reasons to SI

I have been on the brink forever, but before I give in, I'm trying to identify what's making me want to do some serious damage. So far I have:

-- revenge
-- anger
-- attention
-- anxiety relief

None of which is particularly flattering when you are decades past 13, but there it is.

So if you're willing to share -- what goes through your mind after you've been trying to behave and decide to stop trying?

I usually cut as a reaction to anger/frustration/hurt. I guess it's also revenge, if someone hurts me I "get back at them" by hurting myself. Doesn't work though, because I don't tell them!!

If you can, resist it. Think of other ways you can deal with those feelings. Your feelings are justified, but there are other ways you can react to them. I know it's so hard when you have it in your head that you want to cut. please don't be too extreme. You know already it doesn't fix anything, only in the moment. Your problems will still be there afterwards, so why not work on them now instead of after cutting?

Good luck. I'm sorry you're feeling this bad.

Depression
Anger
Insecure
Hated
Unloved
Unwanted.

I don't remember specific reasons after the fact; sharper details immediately before and after slur a bit. Usually it's to remind myself I'm alive-recently I've been going through times that feel as if I'm underwater, for two or three hours at a time-or to cut off an impending anxiety attack.

Hmm. I know there are people who care about me, they're just generally not the ones I really wish would. Unwanted, though -- oooh, that's a biggie for me right now, and explains pretty much everything.

That's why I love PC -- always somebody to help you think of the obvious which you were too dense to get for yourself.

Emptiness that won't be filled up.
Anger and frustration.
Not being heard, even when trying my best.
Shame.
Having a bad attitude. Not caring, or believing that anyone else does.
The part of me that finds it necessary to punish me for trying or even thinking about doing anything nice for myself.

But of course SI only makes it worse, and other strategies can make it better instead. But sometimes it's hard to care. And sometimes it is too scary to try to change or to be something other than what I always thought I was or was supposed to be.

Numbness
Redirecting anger
Pain