[Abby]

My anger is so high today. Even getting onto this forum has been a massive test of my patience and honestly about 4 times i nearly slammed down the lid of the lap top in utter frustration. If this post doesn't work i think i will actually scream!

I'm so angry that tension is soaring up and down my body and my mind is ready to snap in two, but i'm not sure how to show that properly. Sometimes i will rant and rave because i'm so angry but it never makes any difference! It only causes more problems.

I was on the edge at work today, it was the cause of my anger and i very much let it show. I seriously needed to reduce showing my irritation and frustration at work etc (but whatever, i don't give a damn right now, they shouldn't blummin' cause my anger in the first place in my eyes!!!). People tell me to calm down and take a breath but i can't!! I don't want to be angry but i cannot understand why ppl are not feeling it to the intensity i do. How can they be so calm? I get angry with them for not joining me in my anger and the cycle continues....

I don't get it i am so angry i want to rant and rave. I've so angry i want to cut myself to relieve the tension and get the anger out. I don't get how talking works because i could talk until i am blue in the face and still be so angry. And i already have, i ranted at work for hours, then i came home and have done the same to family and it hasn't made any friggin' difference. I think it is a load a rubbish this whole 'expressing emotions makes everything better' theory. I doesn't work!

That is why i cut, because it works!! It satisfies some aggressive part of me that cannot find relief in words. I have been to the gym almost constantly this last wk trying to take out my anger on the treadmill but i'm so tired today. I hate this angry feeling mixed with exhaustion. And i'm even too angry to care right now. I don't care about being good or healthy, or expressing this more constructively - sod that! I want to rage!!!

[Sannah]

Abby, maybe your anger isn't getting validated when you are talking or you aren't getting to the real source of your anger???? Do you want to talk about it here???

[Abby]

Nah it's definately validated as everyone thinks that the work thing is totally ridiculous too but they're just not as bothered as me. I hate people that see a problem and yet do sod all about it. I am not a patient person and this job constantly asks me for almost saint-like patience levels!

As to getting to the real source of my anger - it is so deep this anger simply because it comes from an unlimited pit of hopelessness. This is only a tiny example of how crap everything created by humans is. It is a tiny fragmented example of the sullied, dirt-trodden world that we all have to live in and try and be happy with. I can't be happy with a life in a world that is so painfully slow and disjointed. I cannot understand how people can be happy with this, nor how they constantly expect me to be grateful and happy for something i genuinely see as a dirty smear.

I'm angry at myself for being me. I'm angry at myself for being born. What the heck was I thinking coming into existance? I'm angry that i have to sit in this body and that i'm so tied to my own weaknesses and flaws that i'm actually a classic example of the crap the world has created. I hate every weakness and flaw and want to smash them out of existance! Why should i have to accept imperfection in order to be 'happy'?

I have no way out of this. It is demoralising.

[turquoisesea]

I think I know what you're talking about... the world really is a horrible place in so many ways. And people act like it's this golden city of dreams, and that life is wonderful and the normal state of being is happiness. But it's not.

I think maybe you have to find a way to be able to live in this cruel world and find some happiness in it. You don't have to be happy about the job, or even ok with it. Try to find little things you're happy with.

Find something you feel you're good at. I think you don't feel you're worthy of a lot of things... from what you said in your last reply. Maybe your expectations are too high, maybe you're comparing yourself against something that's unfair.

Wish I could say something to make the pain go away, please try to be safe

[Sannah]

Abby, I am convinced that people who focus on the world and how miserable it is have a lot of issues deep inside where their inner child is just miserable. These things can be worked on.

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm angry at myself for being me. I'm angry ....that i'm so tied to my own weaknesses and flaws ... I hate every weakness and flaw and want to smash them out of existance! Why should i have to accept imperfection in order to be 'happy'?

I have no way out of this. It is demoralising.

Do you understand where your self hate came from?

My question is why do you want perfection? Perfection is no way to live. It is very stressful. Who "taught" you that perfection is the way to live your life?

There is a way out..........

[Abby]

Thanks turquoisesea - yeh i do understand what you are saying, and to an extent i agree it is a good idea to find something, however tiny, to be happy about because i'm incrediably ungrateful most of the time. But my problem is that the horrific-ness i feel is so deeply and thoroughly globalised that it ruins even my thoughts. It is ridiculous but i feel that even the 'good' in this world has been tarnished by the bad. I can see a bright, crisp, sunny morning with my eyes but there is always a dark hue over it that sullys it. I am the ultimate pessimist but ironically my expectations are far too high! I realise this but it depresses me to know that i have to lower them.

Thanks Sannah - i hope you are right. I hope it is me that is tarnished not the world. I don't know where the self-hate came from but i guess i've always been angry at myself for not being good enough. I literally dispise myself. I've resigned myself now to accepting second best in some areas of my life. But that is depressing in itself; the day a person realise that they aren't good enough and never will be and have to give up. Everyone has been through it, it is the day a person realises that this ulimited potential they've been made to believe in is actually a lie. High expectations causes big disappointments.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I hope it is me that is tarnished not the world.

Now I didn't say you are tarnished!

I don't know where the self-hate came from but i guess i've always been angry at myself for not being good enough.

And where did you get this message that you aren't good enough? I'll bet it was from someone who was wrong?

..........

[Abby]

Nah you didn't, i did.

I don't think it was from anyone in particular. I think it was something i realised on my own.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I don't think it was from anyone in particular. I think it was something i realised on my own.

I'll bet you got this message while growing up?????????

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'll bet you got this message while growing up?????????

I assume so because i certainly don't interact with anyone else nowadays to allow them to let me think i'm anything but competent.....hence my problem....i appear competent to so many other people but within myself i am nothing. I am nothing.

I don't want to think of bad memories growing up as they are completely useless now and not that significant in the grand scheme of things....

That is why i cut. I should just get over myself.

I really, utterly, truly, completely hate myself.

There is no greater hate.

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Nah it's definately validated as everyone thinks that the work thing is totally ridiculous too but they're just not as bothered as me. I hate people that see a problem and yet do sod all about it. I am not a patient person and this job constantly asks me for almost saint-like patience levels!

As to getting to the real source of my anger - it is so deep this anger simply because it comes from an unlimited pit of hopelessness. This is only a tiny example of how crap everything created by humans is. It is a tiny fragmented example of the sullied, dirt-trodden world that we all have to live in and try and be happy with. I can't be happy with a life in a world that is so painfully slow and disjointed. I cannot understand how people can be happy with this, nor how they constantly expect me to be grateful and happy for something i genuinely see as a dirty smear.

I'm angry at myself for being me. I'm angry at myself for being born. What the heck was I thinking coming into existance? I'm angry that i have to sit in this body and that i'm so tied to my own weaknesses and flaws that i'm actually a classic example of the crap the world has created. I hate every weakness and flaw and want to smash them out of existance! Why should i have to accept imperfection in order to be 'happy'?

I have no way out of this. It is demoralising.

Ohhhh Abbey......

If I could count the times I have felt like this.......

Despite how much it makes you enraged, I wanted to thank you for writing this.......it REALLY resonated with me.....

I hear you babe.......loud and clear.....

Big Hugs

Michah......( sorry, not very helpful.......bit lost for words)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I don't want to think of bad memories growing up as they are completely useless now and not that significant in the grand scheme of things....

Oh, but they are significant. They affected how you see yourself, how you developed. You can change this. You can see how various things affected you negatively, you can analyze and come to understand how these people were wrong, and then discredit their message and form healthier messages.