Want to

I dont know what to say, I am posting to get this out of my head. I wanted to cut badly today, but I didnt. I knew I wouldnt. I dont really want to, but I have a strong urge. I have a lot of feelings that I am sitting with. Its a busy day and I have a lot to do. I wrote some things down in my journal to talk about on monday with my t, but it alll seems to be coming out of me in pieces. Not terribly coherent. I hate this. I feel so much better when I can talk about how I feel in an understandable way instead of a piece here and a piece there. I cant seem to get my mind to think in a straight way today.

UGH! I would like to see my t on monday and not talk about cutting. If I do, I'll have to bring it up, I want to talk about other things. So I wont do it. End of story.

(((BM))) You know what, I sort of understand what you're dealing with. I've been wanting to cut really bad lately, but I haven't. It's not okay and I really don't wanna go back down that road again, but a lot is going on for me right now...as I guess it is for you too!

You're strong for resisting the urge to cut. I commend you. Take good care of yourself! with T as well.

Thanks LBoggieG. I just dont want to think about painful stuff. I dont even want to talk about it. I want to hide in a hole. These things are coming out this week in all kinds of fears I havent had in a while, and when I did it was in a milder way. I feel full of "distractions" from what I need to do. And then cutting really works for me as a distraction. And numb-er out-er. YUCK!

Did something start all of this this week or has this been going on Blue?

Just today...this afternoon. Its been a couple of weeks since I even had an urge. I didnt do it. I feel urges though. Not so strong now.

Hi BlueM,
Pieces or all at once are just fine with us. Just keep talking. It does us all good when we talk. We are here for you if you need us. Take care.

Thanks Reg. I woke up this morning without urges and feeling better. I had to make an emergency room visit last night with my 2 yo who had a bad cough and was wheezing. I got so scared. She wasnt admitted and is home now on nebulizers. This stuff freaks me out, my other kids have had pneumonia and babies can get sick so fast. I feel like it seems silly to talk about on the board, but Im sitting now on the laptop next to her watching her breathe to make sure everything is OK I just want her to feel better and then I can breathe easliy.....

How scary! And it's not silly for you to talk about this on the board. We care!!!

I too have been fighting a VERY strong urge to cut....I haven't had the urge in quite a while, probably since shortly after I disclosed the CSA and other abuse to my T.....And here it is, back again, the urge to numb, the urge to hide and make it all just go away.



I'm glad you're feeling better today and was successful with fighting off that urge. I hope I am as successful. I was trying to avoid taking anxiety meds, but I ultimately did....because the urge to SI was too strong.

I realize that the meds are just an alternate form of numbing. I tried crying, being physically active, listening to loud music....it just wasn't enough to suppress the urge. UGH.

OMG! MUE thank you so so much. It means more to me than I can say in words. I feel sometimes like I am wearing out my welcome on the boards. Like I should just shut up and go away. I feel like crying.

((((MUE)))) I am hugging you very tightly and I care so much. I know how disclosing those things makes you want to cut and disappear. And the urge to numb out is almost automatic. I have been feeling the exact same way.

I think you will be successful. Do anything else. Maybe its OK to take the anxiety meds, that is what they are there for. It doesnt sound like you regularly abuse them. I know that strong urge that seems to come out of nowhere.

Maybe the numbing at times has a protective effect. It is too much at times for us to feel everything so acutely. I think its OK, MUE. I have been telling myself this after this dissoc after t last monday. That if that is what I need to do for now, its OK. It wont always be that way. Sigh.

Please don't stop posting! I always get something out of your posts and people's responses to them, even if my issues aren't always exactly the same as yours. You are helping so many others with your posts! Wearing out your welcome?? - NEVER!!! as far as I'm concerned. Don't you dare shut up!

Great to hear. Hope she is still doing better.

Don't EVER feel like you are wearing out your welcome!!! That's what we're here for! And there are times when I know I am not up to being supportive and instead am desperately in need of support - and I know that no matter what, my PC friends will be here. You need to know that too!!! PC has been a lifesaver for me...

Thanks so much for validating my feelings...and being able to relate, although I hate that you go through this too, is comforting. It is soooo hard sometimes. Nobody in my "real life" would understand. I wouldn't dare talk about it.

Wow, Thimble. I cry when I read your posts to me. I saw your affimation post to me. I cant stop crying. You are so good to me. Thank you so very much for your love to me.

I wont shut up


PS- I was crying at my laptop here and my 13 yo daughter came in. She asked me why I was crying and I said someone on the computer said they love me. She said, "Is it a man?" She made me laugh. I said, dont worry, its a girlfriend. Then she wanted to know about my "computer" friends. I told her how much I love them.

Reg- Thanks, she is better today.
I like your avatar

You are so wonderful MUE. And such a good friend. PC has been an incredible support to me, too. I dont know why I am experiencing this everybody hates me thing. I wish I wasnt. Maybe b/c I am more vulnerable here on the boards than I am in RL with my girlfriends. We talk about therapy, but I dont go into such deep detail with them. There is a friend or two I could, but I wouldnt want them to worry about me. When I am that vulnerable, I am certain I am going to be abandoned and rejected for saying how I am honestly feeling. And the craziness going on inside my head.

I do so relate to you. So much. I know what yoiu mean about feeling comforted, but dont want to see a friend suffing, too. I present a different face to most people. Its probably a good thing. But here on PC we can talk about our deepest thoughts and fears. I dont know what Id do without it.
I love you, MUE. Thanks for always supporting me, too

Blue, I know from experience how being neglected in childhood is a hard feeling to shake. We were treated for so long like this that even now in healthier environments where people don't do this, we still react like we are in our old environments. When I start to have doubting feelings like this I address them right away with self talk, telling myself that I am not in my past anymore so stop reacting like I am there. It is hard!

Hey, when our kids get sick it can make us crazy! My girls just got over the swine flu. My oldest always does pretty good but my youngest gets secondary infections and complications. As soon as she got sick and her fever shot up and I knew it was swine flu (because the oldest one was swabbed) I started to have a mini panic attack in the kitchen. After a few minutes I was able to connect it with my fear over my daughter. I understand completely!

Last night I read this thread first and then I went to the Therapy Board and read your new thread there. I thought that the issues that you brought up in that thread were what was causing your SI urges???

I feel like that too, that I should go away
Just thought I'd say I can relate. And it definitely comes from rejection and abuse in childhood for me.
Sending gentle thoughts, keep posting

((((((((((((( BlueMoon ))))))))))))))

First, I do hope your girls get better quickly! I am SO glad you were able to connect it with your fear. It is a scary thing. How old are your girls?

This past July a couple of my kids had the swine flu. Even my 2 yo. My 13 got a horrible rash after it that lasted the rest of the summer. My 15 yo was exposed to it again a few wks ago and only got some very minor symptoms since she apparently had antibodies from July. Her friends were very sick.

I think I had so many things going on in my head, real and imagined. When I get overwhelmed I seem to get SI urges or if I feel not cared about. Or dismissed. It seems like it is too painful to connect with the feelings and I want the relief cutting gives me And the punishment. I hate to say it, but its true.

Thanks Fuzzy. The moment I feel rejected whether its real or in my imagination I just want to disappear and not feel it anymore. It comes from the same thing for me, even if I dont remember much.

Thanks for the gentle thoughts and hugs- it means so much to me...