not get any better. I have exhausted all of my coping skills and (seriously) like none of them worked. I dont know what is wrong with me because I have always tryed to reach out for help and I just cant do it anymore. I try to reach out for help but the help never comes. I talked to crisis services today and they told me to "calm down and it isnt that serious." I wanted to scream "this is my life and I called inconfidence that you might beable to help me and you tell me that it isnt that serious." I wpould go to the hospital if it helped me but they always tell me thing like isnt there something you can do besides say your suicidal to get attention? So going to the hospital is out of the question. I would talk to my T but she laughs at me when I tell her I am depressed she will say things like "life isnt that bad" or "your smart enough you can deal with what is being thrown your way." So it kinda a slap in the face when I try and talk to her because me makes me feel so dumb and like I am not trying hard enough in life when really I am trying as hard as I possibly can. I am sorry that I have typed so much I think that I will stop now. Its seems like this website is my only way to feel sometype of relief because the majority of you understand how it feels to be like this.

[Lost71]

((((((((((((tmac))))))))))))

I'm truly sorry things are so hard for you right now and grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr your T doesn't seem to even understand! I've been where you are right now and...lame as it may seem to you...the only thing that kept me going through it was knowing I was giving life and that is such a special thing to do!

I'm sorry for being in a bad place myself with not much advice or help for you but please just know I DO care and understand and am here if you need an ear or a shoulder, hun!

Love and Hugs to you,
Julia
xox

[Abrums]

Lost71,

I found it... I checked your previous posts to find your problem. Watching your Dad stab your mom 16 times can **** you up, especially when you are 4 years of age. I can relate in some way because I watched one of my friends get shot in the chest 8 times by her husband and then her husband shoots himself in the head.

Your T is a ***** and you shouldn't be paying her to be a ***** to you. Hospitals will never help unless you are in already injured. Crisis lines can be useless in my opinion because its just only someone to talk to breafly.

You have to express yourself. That is what I did to get better from it. You are an artist, put your feelings into it. Express your feelings in your art. Whatever you hold inside put it outside onto canvas or however you wish to express yourself. Paint something that shows how you feel. For example this is how I expressed my tragedy.

ABE

[dance59326]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((tmac87)))))))))))))))))))))))))
(This post is referring into your first post in the first post that you've made here)
Ok, so crisis services are telling you that your case isn't serious, but have you tried talking to them when you are burning, and haven't reached the point of seething emotionally while trying to talk to them. A lot of times, crisis services and other helplines deem something to not be serious because when people are at that extreme highly emotional state of mind, they almost always tend to have irrational thoughts and are nto tapping in to how they are talking in the phone to the reciever. I hope that this will help you in some way. Please try to take care. Having a baby is so difficult because all of your hormones are changing. It's difficult because not only are the hormones changing in your body which then passes into your emotional state of mind, you also have the physical effects. How are you doing today? As far as being put into bed rest, how much longer until you are due? Are you at home for bed rest currently or you at the hospital pregnancy section? Is anything doing better at all???
Hugs from dance
dance59326

[Sannah]

Tmac, I am so sorry that you are getting so many invalidating responses IRL. I am glad that you feel validated here. I wonder if the hormone fluctuations of pregnancy are increasing your depression???????